She is clothed in strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25
I have a confession to make. This verse is a favorite, but I must confess that I have not been laughing without fear of the future. I have struggled so much over these last couple of months with what I know to do versus what I'm doing. I know that God tells me not to fear, that He does everything for my good, that He is in control, that I should never worry, that I should cast all my burdens on Him. I know these things and I believe with my whole heart that this is exactly what we should do. But what have I been doing? Worrying, fearing, questioning, asking why and what if, and on and on.
I do struggle with fear and anxiety. Part of me thinks it's just the momma and wife in me....fearing for my boys and my husband, their safety, their health, making good and right choices. But I know in my heart that they are not truly mine. They are God's and I just have the privilege of being their momma and Alan's wife. So I am constantly praying over them while I'm praying over releasing my fear and anxiety. It can be quite the vicious cycle. Part of me thinks it's a result of my cancer journey. My doctor tells me that it's very common after cancer to experience an increase in fear and anxiety, almost like PTSD symptoms. Maybe. There was so much good that came, and still comes, from my walk through cancer, and I want the good to outweigh the bad and scary parts. Part of me thinks it's the enemy. The enemy doesn't want me to have so much trust in the Lord that I can honestly laugh without fear of the future. But it's what I want so desperately. I'm a work in progress.
Here's what God did this week to show me He's got it. He has everything under control. I need not worry.
These past couple of months have been a trying time. My parents, along with Alan, the boys and me, share the home we currently live in. There are lots of stairs and lots of shared spaces. We have purchased some land and are building a new house with no stairs and separate living spaces. We all fully can see God's hand in moving us where we are, as well as where we are going. Looking back, you can literally trace His hand over us. I'm so thankful for this confirmation. Well, a few weeks ago, Alan's job stopped overtime hours completely. These are hours he worked to get some extra money in order to pay for the construction of the new home, as well as the home we're in. We didn't think much of it at first because it's happened before. But after a month, they let all employees know that overtime would not be available for a while, if ever. We still did not worry because we were going to approach this differently...we were going to not worry about the future. Then nothing happened. No extra work came, but the bills kept coming. We started getting antsy and worried and distracted. Alan began looking for other work to fill in the gaps, as did I. Just when we were on the brink of being behind, God stepped in! Alan got a job working on Saturday mornings. This is significant because the one prayer we had was that God would not let extra work interfere with Sundays and us going to church. He did it. Then, God opened overtime hours back up for him last week for two days. That may not seem like much, but those two days were right on time. They were perfect.
I will say that the hours at Alan's job have again been closed. But what did we learn? God opened something up that man said would be closed. We learned that God has us in His hands. He sees our tears and He hears our prayers and He will never, ever let us fall. It might not look the way we want it to, and it might not seem like enough, but for us, it was enough. It was enough to know that God didn't leave us stranded. It was enough, though, to keep us dependent solely upon Him. He's our refuge. He's our help. He's our solace. He's our everything. I was so moved by this lesson He taught us. It's allowed me to rid myself of other anxiety because He has that, too. Well, I'm able to do that today. I'm still a work in progress. We all are. I'm thankful for His patience. I'm thankful for His love. I'm thankful for His provision. I don't know where the next set of hours are coming from. I don't know how we're going to get from this place to the next one...but God does. He only wants me to know that He has a plan for our good. We need only to trust. But for today, and we're supposed to live only one day at a time...so today, this moment, this minute, I can laugh without fear of the future. As for the minutes, hours and days after this one...I'm working on it.
I love you all,
Kacey
