78 Days

Be still and know that I am God...

Psalm 46:10

78 days. 78 days to break. 78 days to fall on my face in utter desperation to the Lord. 78 days from a second breast cancer diagnosis to truly realize how finite and precious and fragile life really is. 78 days to bring my broken, battered, scarred, battle-weary body and mind to the feet of Jesus. I lay there raw and exposed and grasping for the hem of His garment. For it was there, and only there,that I longed to be. But I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel Him.I couldn’t hear Him. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My mind was so far in the throes of a spiritual battle I couldn’t see how irrational I was being. I kept calling for God. I kept asking Him where He was. I kept trying to find that peace that only He can give. The harder I tried, the worse I felt, and the deeper into the pit I fell. My face was wet and covered in tears that would not stop flowing. My life flashed like a movie reel in my mind. I cried out to God, “I’m not ready to go! I’ve got more things to do! I need more time here! I want to do more for You! I need to tell others about you! I don’t want to leave my family! Please don’t take me yet!” I was inconsolable and nothing I did or said seemed to release me from the grips of this desolate, lonely place.

Let me back up for just a minute. 78 days prior to this day, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time. Within these 78 days I learned that it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The doctors told me the tumor was contained inside the duct wall, but it wasn’t. They told me I would not need chemo and then a week later said I would. A week after that, they again said chemo would not be necessary. You see, I have been on a constant roller-coaster ride for the last 78 days, and I cannot get off. I couldn’t stop it. After the doctors realized that the tumor had come outside the duct wall, they needed to check the lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. Instead of putting me through another surgery, they opted to have me do a CT scan instead. It was less invasive, they said. It was, indeed, less invasive to my body, but not to my mind. See, the CT scan came back and said the lymph nodes looked great, but some other “findings” were seen that were “inconclusive”. There were several spots on my spine that needed further testing. They told me it could be arthritis, or age, or any number of things, but I also know that breast cancer can spread to the bones. Fast forward to two days ago, 78 days from my diagnosis. I woke up that morning, two days after the CT results, in extreme back pain. I panicked. I lost all rational thought. Because of what this report said about these “findings”, I started the dreaded Google search and shouldn’t have done that. I went down a very dark road. That’s when all the things I described above happened. That’s where I found myself in the grips of the hardest spiritual battle I’ve ever faced.

But God! I couldn’t see it right in the moment, but God was there the whole time. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” In my heart I knew this. My mind was a different thing. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I was the one he was trying to devour, and he thought he was going to get away with it. But James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” I know that morning the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to call an orthopedic doctor to get some x-rays of my back. I called crying and desperate, and the sweet lady on the other end of the line heard my despair and got me an appointment that afternoon. My mom and I went to that appointment and, I’ll be honest, it didn’t go well at the start. The two people I saw first seemed distracted and unfriendly at a time when I needed someone to have compassion. They took me back for x-rays and then we waited. There wasn’t much conversation between me and Momma. I think we were both praying. But after the rough start of the appointment, the door opened, and this woman walked in. It was as if she brought a bright light in with her. She was totally surrounded in light, and I was instantly at ease. She told me the x-rays looked good. She saw no signs of cancer. She went on to explain why and what she thought was going on with my back. I broke down again. Right in the office. I almost fell to my knees. I’m having an MRI next Wednesday to be reassured, and I have a PET scan on Thursday to check things over on a deeper level. 

I say all of this because I needed to paint the picture of where I was in order to show you where I went. You see, today, at this moment, I still don’t have conclusive results. But I don’t believe in coincidences, and I ran across a preacher who was talking about trust. He was saying that we either trust God or we don’t. We either have faith or we don’t. His exact words were, “If you’re desperately searching for absolute certainty in a situation, that certainty has become an idol in your life, because you either trust God or you don’t.” Ok. I hear you, Lord. He was there. He was speaking to me. He was asking me to trust Him. God is so many things. He’s love and compassion and mercy and grace and just and so much more, but He’s also a gentleman. He wasn’t making me trust Him. He was asking me. He was telling me that I don’t need absolute certainty. I need Him. He knows my heart. Lamentations 2:19 says, “Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!” That’s what I did. I spent a lot of time with Him pouring out my heart. I apologized for wondering where He was. He was there. I said I was sorry that I kept looking and couldn’t seem to find Him. He has been showing me His presence all along. I repented of the idol of certainty that I was carrying and the fear that went along with it. I know He forgave me because His word says He does. Proverbs 18:10 says, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it, and are safe.” I ran to Him, and I found Him, and I was safe.

So I sit here today without certainty of test results. I am thankful that He led me to the doctor for x-rays. But I choose to trust God in the waiting. I choose to keep my eyes focused on Him. It’s not easy. He never said it would be. But with Him, it’s possible. Isaiah 40:13 says, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.” Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say wait.” See, the waiting is the hardest part. It’s where we sit with the unknown. It’s when the devil sneaks in and tries to steal our joy. Two days ago, he thought he had me. But he doesn’t know the depth of my love for the Lord. He must not understand that he cannot have me because I am a child of God, a princess, an heir to the throne. I’m bought and paid for for all of eternity. The Bible tells us that the mere mention of the name of Jesus makes Satan flee. So right now, in the waiting, I say Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. 

78 days in this journey so far. I’ve been scarred and beaten down and broken. But I will stand. Micah 7:8 is a favorite verse of mine that says, “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” So, yes, I fell. But I rose. I sit and wait in the light of the Lord. And I trust.

I love you all,
Kacey