My heart has been filled today. I've been overflowing with love for my Jesus. I've been humbled; and to say that I'm grateful doesn't even begin to grasp what my heart is trying to say when I think about what this week must have been like for Jesus the week He was crucified. What was He thinking? What was He feeling? Was He scared? Was He lonely? I spend so much time thinking about His birth and His resurrection, and yes, I think about His death, but I think about it in terms of what He did for me...not what it meant for Him. Today I've spent the day thinking about what it must have been like for Him.
Jesus says in Matthew 26:38-39, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death...Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (NIV) Oh, my, how my heart breaks when I read this passage because I can hear the grief and sorrow and pain in the voice of Jesus. His soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death! He fell on His face. When I think about the times that I have gone to God and fallen on my face it's because of my circumstance or my sin. But Jesus went to the Garden of Gethsemane and fell on His face because He was about to suffer upon a cross that was meant for me and my sin, not His own. He did nothing to deserve to die this way. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen on my face before God and asked and begged Him to take something from me or to change my circumstance. But, when I read this and thought about what this was like for Jesus, what He was about to suffer, what He was about to do....for me....the realm of emotions I feel are almost unexplainable. I feel shame because I'm not worth it. I feel loved because through this suffering, this sacrifice, this grief and anxiety, this begging and pleading to make it all go away, in the end Jesus says in verse 42 when He had gone away a second time to pray, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." (NIV) In other words, He said, I'll do it - I love them all, too. So we know that Jesus was grieving, but we also know He wanted His Father's will.
What must it have been like after His arrest and trial? What was He thinking when they beat Him? What must have been going through His head when they mocked Him? Have you ever had someone hurt your feelings or mock you or make fun of you? I have and it hurts, but nothing I have ever experienced has ever compared to what had been done to Jesus. Just listen. The soldiers mocked Jesus. "They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on Him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on His head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of Him and mocked Him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. They spit on Him, and took the staff and struck Him on the head again and again. After they had mocked Him, they took off the robe and put His own clothes on Him. Then they led him away to crucify Him." Matthew 27:28-31 (NIV) I imagine His body so weak from the beatings, but His heart so weak and hurt from the insults and mockery and laughter and spit in His face! The reality of the crucifixion has been so real in my heart. The images vivid in my head as over and over and over again He endured this for me and for you. I keep thinking that it should have been me they mocked and laughed at. It should have been me they spit on. But He took it for me instead. He took it for you. He did it so we wouldn't have to.
What was Jesus thinking when they reached Golgotha? Was He thinking it was almost over? Was He thinking the worst is yet to come? Was He wondering if He could endure any more? Was He in such pain that He was just ready to get it done? I can't imagine what was going through His mind right before they drove that first nail through His hand. I'm sure He was waiting, filled with anguish and anxiety, already hurting, physically, and his heart breaking knowing He was about to suffer for all of us, including the very one about to drive that first nail. Matthew 27:34, "There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it." (NIV) I learned through a Bible study that this gall that was mixed with the wine was used to numb the pain. But did you get what that scripture said? It said Jesus refused to drink it! Why? It is my belief that He did not want anything to make this sacrifice easier. His death bore the sins of the world and that was a very heavy load to bear.
What did Jesus think when they hung Him between two criminals...this Savior, this Son of God who had done no wrong, yet there He was hanging between two criminals? Luke 23:34 says, "Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (NIV) What did He think when they sneered at Him, yelling "He saved others, let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One." Luke 23:35 (NIV) In Matthew 27:46 when, "Jesus cried out in a loud voice, My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?", did He feel alone? (NIV) The mocking never stopped. The hurtful words continued. The laughter never ceased. Jesus hung on that cross amidst all of this humiliation and shame for something He never did. He was perfect. He was the perfect Lamb. "It was now the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining, and the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit," When he had said this, he breathed His last." Luke 23:44-47 (NIV) The middle of the day, noontime, and it was dark because the sun stopped shining. The Light of the World, dying on a cross, for sins he never committed.
Jesus could have called 10,000 angels to get him off the cross. He could have come down if He wanted. But He didn't. He knew what He had to do in order to save me and to save you. But what's been so very real to me in reading this story that I've read more times than I can count, is that we were the purpose of this whole horrendous death. We were the reason He suffered. There was no other sacrifice good enough to save us and give us eternal life in Heaven except the Son of God! So every time I think He doesn't understand how low I feel, or how desperate I am to change my circumstance, I'm going to rethink this time that Jesus suffered for me because I think he knows much more than I can ever imagine.
Now don't stop reading yet because the best is yet to come. Luke 24:6 says, "He is not here; he has risen! Remember how He told you, while He was still with you in Galilee: The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again," (NIV) Verse 2 says, "They found the stone rolled away from the tomb but when they entered they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus." (NIV) He's Alive and He is Risen, Heaven's Gates are Opened Wide, He's Alive!! He got to appear to His disciples again and then, "He lifted up His hands and blessed them. While He was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven." Luke 24:50-51 (NIV)
Yes, I have wondered what these last days were like for Jesus and it humbles me more than I can explain. It's hard to think about someone loving me and you that much - enough to endure that kind of pain and humiliation and dread. And back to what I've been asking all along, what was Jesus thinking and feeling? I think He was feeling love toward us. I think he was thinking that one day His promise would be fulfilled and all glory would be His; that one day all nations would bow before His throne and call Him Lord of Lords and King of Kings. This kind of love can come only from Jesus, the One and only Son of God, who came and suffered and bore my sins and died for me and died for you in order for us to have eternal life in Heaven. Thank you, Jesus, just isn't enough. My cup runneth over.
Happy Easter.
I love you all,
Kacey
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
She Laughs
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25 (NIV)
There is nothing quite like being awestruck by the word of God. Nothing like reading something and knowing that you are reading it because He wants you to. I read this verse the other day and was just that...awestruck. You see, I've been in some kind of trench lately, a valley that sits a little lower than any of the other valleys I've visited over the past little while. When I read this verse, the first thing I thought was "I've lost my smile"; "I've lost my laughter". It made me sad. It woke me up.
There are so many adjustments that have to be made when you go through cancer. What happens in the beginning is that you must adjust to the fact that you have cancer. Then you adjust to the kind of cancer you have and what your treatment options are. After that, you must adjust to your new way of living - fighting every day, making sure your loved ones are okay, trying to stay positive, and on and on. During this beginning stage when you're adjusting to all this, you are also given a lot of information about your future. You're told what to expect one year, two years, five years from that moment and, for me, I didn't hear this information. I stopped listening when I heard "you have cancer". But you wade through everything, you fight, and you believe that if you can just make it to the other side you'll just go back to normal and pick up where you left off. Let me warn you...it's not possible, or it wasn't for me. I am so grateful and so thankful that I made it through, but I did not pick up where I left off. There are so many reasons I am glad I didn't. If you've walked this journey with me, you know how much God has changed my life. He has made me stronger and more faithful and so grateful for so many things. He has shown me things I never dreamed I would get to see and learn and experience. I've begun to remember some of the things the doctors told me to expect. I now remember them telling me that the medicine I would need to take for five years would cause joint pain and fatigue and weight gain. What didn't matter then, matters now. So that's where I've been. I have been sitting in a valley, quite frankly right where the devil wants me, in a pit of self-image issues and weight issues. But that is not where God wants me, so that's not where I intend to stay.
Micah 7:8 says, "Do not gloat over me my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (NIV) I absolutely love this verse. I like to say it over and over, because if the devil thinks he has me right where he wants me, God promises me something different. He will raise me up when I fall. He will be my light on those days I sit in darkness. Many years ago, I began having seizures. Doctors did not know why then and they still don't, but I have to take medication for this. The medicine I've been on all these years now interacts with my cancer medicine so we are doing a change of the seizure medicine. This is not an easy change. Because the drug is a neurological drug, it affects my mood and my emotions, so I've been up and down lately to say the least. (Bless my family for loving me like they do!!) I tell you this because one of the adjustments I am trying to make that I mentioned above is the weight gain associated with all this cancer stuff I've been through. So when I couple the seizure medicine change along with my self-image, weight stuff, I've really just been a mess. I can say this today with a smile because at times it seems so ludicrous to ever be worried about such things. But I am human...and a woman! God tells me I am wonderfully and beautifully made. However, it's not easy to ever feel beautiful during cancer. Half the time, I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I felt like so much of me was changing. Now, even though I've come through what I thought was the hardest part, I still find myself not wanting to look in the mirror. I've been asking myself what happened. I've been asking why I seemed happier in the throes of cancer than I do today. I keep asking God these questions. I keep asking Him why I seem to be so focused on these things the doctors told me were coming; why I can't accept where I am right now; why I don't seem happy. He told me. I lost my focus. I took my eyes off of Him. I lost my smile and my laughter because I've made it about me instead of about Him. In the middle of cancer, I might not have wanted to look in the mirror very much, but that wasn't my focus. My focus was to go about telling all the things the Lord was showing me and the prayers that were being answered and the ways He was growing my faith. So for now, as Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning", (NIV) I am going to refocus my eyes. I know He has a work for me to do. I am where I am and it is what it is. I am where He wants me to be and I am going to do what He wants, His way, not my way.
I believe it's important to share with you where I am because I believe many of you have the same struggles. I think many of you struggle with self-image issues and weight issues whether or not you've been through cancer. I think the Lord wants me to share this struggle with you to let you know you are not alone and to let me know I'm not alone. Any time we bring something out of the darkness into the light, it loses its power over us. Maybe this is a start. I am asking you to pray with me about this issue, that we can begin to see ourselves the way God sees us. I'm going to ask Him to get me out of this cycle and bring me out of this pit, and I know He will because He said He would. The enemy is always going to use our weakest link against us. But we have a bigger God! I think it is important for us to remember that God tells us in Isaiah 40: 28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV). Isn't this the most amazing promise? Yes, I feel like I am sitting in a valley right now that sits a little lower than any I've ever been in. But tonight, as I look around and find myself searching for my Savior, I see Him here with me. He's not tired or weary, though I may be. He understands me and where I am, though I may not. He gives me strength I do not even know I have. I have hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength; and when He does, I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror. You know why? I see Him...not me.
I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come.
There is nothing quite like being awestruck by the word of God. Nothing like reading something and knowing that you are reading it because He wants you to. I read this verse the other day and was just that...awestruck. You see, I've been in some kind of trench lately, a valley that sits a little lower than any of the other valleys I've visited over the past little while. When I read this verse, the first thing I thought was "I've lost my smile"; "I've lost my laughter". It made me sad. It woke me up.
There are so many adjustments that have to be made when you go through cancer. What happens in the beginning is that you must adjust to the fact that you have cancer. Then you adjust to the kind of cancer you have and what your treatment options are. After that, you must adjust to your new way of living - fighting every day, making sure your loved ones are okay, trying to stay positive, and on and on. During this beginning stage when you're adjusting to all this, you are also given a lot of information about your future. You're told what to expect one year, two years, five years from that moment and, for me, I didn't hear this information. I stopped listening when I heard "you have cancer". But you wade through everything, you fight, and you believe that if you can just make it to the other side you'll just go back to normal and pick up where you left off. Let me warn you...it's not possible, or it wasn't for me. I am so grateful and so thankful that I made it through, but I did not pick up where I left off. There are so many reasons I am glad I didn't. If you've walked this journey with me, you know how much God has changed my life. He has made me stronger and more faithful and so grateful for so many things. He has shown me things I never dreamed I would get to see and learn and experience. I've begun to remember some of the things the doctors told me to expect. I now remember them telling me that the medicine I would need to take for five years would cause joint pain and fatigue and weight gain. What didn't matter then, matters now. So that's where I've been. I have been sitting in a valley, quite frankly right where the devil wants me, in a pit of self-image issues and weight issues. But that is not where God wants me, so that's not where I intend to stay.
Micah 7:8 says, "Do not gloat over me my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (NIV) I absolutely love this verse. I like to say it over and over, because if the devil thinks he has me right where he wants me, God promises me something different. He will raise me up when I fall. He will be my light on those days I sit in darkness. Many years ago, I began having seizures. Doctors did not know why then and they still don't, but I have to take medication for this. The medicine I've been on all these years now interacts with my cancer medicine so we are doing a change of the seizure medicine. This is not an easy change. Because the drug is a neurological drug, it affects my mood and my emotions, so I've been up and down lately to say the least. (Bless my family for loving me like they do!!) I tell you this because one of the adjustments I am trying to make that I mentioned above is the weight gain associated with all this cancer stuff I've been through. So when I couple the seizure medicine change along with my self-image, weight stuff, I've really just been a mess. I can say this today with a smile because at times it seems so ludicrous to ever be worried about such things. But I am human...and a woman! God tells me I am wonderfully and beautifully made. However, it's not easy to ever feel beautiful during cancer. Half the time, I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I felt like so much of me was changing. Now, even though I've come through what I thought was the hardest part, I still find myself not wanting to look in the mirror. I've been asking myself what happened. I've been asking why I seemed happier in the throes of cancer than I do today. I keep asking God these questions. I keep asking Him why I seem to be so focused on these things the doctors told me were coming; why I can't accept where I am right now; why I don't seem happy. He told me. I lost my focus. I took my eyes off of Him. I lost my smile and my laughter because I've made it about me instead of about Him. In the middle of cancer, I might not have wanted to look in the mirror very much, but that wasn't my focus. My focus was to go about telling all the things the Lord was showing me and the prayers that were being answered and the ways He was growing my faith. So for now, as Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning", (NIV) I am going to refocus my eyes. I know He has a work for me to do. I am where I am and it is what it is. I am where He wants me to be and I am going to do what He wants, His way, not my way.
I believe it's important to share with you where I am because I believe many of you have the same struggles. I think many of you struggle with self-image issues and weight issues whether or not you've been through cancer. I think the Lord wants me to share this struggle with you to let you know you are not alone and to let me know I'm not alone. Any time we bring something out of the darkness into the light, it loses its power over us. Maybe this is a start. I am asking you to pray with me about this issue, that we can begin to see ourselves the way God sees us. I'm going to ask Him to get me out of this cycle and bring me out of this pit, and I know He will because He said He would. The enemy is always going to use our weakest link against us. But we have a bigger God! I think it is important for us to remember that God tells us in Isaiah 40: 28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV). Isn't this the most amazing promise? Yes, I feel like I am sitting in a valley right now that sits a little lower than any I've ever been in. But tonight, as I look around and find myself searching for my Savior, I see Him here with me. He's not tired or weary, though I may be. He understands me and where I am, though I may not. He gives me strength I do not even know I have. I have hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength; and when He does, I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror. You know why? I see Him...not me.
I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come.
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