Hello to everyone! It's been a long time since I've talked to you. I'd like to explain this road I've been on lately. It's been rough and what I thought was a sinking, desperate hole that seemed impossible to climb out of, I've begun to see that it's not really been that way at all.
During the last three years, what started out being a cancer diagnosis became one thing after another. One thing caused another thing, which caused another twist in the journey, and before I knew it I was sitting in a place where I did not recognize where I was, much less who I was. I've been in a place where it seemed God was far away, where I called out and asked "where are you?". I know God never moves, so I knew He was still there; so that only made it worse for me at that time because that could only mean one thing - I was the one that had moved...and I didn't want to move. I didn't want to feel so alone. I didn't want to feel like I didn't fit in. I didn't want to wonder who I was. But I felt all of those things. I got to the point where I would look in the mirror and think "who am I?". I couldn't come to grips with my life and what I was supposed to do now. I had stopped writing, stopped seeing my friends, stopped searching and looking for God in all the ways I had seen Him before. Basically, I crashed. I ran out of steam and the last three years came tumbling in on me. You see, I've spent the last three years going through surgeries, going through treatments, going through medicine changes, and just when I thought I was finished with one thing there came another. All this time of just trying to get through, I lost myself, lost my smile, lost my way. I would look in the mirror and only see negative things...weight gain, no smile, no laughter, distractions of all kinds. But the enemy has a way of getting to us when we're down. He comes in ever so slightly, whispering untruths in our ears. I was down and was believing those whispers I heard. I didn't like myself, didn't like what I saw, but what happened next is God in His truest, most loving, gentle way. It's what makes me wonder how people get through without the Lord - cause when you're down in a place that you feel you can't get out of, He is our lifeline! God is our refuge and our strength and for me, His voice rang louder than any other.
I never stopped talking to God, but I must say I was weak and weary. Most of my alone time was spent in quiet, searching for what I needed to do and worrying about feeling so alone in a life where I am surrounded by the best family, loving me and supporting me and trying to figure out how to help me. Then one day I just flat out started saying, "Lord Jesus, I miss you! I miss seeing You in everything I do. I miss hearing Your Voice and seeing Your Hand in my everyday life! I miss being used by You. I want it back, that "up on the mountaintop feeling". He began to show me. He began to answer me and open my eyes.
One day I was reading and came across a quote by a woman named Lysa TerKeurst that said, "There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to look past being set aside to see God's call for her to be set apart." That's when God began to move on my heart. I began to really think about what that means. The Bible tells me I am wonderfully made. In this world we live in today, I'm not going to fit into it. I don't adhere or condone many of the world's views of what's right and what's wrong. Being set aside means to separate, to discard or to reject, or to declare invalid (The Free Dictionary). God showed me that's not who I am to Him. I am not rejected or invalid to Him. He does not ever set me aside and disregard me. I am set apart because I am a child of The King, an Heir to the Kingdom, a Princess, a wonderfully, beautifully made child of Almighty God! I have been set apart from the world to do the work of Christ, to show the world what He means to me, what He's done for me. I am set apart because God says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart...". I began to feel comfortable in who I had become. Yes, I look a little different, well, to me a lot different but I'm working on it. My journey with cancer has been hard and trying and tiring and rough; but it's also been very blessed and amazing. I have gained weight, which I have struggled with greatly. I now have scars that I didn't have before. But I also look different to myself because I am different. I'm set apart to do something, not for myself, but for God. When I figured this out, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and said, "who are you now"? You know what I heard God say in that moment? He said, "You are enough". That's what I heard in my spirit. He said you're enough for me, I made you, I created you, and in my eyes you are perfect because you are enough. Wow! I'd been missing it. I was so busy concentrating on what I was supposed to be seeing and doing and all along He was giving me grace and rest and time to heal all my wounds, inside and out. I thought I had grown distant and quiet, but He tells us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I had done just that. I was weary and it wasn't time for me to get moving and doing, it was time for me to rest. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9
Since the time I was 7 years old, I have been worshipping the Lord through music. The Lord speaks to me so much through music. I was listening today to some songs and one that really stood out to me was by the McKameys called "The Shepherd's Point of View". In the song it talks about standing on the mountaintop and seeing the valley you've just walked through, only seeing it from the Shepherd's point of view. This spoke to me so vividly. My favorite part of the song is where it says: "He reminds you of that moment, when you could not make it through; Now you see one set of footprints where He reached down and carried you; As your tears fall on His shoulder, and you thank Him for His love; He says "Child, I knew that one day, you'd see this valley from above". I wept...tears flowing, shoulders shaking, cannot speak kind of weeping. I realized in that moment that all the tears I've cried, not just over the last three years, but the ones over the last 6 months have been the hardest. What I didn't realize until today is that those tears have been falling on His shoulder because He's had me right in His arms this whole time.
Oh, how I thank Him. Oh, how I love Him. The little things He's allowed me to see, the things He's allowed me to feel during this time have been little whispers from Him to let me know to just let it go - let it out and free myself of it all...the worry, the fear, the unsettledness, the pain, the hurt, the not being able to put into words what I'm feeling until now, the grief over those who haven't understood me or where I am...I let it all fall through my tears and where did it land? On Him. On His shoulders for Him to carry for me. He carries our burdens and He held me while I gave it to Him. I didn't even know I was giving it up. No, He never left me. He never gave up. Instead, He loved me through it, gave me grace, loved me with a love that's indescribable, and is now putting me back down on my feet. I'll admit that my legs are a little shaky, and when I look at myself in the mirror it's hard not to see the weight and the scars. I stopped long ago taking pictures of myself, but He says that's enough. So you might start seeing pictures of my family with me actually in them, because God used my sister this week to let me know that what my family and loved ones see when they look at me is this: a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and friend...a healthy, happy, cancer-free Jesus girl with a story to keep on telling. You have one, too. Don't give up if you're in a valley, you'll be back up soon and the view will be amazing. It may take longer than you'd like, but it will be worth the wait. Always know there's hope in Jesus, no matter your circumstance. Remind yourself you are loved and adored. Jesus came to this earth to die for you and for me. He made you and you are beautiful. I will continue to remind myself that I am beautiful to Him. My body has been through a lot and one day I'll get it back on track, but for now, I'm enough.
I love you all,
Kacey
