To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. (Psalm 25:1-2 NKJV)
There seems to be a lot going on and a lot to tell. First things first. My doctors felt that my seizure medication needed to be changed for numerous reasons. They felt it interacted with my cancer medication causing me to take a double dose. They also felt it would interfere with my bones later on down the road. So, it seemed the best thing to do would be to change seizure medications. It's not as easy as it sounds because this is something that has to be done very slowly to keep a seizure from happening. But we changed it and all went well - or so we thought. I was able to cut the cancer medication in half, which was good, and no seizures happened. But I started having extreme back pain to the point of not being able to walk very well, or bend, and there is constant pain and it was becoming very worrisome. For someone who's had cancer, I try not to let "tumor" be my first line of thought when something comes along, but it is oftentimes hard not to when it's something "unexplainable". I had an MRI done this last week and it showed that everything was normal, which is a huge praise, and there was no sign of any cancer or tumor. That is the good news. The bad news is that the new seizure medication is causing the back pain. From what we've been able to understand, it's a rare side effect that's causing this pain, and I'm going to have to come off of this drug. What is it with me and rare side effects? The Lord obviously has other plans! So the doctor recommended another drug and I'm going to try and describe to you what it felt like to me to think about taking it. The doctor told me about it, listed the side effects (which were numerous and scary) and then Alan and I researched it ourselves. The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NKJV) In verse 5 it says, "But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." (NKJV) I interject these verses here to explain that the Holy Spirit was literally screaming at me telling me that this next new drug was not for me. Everything we read, everything we found, everywhere we turned, I could not find the peace that I was searching for and we always need to go where the peace is because that's where we're always going to find where God is. So I prayed. My family prayed. Alan and I reached the conclusion that we believed God just wanted me back on the old medication because it works, the things the doctors were worried about had not happened yet and well, quite frankly, I serve a very big God and those things may never come to pass, and there was my peace. So against what I knew the doctor would think, I called the next day and told him these reasons. I am now transitioning back to the old seizure medication, and I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I do this; that there will be no seizures and that the back pain will go away.
The next big thing that happened this week is that it was time for my six month mammogram check up. I just went in November and everything looked great, so to be perfectly honest, I did not put a lot of thought into this visit. My mother went with me and we visited and chatted with the ladies in the office, and even when Amy came and said she needed more pictures I still didn't think much of it. She then came in and said I needed to have an ultrasound done. Now, at this point I'm still not too worried because there is a spot on my right breast that they've been watching since I had breast cancer in my left breast 2 1/2 years ago, and they sometimes do an ultrasound to make sure there's no change. The girl did the ultrasound and said, "the radiologist will be in to talk to you in just a minute." My mother was in there with me and she had breast cancer 14 years ago and I know at that moment she knew exactly how I felt. If you've ever been there you know. My heart dropped. Time stood still. Why did the radiologist need to come in there? Why did she need to talk to me? That was never good news. It is in those precious few moments when the tech leaves the room before the radiologist actually enters that feels as if the entire earth is going to open and swallow you up whole - and for just a moment you kind of wish it might. You can hear your own heartbeat in your ears, the thumping so loud you wonder if you're having some sort of a heart attack on top of everything else. The room is spinning and your mind is totally and completely out of control, going in hundreds of different directions at one time. The only thing I could think to myself is Lord, not again, please, not again. The radiologist finally made her way into the room and said everything looked fine to her, but she wanted to do an ultrasound on her own. During the course of the next hour, (yes, hour) she did an ultrasound and proceeded to tell me all about lobular cancer, which is the kind I had, and honestly a bunch of stuff I really didn't want or need to hear. She finally got to a bottom line of saying she may want me to have this spot biopsied. I see my doctor on Tuesday and will wait and see what she says about this. Please pray with me as I listen for direction. This spot has been being watched very closely all along and the MRI in November showed no change. My doctors are watching me closely and I am praying for them as well. I will do whatever the Lord wants me to do, but I want to make sure that it is HIM that wants me to do it.
I am not worried - I was. I was overwhelmed. I was scared and felt like the load was too heavy, but then I realized, yet again, that I had taken my eyes off of my Jesus, the Savior, the One who healed me before, who walks with me through each valley and then stands with me on the mountaintop and shows me where we've been. So I've adjusted my lenses once again and put the cross in view. I have such a passion and love for the Holy Spirit. I believe that if we are born again believers we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit and are filled with such an incredible anointing to be able to lead a life full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control that we cannot lead on our own. It is the Holy Spirit that wraps me in love and holds my hand as I face another trial; speaks peace to me in my time of worry; gives joy in time of trouble; has patience when it seems I can't go on; shows kindness when I've reached the end of my road; sees goodness when the news I hear might not be what I want to hear; has faithfulness when I need to believe anyway; gives gentleness when the storms rage within; and reel in a little self-control when the screams want to come. The Lord blesses us with His Spirit in such a way that we need only to call upon His name and He is there. What a blessing we have in Him. Thank you, Jesus, is never enough to say, but all He ever wants - our praise.
So pray for me and my family as I go to the doctor next week and see what lies ahead. Pray for direction and wisdom and what needs to be done next, about the medication as well as a possible biopsy. I have peace about it and my family is so grateful that we have your prayers. Thank you.
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 (NKJV)
I love you all,
Kacey
