It's been a few weeks since I've written, but I have had a hard time getting the words out. I am so deeply saddened by the shooting in Sandy Hook in Newtown. My heart literally aches for all of those families and that entire community. My prayers are with each of them. It makes me look at life so differently. That's what cancer does for me, too. I look at life differently. I ask that you pray for me because I am not able to take the medicine that blocks the cancer from returning. This is the second medicine I've tried. The first one caused blood clots and all sorts of "big" things. This one was working wonderfully I thought. However, I began noticing my knees getting weaker. They would hurt and ache. Then they began getting worse, to the point of me not being able to climb my stairs without crawling, not being able to stand from a chair without help, never being able to sit in the floor, etc. So I saw my oncologist last week and told him I thought I was doing great. I told him the hot flashes were manageable, and I was feeling better than I had in a long time. He asked if I was having any overall problems, and I told him about my knees. He told me it was the medicine. I couldn't believe it. I even went to a bone and joint doctor to be positive. They did x-rays and told me my knees looked great. So it is definitely the medicine. My doctor told me that if I didn't come off of it, it would continually get worse, and I suddenly saw myself in a wheelchair. I have to admit that I was frustrated. I felt too young for this. I felt, again, like this was a never-ending road. I have come off the medicine and am in what they call a "wash-out" period. I will stay off of it for two weeks and see if my knees get better. If they do, I will have to try another medicine. My knees are already better. Please pray that the next medicine will work. I had a hysterectomy in order to take these medicines, so please pray the next one works. I feel like I am running out of options. Taking no medicine is not an option. I just can't take the risk.
So while on this feeling of a never-ending road, this shooting in Sandy Hook happened. I couldn't sleep because I was, and still am, grieving for those families. And, I am so humbled each time I go into my oncologist's office. It is such a reminder of where I've been, where I am, where I could be, where I'm going..... So many things go through my mind when I'm there. One thing is how thankful I am that God is helping me through this breast cancer journey. Another is how much I have to be thankful for, and none of it is material. But if I'm not careful, worry takes over for me. I worried on Monday about dropping my own boys off at school. I go down the "what if" road...what if this medicine doesn't work....what if I have to live with this pain....what if I eventually need a wheelchair...and on and on. I have been asking God to give me a word, to just speak to me and let me hear Him. Today He took me to Matthew 6:34 that says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (NKJ). I read a devotion from Max Lucado on this that said when we look to the future and think "I can't handle that", we really can't handle that today; but when the time comes for us to handle it, God will supply our strength for that day. For me, this goes right back to the beginning of my journey when God was showing me how to live one day at a time because I couldn't look far into the future without being overwhelmed. I didn't have the strength back then to deal with what I'm dealing with today. But today, God gave me the strength I needed in Matthew 6:34. I only need to handle today what is in today. That's also given me comfort and solace for the people in Connecticut. I know God is there for them giving them the strength and mercy and grace and love they need. I know because this entire world has been hurt by this and there are more prayers going up for this than we can even imagine. What I need to remind myself of is that God is always listening to our prayers. He is there standing ready to hand out our strength every morning. I am learning not to ask for the strength I might need next week because that might not even come to pass. But if it does, God will be there that morning to hand me my strength to get through it with Him. What an awesome God we serve! So, today, I just ask for prayer that my knees feel better. When I need the strength to handle the new medicine, it will be there. I pray for you, too, that you will handle today and only today, for God's strength is sufficient when the time is right. Today is here and if we are too busy worrying about what's ahead, we miss what's here right now. I don't want to do that! I guarantee it'll be something spectacular when it's of God!
I love you all,
Kacey
