What a Mighty God We Serve!

Oh, I have so much to tell...so much to share...so much to thank God and Praise Him for!  My estrogen level is 7!!  Yes, I said 7!  It has gone from 179 to 7 and the only way to explain this, is God!  And the significance of the number 7 did not slip by me either.  The number 7 is perfection, so God allowed me to feel His presence all over this news! 

Me and Alan and the boys were on vacation last week, so I haven't been home to share and I made my family promise not to!  I couldn't wait to tell of this news and show you just how much your prayers work!  The Bible tells us in James 5:16 "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man prevails much." (NKJV)  I love this!  He hears our prayers.  He heard my cries.  He saw my brokenness.  You heard it, too, and you prayed for me.  Thank you seems too little to say, but I thank you and I love you all for praying for me.

Several weeks ago, you may remember me telling you of a day where I broke down and fell apart.  I literally fell on my face and cried out to Jesus for help, for relief, for peace.  Since my journey with breast cancer started, there have been many days where I've fallen apart.  But not like this day.  Likewise, there have been many days where I have felt the brush of angels so strongly it was as if I could fly right along with them.  But not like this past week.  So to say there have been good days and bad days is an understatement, but when I broke down a few weeks ago it was different.  I crumbled and poured out every feeling in my being and laid them at the feet of Jesus.  I felt so tired, so frustrated, so scared of what was to come.  In case you don't know, my cancer was estrogen positive and after two attempts at a hysterectomy, my estrogen levels were so high that it was certain an ovary was missed.  The last estrogen level taken came back at 179 and the level is supposed to be lower than 32.  It was at this point that I didn't know what was to come so I just had to stand.  Ephesians 6:10-13 tells us to "be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God....and having done all, to stand." (NJKV)  Well, after I crumbled, I picked myself up and stood.  It wasn't easy this time either.  I had trouble finding my peace and my balance.  But I eventually was able to cry out to the Lord and lay it down.  Then I was able to stand. 

My blood level was drawn again just before we went on vacation.  Alan and the boys and I were truly able to rest and relax.  I had made my choice to give it up and stand, so I left it alone (as best as I can as a human, and I'm still working on it).  Several days into the vacation my doctor called and told me my estrogen level was back, but I missed her call.  So, I called my oncologist and asked them for the results.  They told me the level was 88, which was still too high and still left me out in the middle of nowhere land.  I tried to put it aside and began praying that I would be able to just leave it alone, that I knew God had a plan for me.  Several hours later my doctor called me back and said she had the level.  She told me it was 7!!  After some confusion I was able to really hear her words and just began weeping and praising Him because I know that I know that God fixed this level and made it right.  This also means that my medicine, which I thought had not been working, is working.  Therefore, I have been protected from a recurrence of cancer.  Praise the Lord!

There are three things I would like to share with you that had such significance to me while on this vacation.  There is a place called the Chimneys in Gatlinburg and I've spoken of it before.  It's a place where a river runs down a mountain over rocks that are huge and rocks that are small; some rocks are smooth and some are very jagged and rough.  There are so many trees and they are tall and it makes this place so shady and cool.  But the river that runs down this mountain is loud - so loud that you are overwhelmed by it, yet it offers such peace.  So when I found out this news, I told Alan that we must get to the Chimneys.  So we went and I immediately felt the presence of God.  There is nothing that man can ever create or build or make that will ever compare to the raw beauty given to us freely by God.  We got out of our car and walked down through some trees and rocks and made it to the water.  It was there that I noticed my own tears.  It was there that I noticed the random white flowers blooming in the midst of big, looming rocks and a fast current of water.  It was there that I noticed the absolute jubilation of my family's faces as they threw rocks and put their feet in the cold water.  The air here is crisp and fresh and the sun shining through the trees is a bright, heavenly gift that shines light only in certain places.  It was here that I was able to fall again at the feet of Jesus in thankfulness and praise.  It was here that I felt close enough to Him to touch Him or to look for Him amidst the water and the sun and the trees.  I realized that He didn't have to create a place such as this for us.  If He had made the whole world dark and ugly we would never have known the difference.  But He didn't...He made it magnificent and lovely and overwhelmingly beautiful.  I made A LOT of pictures just trying to capture on film what I was feeling in my heart...what the Lord was allowing me to experience with Him in that moment.  It says in Psalm 46 that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling; There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God...God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved.  God shall help her just at the break of dawn." (NKJV)  Amen!  This is what I felt.  This river would not be moved and it made me realize that God is in the midst - always!

Another place on this vacation is a cross.  It's a huge cross that can be seen all over the city no matter which way you look.  I wanted to try and get to this cross.  We made it!  We climbed the hills and got to the foot of this cross and it was amazing!  I immediately thought "There's room at the cross for you, Though millions have come, there's still room for one, Yes there's room at the cross for you."  I felt Him there, too, telling me that yes, I was only one person, but there was room there for me.  There's room there for you, too!  There's always room at the cross.  So it was here that I was able to think about all Jesus went through to die upon that cross for me and you.  It was here that I could see His nail-scarred hands and feet, and see the thorn of crowns upon His head.  But it was also here that I was able to know that He was no longer on that cross, that He had risen and was alive!  He has changed my life in so many ways, but I was reminded that He died on that cross to not only save the lost, but He rose again and is the same yesterday, today and forever.  It was here that I found a renewed sense of peace.  Because see, we went to the cross before I got the drastic news of the estrogen level.  So when I was at the foot of that cross, I felt I was truly able to lay my burdens down.  It was such an amazing moment. 

The third place we visited were some cabins and condominiums.  We love to look at different places so we had someone take us into a few to view.  The last two places he showed us were on the very top of the mountain, and standing outside on the balcony of this place was the most incredible view.  We were surrounded by mountains all around and it was literally breathtaking.  As we were finishing up, the man that showed us these places asked me and Alan if we ever bought a place would we want one on the top of a mountain or in the valley.  Alan and I answered at the same time with Alan saying on top of the mountain and me saying in the valley.  I even surprised myself by this answer.  I always thought it would be on top, but I believe I felt in my spirit that I liked the valley better.  Now, this may sound strange and I know I write about this often, but I am trying to learn how to cope in each of the different places God puts us in.  It is here that we see the different ways God is in control, whether we feel we are "on top of the world" or in the lowly valley.  I realized that I now know what it is to feel safety in the valley. 

The last thing I would like to share actually happened before we went on vacation.  I don't know if you remember me talking about Mr. Fred.  He was a man that walked into the oncologist office one day when I was at my lowest moment.  He didn't know me.  He didn't even hold a conversation with me personally that day.  But he spoke to the couple beside us, and when he got up to go back for his treatment, spoke to the entire waiting room.  He said that even though he was there for treatment, he was superb because of all that Jesus had done for him so far.  He said that he had been in a place where he couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair, but "look at me now" he said, and he danced across the floor to the nurse.  I was so impacted by him that day.  I knew the Lord had sent him in there to lift me up.  A few weeks later I found out that a friend actually knew him and his family.  I got to go visit Mr. Fred and Ms. Doris in their home and what a wonderful, hallelujah worship time we had.  Well, I learned a couple of weeks ago that Mr. Fred had gone on to be with the Lord.  I will pray for his family and ask that you do, too; but I heard that his home-going was a mighty worship time.  Although it saddened me for us here on earth to be without such a Godly, inspirational man, I couldn't help but smile when I thought of how Heaven must have felt when he walked through those gates.  Mr. Fred was superb in spite of his trials because he had the love of Jesus in him and all around him.  I was around him on only two separate occasions and he impacted my life.  I can't imagine what an impact he had on those who knew him well.  What a witness he was and will continue to be.  So I tell you this to ask you to pray for his family, but also to say that it's true what the word says about entertaining angels unaware.  We never know who's going to cross our path, and this week God heard my brokenness and healed me!!  I want you to know that I'm not just praising God this week because of this healing, but I'm praising Him because I was reminded in a big, big way that not only can God move mountains and make rivers flow and allow us to feel safety in the valley, He let me stand on the top of those mountains and in the middle of that river and at the foot of that cross to show me what a mighty God He is!

I love you all,
Kacey

One Red Rose

Have you ever had a breaking point...a time when you thought everything was going along just fine and then something little happens in your day to put you in a tailspin of emotion?  Well, for me, that day was today.  It hasn't been the first through this journey, but it's been a while.  The latest news this week is that the MRI did NOT show the ovary that was missed during surgery.  I prayed so hard that it would show up because I knew that, in human terms, everything would get complicated if it didn't.  So when I was told this news, I had a rough day, but went to see my surgeon and we now have a plan.  The first step is an injection that shuts down production of the ovaries.  If my estrogen level falls dramatically this means there is indeed an ovary, it just can't be seen.  What we do from that moment, I'm not sure.  I'm back to trying to take things one step and one day at a time. 

You would think this would have been the day I would have had my emotional breakdown, but it wasn't.  What happened on this day was that I just felt "stuck".  What I mean by "stuck" is that it seemed as if I had lost all ability to pray.  I knew in my mind that there had been so much prayer for this MRI that obviously it wasn't in God's will for it to be seen yet.  I also knew, and had asked Him, that whatever His will, to let it be done because I wanted to be on whatever road God wanted me on.  I was upset that it couldn't be seen, but I was not at the point of thinking that God hadn't answered my prayer.  I did, and still do, wholeheartedly believe that this was where I was supposed to be.  But I couldn't pray.  I couldn't say that to Him.  I couldn't find the words to fit all of the emotions in my head and in my heart.  Some emotions were good and some were of frustration and some were of wonder, but I could not find a way to talk to Him.  I was letting my feelings of weariness win out over my ability to just talk to my Heavenly Father. 

But God didn't move.  He sat there and waited on me...patiently, lovingly, kindly...knowing all along I would get to a point where I had no place to go except to Him.  That time came today...eight days after the MRI...five days after the results.  I woke up fine.  I felt good.  My family felt good.  Alan and the boys left to go play basketball at the rec center.  I was alone and had all these grand plans for the time I was going to have alone.  I got in the shower.....and fell apart.  You couldn't tell whether it was the water running down my face or my tears.  I just crumbled.  I have cried out to God before, but I don't think I've literally "cried out" to God before today.  I may have been heard outside, but I didn't care - I didn't even notice.  I think it's been one of the few times that I've actually just let my emotions go and told God every single one of them.  I told Him about my frustration and why.  I told Him I was angry and why I was angry and how I was worried about my anger and how I didn't want to sin in my anger.  I cried about my feelings being hurt by doctors, not because of the mistakes that have been made, but about how I've been forgotten.  I told Him I sometimes feel so very tired of fighting.  I told Him I was scared because this next leg of the journey seemed unstable.  I would like you to know that I truly am not upset about the road I'm on.  I know God has me here for a reason.  But today I think that the last few weeks came crashing down.  I told Him that the unknown is scary... because it is.  I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and I know that He has everything under control and in His hands.  But my lack of communication with Him over the last week or so crashed and crumbled and fell apart at the feet of Jesus in my shower.  I was able to let it go and talk to Him like I should have done days ago, and by doing so, I was again in His presence feeling the peace that only He can bring.  I realized that the only thing I had really talked to Jesus about were my emotions.  I didn't ask Him to just fix my problems and make them all go away.  But I did ask Him to bring me back to Him.  I cried out to my Heavenly Daddy and asked Him to put his arms around me and hold me in His lap as His child.  Because you see, God had never moved.  It was me all along.  I moved.  I ran.  I hid.  I am the one that got stuck.  Not Jesus.  Never Jesus.  He did just what I asked Him to do.  He dried my tears.  He held me.  He listened to why I am so brokenhearted.  Psalm 147:3-6 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name.  Great is our Lord, and mighty in power, His understanding is infinite.  The Lord lifts up the humble.." (NKJV) 

Last summer we decided to redo our flower gardens around our house.  We decided to plant roses, and in honor of the journey of breast cancer, we planted all pink roses.  Just the other day I was outside and noticed that among all those pink rose bushes was a single red bloom on one of them.  One single red bloom on a big, pink rose bush, all alone.  Precious Jesus reminded me of this rose today.  I went to His word because I didn't think there was any significance to roses, but this is what I found.  Song of Solomon 2:1 says, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys."  (NKJV)  I loved this because I've talked so much about how the valley is so very beautiful because of the lilies.  Then Isaiah 35:1-2 says, "...And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose; It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice, even with joy and singing." (NKJV)  Wow!  This was so significant to me because if you know me, you know how much I talk about the different places God puts us in and the beauty He gives us while we're there.  The desert is one of those places and that's where I feel like I am, but this verse tells us that He provides beauty for us wherever we are and we are supposed to rejoice, not just smile, but rejoice with singing!  I didn't know when I first saw this rose why I was so drawn to it.  But today, God reminded me of that single red rose and I felt so special.  So I rejoiced and I sang!  I smiled and thanked God for the rose and for reminding me of it today.  I thanked Him for making me feel special when no one else could at that moment.  I thanked Him for never moving and for waiting on me and for listening to me and for letting me cry out to Him.   I thank Him because He knows how we're going to feel whether it's on the mountain or in the desert, so He puts beauty there to remind us that He's always in our presence.  The Bible says that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches.  I smile because one single red rose bloom in the midst of hundreds of pink ones is not really alone, but connected by the vine.  It is special and loved and cared for and never, ever left behind.

I love you all,
Kacey