The sun did not shine this morning. It was dreary and cloudy and foggy and rainy. It's funny how the weather sometimes matches our mood. I wasn't in a bad mood, but I was feeling a little anxious. You see, earlier this week, I had an appointment to get my yearly mammogram. For those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer nine years ago, ten years this November. So, going in for a mammogram is always a little stressful. Doctors say that the ten year mark is a very big deal, but in all honesty, on Wednesday I was just going about my day thinking I would be in and out of the office, no trouble - just something that had to be done. After all, I was almost to the ten year mark. I was fine. Let's get this over with and go have lunch! That pretty much sums up my thinking and my attitude on Wednesday, with just the slightest hint of anxiety.
My appointment on Wednesday was late in the day - the last patient. Normally, I don't do this because if other tests need to be done, I like to have enough time to do them. But I took this appointment because it was the soonest one they had. I get my mammogram done and the girl told me I would hear from my doctor. Usually, I wait around for the radiologist to read it so I know the results before I leave. They didn't want me to do that. I know they were trying to get out of there and go home, but I insisted they let me stay until the films were read. I wish I hadn't. The girl came out and told me they saw something that needed more attention and I would need more tests. They couldn't do them that afternoon, nor the next day. They had Friday morning - today - which meant I had to wait the rest of Wednesday and all day and night Thursday. The waiting truly is the worst part. The not knowing. But I fumbled through those two days and did pretty good. I hadn't felt anything abnormal, and I found the first lump, so I kept telling myself this over and over.
I will tell you that I do not believe in coincidences. I call them Godincidences because He is involved in every detail of our lives, no matter how big or small. Luke 12:6-7 says, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." So it is no coincidence that we are studying the book of Job in Sunday School at church. It's a Godincidence. I've studied the beginning of this book for the last two days, going deep into the word trying to understand the depths of Job's loss and his despair. He lost everything, including his ten children. He was sick and covered in boils from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. But the lesson this week centered on hope - having hope in the midst of our tragedies and the circumstances that seem to be too much. It is not revealed in whole about why God allowed these things to happen to Job. It remains one of the mysteries of God. Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." So this tells us that God is in control and He has HIs reasons as to why things happen the way they do. But for me, I also believe that Job was used as an example to us - to show us how to withstand the things that come into our lives - to show us to never blame God but always have hope and faith in Him. We must not ever lose our faith. I'll tell you in a minute how this helped me today.
But let me get back to my appointment this morning. A diagnostic mammogram was ordered to look deeper into what they saw on Tuesday. An ultrasound was also ordered, but only if needed. So I get my favorite girl today. She's been with me over the last ten years of this journey, and with my mom before me. She knows us. She knows how we think. She cares. Deeply. She does everything in her power to put our minds at ease at each appointment. She started by saying that she had a hard time seeing what they saw on Tuesday, which is good. She took the pictures, put my mind at ease and I was good. I waited while she took the films to the radiologist, and I honestly did not think an ultrasound would be needed. It was. I kept thinking, "Lord, am I going to go back down this road?"
The girl came and got me for the ultrasound, and although I was a little anxious, I also know that they are overly cautious, and I love that they are. She's doing the mammogram and then tells me she's going to take some pictures under my arm and then she'll be done. This is where the fear just almost overtook me. I know enough to know that when they do an ultrasound under your arm, they are checking your lymph nodes. They've never done that before, so I had to work really hard to remain as calm as possible. She took the films to the radiologist and said she'd be right back. Here's what I know about that time she was gone:
It was 8 minutes - I checked the time at 4 minutes and then 2 and then 2 more.
There were 9 cabinets in that room.
There were only 2 lights on.
There was a very busy picture on the wall that had only 3 red flowers in it.
There were 3 things in the ceiling that blinked a red light every 3 seconds.
There was a bug trapped in the florescent light above me.
I thought about Job. I thanked God for Job. I thanked Him for giving us that book of the Bible and that although I was so sad for him and what he had to endure, I was so thankful that I had his example of how not to lose faith and hope. You see, for a time Job thought death had the final say. We - those of us that know Jesus as our personal Savior - we know death is the beginning of eternity with our Risen Lord. Hallelujah!
These thoughts kept me from going down the "what if" road. It kept me sane and it kept my eyes on Jesus. It wasn't easy. I was scared. I thought about how quickly - 8 minutes in this case - our lives can so drastically change. But I did know deep in the depths of my soul that even though things could change in an instant, God was there in that room with me. I knew He was standing by that bed, holding my hand, waiting for me to get the results.
The place they found was a cluster of fluid filled, benign cysts that is nothing to worry about. I praise God for this news. I thank Him for His mercy and His grace. I will say that had the results been different, I know He would have walked the road with me again. I'm relieved that I don't have to. But I am always, always grateful for these moments. As hard as they are, as scary as they are, I learn so much. My life is in His hands. James 4:14 says, "....You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." That is how fragile this life is. But I am so thankful that eternity is forever. "There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light, and they will reign for ever and ever." Revelation 22:5
So the sun was not shining this morning. It was dreary and foggy and cloudy and rainy. But for me, 2 Samuel 23:4 came to life. It says, "He dawns on them like the morning light, like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning, like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth." God was shining down on me and I give Him all glory and all honor and all praise. But the one thing I learned from Him this week and today, is that He shines on us no matter our circumstances. He loves us that much. So the sun didn't shine this morning, but the SON? He did!
I love you all,
Kacey
