Armor of God

This week has been the week that I have my mammogram and breast MRI.  Since cancer, I now get these tests done every six months.  I'm not complaining about that because I think it's great that my doctor is keeping such a close eye on things.  But that doesn't make this week any easier or less worrisome.  I wasn't really nervous as much this time, but there's always that hint of "what if" that lingers in the back of your mind until you hear the doctor say that everything looks great.  So, with my mom in tow, we head to the hospital for the breast MRI first and then on to the imaging center for the mammogram.  I'd like to just talk about what this one day is like for someone who's had cancer.  It really does take a while to realize just how much your life has been changed and how it will never go back to the way it was before.  The breast MRI room is much like the room where you have radiation, only smaller.  But because it is smaller, the machine looks so, so big and ominous.  It's a closed MRI, too, so you have to go all the way in, which can be smothering.  The girl that gets me set up is precious, and I've gotten to know her, so she knows me and my mom when we get there.  This helps because she makes it seem very routine, even though we all know that everything can change in the next 25 minutes (that's how long the MRI lasts).  She jokes and tells me to close my eyes and go to a beach somewhere and relax.  But I immediately go to the Lord.  He is my everything, so it helps me just to talk to Him.  I also take with me my favorite verse, which most of you know is Joshua 1:9..."Be strong and of good courage, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  During the 25 minutes it's very hard not to just constantly beg and plead and say "please don't let there be anything there, please don't let there be anything there" over and over again, which trust me, I have done.  But this time, I just asked the Lord to be there with me.  Now, if you've heard me talk or know me, you'll know that throughout the last year and a half of this journey the Lord has allowed me to see two angels.  It has been an incredible experience.  I've learned a lot about angels, and I'll share that another day.  But during the MRI, I asked the Lord to let me feel an angel.  I've seen one, but I haven't heard one or felt one...yet.  So I did begin to relax (as much as you can) and just talk with the Lord.  I am laying face down during this test, so I cannot see anything around me.  I also have my arms over my head, not out to the side, so I'm pretty much just laying straight out.  But about half-way through I began to feel a small, slight flutter upon my back, but covering me completely.  In my mind's eye it didn't seem as if what I felt could even fit in the machine, but I felt very warm and safe...the sounds of the machine just faded into the background.  I believe an angel was hovering over me.  The presence of God is so amazing and wonderful.  I can't imagine what Heaven is going to be like when we are in the constant presence of the Almighty, if what we can feel here on earth is so incredible.  The test was over before I knew it, which is a praise in itself because that usually doesn't happen when you know someone is searching for cancer in your body.  I didn't even feel the dye that is injected about ten minutes before the test is done.  I'd like to thank that angel for that distraction!  :)  So the girl comes in, helps me out of the machine and says things look great.  One step down and two to go!

My mom and I then go on to the mammogram.  We've both gotten to know these ladies as well, and they are so called to do what they do.  I hope they each know that God has given them a gift and a calling for their jobs.  My mammogram is done, and now you just sit and wait for a radiologist to read it before you go home.  This is good because there's no waiting several days for the phone to ring.  But I must say that waiting for the radiologist to read your films is very difficult.  But this week everything looked great.  Praise the Lord!!

The last step for this six months is the visit to the doctor to go over all the results.  I visited her and she said everything was good.  Sometimes you don't really realize how much you've waited to hear those words until they are spoken.  Now this day is over...until it comes around again in six months. 

You may wonder why I've told you what this day and this time is like.  It's not because I want you to see what I go through, but it's because I want you to see what God can do for you when you go through it.  "IT" doesn't even have to be cancer.  It can be anything that can change your life...anything that will turn your world upside down...anything that will either turn you away from God, or make you run toward Him.  "IT" can also be an everyday worry that you struggle with.  I tell you this because I've been asked if this has been hard for me, or if it's been easy just to give it over to God.  It's not easy.  It's never easy.  I'm not sure it will ever be easy.  I never want to be misunderstood when I talk of this journey, but my story, my journey is about God.  I want to use it for Him and His glory.  I don't share scriptures because I have such a great handle on everything.  I share scripture because without it, I would have no hope.  I would have nothing to hold on to.  I don't share the magnificent things God has allowed me to see for any other reason than to let you know that you can have these things, too.  I want you to capture every blessing and every glimpse that God has in store for you.  He tells us to ask - you have not because you ask not.  Don't miss the beautiful sunsets, and the way the clouds can form to look like an angel that's put there just for you.  Don't miss the way the clouds look with just a hint of sunshine coming through, as if that's what it will look like when He comes back to get us.  Listen for the birds and how they sing.  Look for Him in the laughter of your children and loved ones and in the smile of a stranger.  I tell you this so you will know that I'm just a girl...a girl that got cancer and tried to find a way to deal with it...a girl that's blessed and healed here on earth for now, for today, for this visit, for my true healing will come when I get to Heaven.  I tell you this because it's a battle and during a battle you fight and you cry and you fall down and you stand up and you scream and you hit your pillow and you pull the covers over your head.  But what I want you to know most is that what God has done for me, He can do for you.  He helped me run toward Him.  You can run, too.  He told me there is hope, and there is hope for you, too.  I am trying to learn to not sweat the small stuff.  :)  I am trying to learn to take one day at a time...after all, we might not even have tomorrow.  He's trying to teach me that what's important is that everyone know Him, that it's important for us to show others of His love and forgiveness and mercy and grace.  He's teaching me to put on His full armor and stand in His presence under His wings.  I put on His armor because He promises us an armor in His word.  In Ephesians 6:10-20 it says "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.  Put on His full armor so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.  Pray for me also, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains.  Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." (NKJV)  So it's not an easy battle, but we are well equipped for the fight because of Jesus.  We take our journeys and try and see God, then we share it with others, so the hope and beauty and magnificence will spread.  So I tell you all of this because I believe God wants me to put on His full armor, go through the battle, find the blessings inside and tell it.  So remember, it's not about me, it's only about Him, for whenever I speak, I pray He will give me words to speak to declare fearlessly what He has, can, and continues to do.  So, put on your armor, pick up your shield of faith and soldier on!

I love you all,
Kacey

Pray Without Ceasing

Isaiah 43:2-3 says:  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."  Oh, how wonderful that promise is from our Heavenly Father.  It covers everything, from something that's small, but big to us, all the way through the fire. 

I am overjoyed with the love of Jesus.  He is our rock and our fortress, and He tells us that He "will be a father to us, and we shall be His sons and daughters" (2 Corinthians 6:18).  How magnificent is it to be a daughter or son of Christ Jesus?!  For me, I don't know what I would do without Him.  I have been going through a breast cancer journey that has changed me, made me different, made me look for God, made me realize how precious every moment should be.  During this time, I have realized that what God really wants from us is our undivided love and attention...to pray without ceasing.  I have wondered how that could be possible and what that meant.  How could anyone just pray all day without ceasing?  What would you say - could you run out of things to talk about?  Well, God has shown me over this journey thus far that it is possible to pray without ceasing.  It's all about our heart and our mind. 

I have said many times that breast cancer for me has not been all bad, that I wouldn't want cancer again, but that I would not go back and change one thing.  I am sitting here today waiting...waiting on test results and estrogen levels.  You see, most of the time when a big trial comes along we don't just face it quickly and move on.  Usually, if it's a big trial for us, it puts us in a state of not knowing what to do, where to turn, or how to fix it.  That's what breast cancer has been for me.  Each path that I've traveled has had another road turning off to the side that I hadn't anticipated.  Yet, with each turn I've been able to see God in the distance waiting on me.  I am back on my cancer medicine; I've had a second surgery to remove an ovary that wasn't gotten during the first hysterectomy surgery.  With a hysterectomy my estrogen level is supposed to be lower than 32.  It was 169!  So, they went in a second time to get the "remnant" of the ovary left behind.  We still don't know if they got it.  The level is now 78.  Why do I tell you this?  Because that level is still too high, the doctors can't find the small part of ovary that has been left behind, and because I am to have faith that God has it under control.  Now, I have been on this cancer walk for a year and a half.  You would think that I would have mastered the wait and see, take one day at a time because God's got it approach.  But, no.  See, God knows me better than anyone.  When waiting for this last estrogen level to come back, I didn't wait in total confidence and think that whatever it is will be fine.  No, I prayed "please, please, please let the level be 10, Lord".  :)  Why?  Because I thought that if the level came back at 32 or lower, then everything was going to be okay "for sure".  And well, how much better would it be for the level to be 10?  What God told me instead was, your level may be 78 but how do you know things aren't okay "for sure"?  Wait on me.  Listen to me.  Trust me.  Have faith in me.  Walk with me.  I read something the other day that said that faith doesn't mean that because something good is happening to you that the Lord must have sent it; but faith says, God sent this to me, so it must be good.  After really studying that I realized that when something comes our way that we may see as bad, if God sent it to us, it WILL be good and it will be for His glory and praise.  It took a lot of tears of frustration before I realized that God wants me to trust Him totally and completely, without fear and frustration.  He wants me to give it up and go about my day with joy in my heart.  So I'm trying to learn, and I'm trying to get there, but some days are so much harder than others.  Sometimes it seems as if He's not there, but He is.  He's watching over us, maybe waiting to see what we do.  Will we run to Him?  Oh, I can talk to Him about it because He's always there listening for me, for He never sleeps nor slumbers.  I can ask Him questions because I am His daughter and He gave His son to die for me.  I can cry because He's there to wipe away my tears.  I can tell Him of my fears and He will calm the storm and say "Peace be still".  I can see Him do something miraculous and say thank you and praise Him for it.  I can do all of these things and He is there, helping me and guiding me along the way.  But do you know what else I've done?  I've prayed without ceasing!  Yes, having Him on the forefront of our hearts and minds, and going to Him with all our concerns, big or small, is continuous communication, which is praying without ceasing.  Someday, when we get to Heaven, we'll be able to praise Him for all of these things without ceasing, and what a glorious and wonderful time that will be! 

So see, just like He promises in Isaiah, whether it's the calmer waters, or the rivers that flow, or the fire that comes, He is our Lord, our God, and our Savior.  He's waiting on us to welcome Him in; welcoming us to see His beauty around us.  Look around you and you will see Him in everything you see and do, from the sounds of the birds, or the voices of your loved ones, to the smile of a stranger, or a beautiful moon that lights up the sky as if it were day, to the quiet stillness that only He can bring.  If you are going through an illness or a broken relationship, or financial issues, or knowing a friend or loved one is lost, or anything in your path that's big, it's big to God, too.  So, run to Him, for "whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" (Psalm 91:1).  I love resting under His shadow.  There's no safer, quieter, more gentle, loving place to be. 

I love you all,
Kacey