Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
Isaiah 43:18
I wonder how hard it is for God to sit in Heaven on His throne and watch His children go through hard things? I know it's necessary to face hard things because it helps us build up our faith. Still. HE is our Heavenly Father, and He created us, so I bet it's hard. He knows how we're going to respond and how much this hardship is going to change us, but He still has to watch us go through it. The verse above tells us to forget the former things and not dwell in the past. The verse after this one, Isaiah 43:19 says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland". I think He's telling us to keep moving forward, to keep our eyes on Him because He's doing something new for us. He asks us if we perceive it? Do we recognize what He's doing? Do we recognize Him at all? Do we sense His presence? The verse says He's making a way in the wilderness; so we're not out there somewhere lost, without direction, without Him. He's there, making a way. It also says He's making streams in the wastelands. He's there, too, in the impossible - making streams in a place where we see waste. Nothing is lost on God. Nothing is a coincidence. His plan is going to happen and take place because nothing can thwart that plan. He is sovereign and Holy and Lord over all. Still. It's hard. For me. For you. For Him.
I say all of this to bring us to this point because this is something that's been on my heart for years, and I feel like I need to share it. It's just so hard to write. So hard to explain. So hard to understand. But, maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will help you. See, this is about my mother. I've been so blessed to have her. She's a wonderful person, so full of love and grace, and she loves big and she loves hard. She's that person that everyone is drawn to - the one that you just know you can share things with her, and she'll listen and she'll pray. Let me tell you, if she tells you she's going to pray for you, be confident that she means it. Your name is probably written down in a prayer journal that she prays over every day. Every time she and my dad go on vacation, they literally bring home a new phone number of a new family that they've adopted. That's who they are. But you see, her mother and sisters, my grandmother and aunts, have nothing to do with her or us. This roller-coaster ride of a relationship with them has been up and down for more years than I can count. I don't understand it, either. Now, don't misunderstand me, we are not perfect, none of us. But neither are we deserving of being cast away. But she's been cast out of her family, and for years she's tried to put it back together. It just doesn't work. You may be asking why? Well, we've asked the same thing and gotten no answer. There are many, many examples, but far too many to write. But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here today because my grandmother has died. She lived to 97 years old and passed away on December 31st, and there was no reconciliation. I want to talk about Momma.
Momma knew she might one day be in this spot, not knowing what to do, not knowing which road to take, not knowing which direction to go in. She had an opportunity several years ago to have a talk with her mother, and she was able to tell her she loved her. My grandmother met her in that place that day and said some healing things for Momma. However, nothing more came from that. She went on about her life and never reached back out to Momma. So is that closure? I don't know. I guess it may be different for everyone. I think of the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verses 1-8. I won't type all of the verses, only parts, but it says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die....a time to heal....a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...". There's so much to unpack in these verses. God has given us a time for everything from laughing and dancing to mourning and weeping. A time for breaking down and a time to heal. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. I had to think on that last one for a minute. Maybe He's telling us here that we love, and we embrace and we hold on until He tells us to let go. Let go and Let God. God is in the details! He's in every part of our lives. In all the emotion of the last several days, Momma has had to dig deep and figure out whether to even go to the funeral. Yes, the treatment she's received has been that bad. But, she feels in her heart that she needs to go. And you know what the best part is? God will go with her. Isn't that what He promised? In Hebrews 12:1 it says, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles; and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." So she'll go and run this race. She'll face this hardship. She'll have to throw off everything that hinders and let God move, and she'll run the race set before her. How? With God. Why? Because as He says in Isaiah 43:19, "See, I am doing a new thing!" God is moving within her. He is strengthening her faith. She and my dad will not be alone there because He'll be right there beside them. Deuteronomy 31:8-9 says, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He's already there waiting on her.
Coming from my point of view, it's very difficult to have watched your mother hurt and be entangled in this toxic relationship without any explanation as to why. It would be fixable if there were an answer as to why. Why this treatment? What have I done? An answer to those questions could begin the healing process. But no answers have been given. I lost my grandmother and two aunts long ago. I've grieved them just as Momma has. Does it make today easier? I have to say, for me, a little bit. I lost her long ago. As for my aunts, I still have much to learn about how to move on and grieve for someone who's still alive. I have much to learn about how to continue to pray for someone who has brought such heartache to you and your family. But it all goes back to God's word. He's making something new. He's moving us and growing us and building up our faith. I must admit that in the past when I've tried to write about this, my words have been so full of anger. I distinctly remember one time having an entire blog written about this and right before I hit the button to publish it, it disappeared. I knew that was God. He removed it. Whenever I write, I can usually start to feel Him moving in my heart a few days before I actually sit down to write. Then when I feel ready, I sit down and pray that He speaks through me, that my words will be His words. Today, I am not writing out of anger. I am hurting because Momma is hurting. But I am writing to tell you that if you ever find yourself in this same situation, God is there with you. Seek Him and you will find Him. He may be trying to move you to a different place. He may be trying to strengthen your faith. He may be trying to make you solely dependent upon Him. He may be trying to do something right now in my life or Momma's life or your life that we can't even fathom. But I do know this - whatever it is, it's for our good and His glory. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We must always remember that God will work in our lives as much and as big as we'll let Him. He's a gentleman. He's kind. He will never push. But He will move us and push us if we let Him. We can pray all the time for someone to have a heart change, but unless THEY are willing to let God move inside them, it will not happen. So if you've prayed God will change someone in your life and it hasn't happened, please don't blame God. He heard your prayers. He may have tried to answer your prayers and change them. But they might not have let Him.
So, forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. I can't imagine our God, our Lord and Savior, sitting on His throne watching one of His children go through something hard. I wonder if He cries. I bet He does. I know He holds us in His arms. I know He collects our tears and comforts us. He's in every detail of our lives. So for Momma and for you, hang on to His hand and He will lead you, and be prepared for what He has in store for you because I have a feeling it's gonna be great. Faith moves mountains, and when He builds our faith, and we let Him, I believe He smiles. He loves us that much. He loves you, too, if you're facing this today. He loves you, too, Momma, and so do I.
I love you all,
Kacey
