Psalm 91 is one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible. It talks about being safe in the presence of God. The first verse, and I go to it often, says, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty". (NKJV) Notice that it says under the shadow of the Almighty. To me, that gives a picture of me literally standing under God's shadow, and because I'm under His shadow I am safe and hidden, not being able to be seen by anyone or anything else. Almighty is another thing about this verse that I love, because this personal name of God means strength and power. Well, if I'm going to be hidden under something, I can think of nothing better than to be hidden under the shadow of Almighty God! I haven't written anything lately because this is where I feel like I've been lately, under the shadow of the Almighty - hidden and covered and safe, wrapped up in the arms of God.
A few weeks ago I found out that I was finally on the road to recovery from cancer. I've been fighting now for two years and could not wait for the day I would hear the words, "you are doing great and are finally on the road to recovery". I thought I would jump up and down and celebrate and feel an overwhelming sense of relief....but I didn't. Don't misunderstand me, I am so grateful for this news. But for weeks now I've been struggling, wondering what's wrong with me; trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. You see, I can't go back to who I was before I had cancer because I am not that same person anymore. God changed my life in ways that are so wonderful and miraculous, that when I look back, I don't recognize who I was. I've spent the last two years in "fight" mode, always on, always ready, always waiting. That wasn't so bad because as long I as knew I was in God's will, I knew I was where I was supposed to be. So I then get to this point I've been waiting on for the last two years, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not the old Kacey, and I'm not the sick, fighter Kacey, so now what? I didn't see this coming. And I still don't know what to do about it. It's like learning how to do something I've known how to do all my life, but all of a sudden I'm at a loss for how to do it. It's been two years and when I write the word cancer I still get a stabbing feeling in the pit of my stomach, like it's hard to believe I've really been going through this. I'm in a new place and I'm waiting on the Lord to show me what to do next. Maybe that's part of it...I've spent two years constantly seeking, constantly praying, constantly finding direction and now I feel lost. But Psalm 37:7 says, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him". So I am trying to rest and not feel anxious. I am waiting on my next assignment from Him. I am trying not to let fear creep in. I am trying to understand why my tears flow more often and easier than they did before. I am trying to understand why my heart may feel broken on some days and not really know why. And I am trying to celebrate because if there's one thing I do know, it's that I have reason to celebrate!
So I went back to what I've learned and I find rest in this. I'd like to use my favorite chapter in the Bible to share why I believe this must be a time of rest. I have been weary, but during these last two years I have learned so much about God and who He is, and I thirst and hunger and long to know more. He deserves so much glory and praise because He has been so amazing. His word says He never leaves us or forsakes us, and I can tell you that it's true. God never moves. He walks before, beside, and behind us. That's what He's done for me, too. And all along the way He's given me blessings and gifts that I would never have dreamed of. I've experienced things I never thought possible - that peace that surpasses all understanding, the undeniable presence of God, guidance when making decisions, and lots and lots of blessings along the way to show me who He is and tell me that He is in control and I'm right where I need to be. I've learned how to talk to Him and call upon Him all throughout my day. I've learned to look for Him everywhere in all things. I've learned to ask for opportunities to show me new things or for me to share Him with others. I've learned about how important it is to show grace and kindness in a world where there's not much of it sometimes. I've learned that God's mercies are new every morning. I've learned to pray specifically. I've learned why we should take one day at a time. Psalm 91:2 says "I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust." I've learned how to fight with my sword of faith, which is in my Lord. Psalm 91:4-5 says, "He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night...". I love this verse because during my journey, there were many nights that terror would set in and the only place I had to leave it was with the Lord. So it's wonderful to know that the gripping fear that can overtake us in the night when all is still and silent, and when no one else is awake to help you, God is there taking it from you and hiding you under His feathers. Psalm 91:7 says, "A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you"; so I've learned to let God fight my battles because He is much better at it than I am. Psalm 91:11 says, "For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways." Wow, do I love this verse! God has allowed me to see an angel and feel that powerful, peaceful feeling of an angel's charge over me. That feeling is indescribable. Psalm 91:15 says, "He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble." So I am calling upon Him and asking Him to show me what to do now. I think I've been so close to Him over the last two years that there's a little fear of losing some of that. But again, God never moves and I tell myself that. He loves me. He sent His son to die for me because He thought I was worth it. Micah 7:8 says, "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; when I fall, I will arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me"! He is my light and I love Him with all of my being. I might not have seen this coming, but He did. He planned it. This has been a hard blog for me to write because it's hard getting out all these feelings to you when I don't understand some of them myself. But I believe God wanted me to share this because this is real and this is life and it's okay to not understand it and to need rest from it. So for now, I am going to rest in the shadow of the Almighty and be covered with His feathers, after all, He is Almighty God!
I love you all,
Kacey
