This past Saturday I had the wonderful idea of letting the boys and Alan stay home and have "boy" time while I went alone to get groceries at Walmart. Sometimes, as a mother and/or wife, if you need a little time alone this is the perfect place to go because it is a place where there are endless aisles of things to look at, and of course the must-haves that you never knew you needed. But when you go with your husband and/or children, instead of getting to look at things peacefully and getting to take your time to make just the right purchases, you only get to look at their sad, desperate "when are we getting out of here" faces; therefore, the entire experience is a nightmare. So, I decided to go alone. On this particular day I didn't mind it - I was even looking forward to a little solitude (if that can be found in Walmart). I had all the time I wanted; I was happy; I had my list that had been carefully entered into my phone; my coupons were clipped; I was ready to go.
It started off wrong from the start. I did not see a man in a white truck waiting in the main lane to turn down an aisle for a parking spot, so when I put on my blinker, he roared passed me angrily. I would not have stolen the spot from him. I was there for solitude and alone time. I didn't care to circle around or park far away. But, when he stormed away, I took that as a sign that the spot was meant for me. :) But, as I started to get out of my car, I noticed his truck parked at the end of the lane and paranoid me felt like he was just waiting for me to get out of my car to either run over me, confront me, or key my car. So, I decided to just wait and see what he was going to do and just sat in my car and listened to music. It turns out he was just waiting for someone to come out of the store, and I don't think he even remembered the spot he was wanting. How's that for being paranoid?!
I then proceeded into the store, and I always start on the non-food side first. I got my shampoo and toothpaste and was looking in the bath towels for a soap dispenser for our bathroom. I had already been up and down one aisle and remembered there were some on the other side. I saw an end-cap opening and was going to go through there, but noticed a man and his wife looking for picture frames. I could tell she was a bit frustrated and I heard her say "Really?" I thought she was asking her husband that question about the frames. I was turning my buggy around to go the other way when she told me to come on through. She stepped aside (she did not even have a buggy), and I went through, said excuse me, smiled, and said thank you. She then looked at me and said, "Really? You could have walked all the way down that aisle and gone the long way, but you chose to come through this spot right now? That is very bold and rude of you." Well, I was stunned. I thought she had invited me through. I was going to turn around and not bother them, but she waits until I get through the opening, which, by the way, took all of two or three seconds, to yell at me. I didn't say anything, but was very upset. I started back down the aisle and could see her still talking about me, explaining to her husband that no one was around and I should have just gone the long way around. I don't think he was pleased with her from what I could tell. So, I said, "okay, Jesus, help me talk to her, but in the right way". I then approached her again and said, "Excuse me, ma'am. I am sorry. I don't think you noticed, but I was going to turn my buggy around and go the other way until you stepped aside and invited me through." She said she was in a "mood", but never apologized and still thought I was in the wrong! This is where I know God took over because instead of being able to say anything, I just looked at her and started crying! Yes, here I am, a grown woman, tears streaming down my face, standing right smack dab in the middle of Walmart! I told her she was so rude and I thought her husband was going to cry right along with me. I turned and went on my way but could absolutely not stop my tears. I mean, you think you can go into Walmart, which sometimes is like the land of the lost, but believe me, you become noticed when you start to cry. People were looking at me with those looks - you know, the looks that say "well, bless her heart, if they don't have the right color towel here for her, Bed, Bath and Beyond might have it". But I kept going and thought I was very brave to stay in the store and complete my shopping. However, news travels fast in my family, and when my son called to ask me a question and could tell I was upset, that started an avalanche of phone calls from my husband, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law who were on their way to the beach. And each phone call required me to recount the story again, which brought about another round of fresh tears. So, there are lots of people out there today thinking that Walmart was just fresh out of everything I needed! :)
I tell you this story (and it's a true story) because I learned a lot that day. One, I learned that the tongue is a very powerful weapon. No wonder it is spoken of so many times throughout the Bible. James 3:8 says, "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." (NKJV) Did Jesus stop me from speaking something I would have regretted later by allowing me to cry? Maybe! But on the other hand I wish I would have been able to tell her about Jesus. See, we don't ever know what kind of day someone is having, or if they are hurting in a way that can't be seen from the outside. We can't know what's in their heart or mind or home or life. But being on the receiving end of her hurtfulness I learned how words can crush a person's spirit in just a matter of a moment. She had no idea where I've been or where I'm headed.
See, I feel like I've been in "fight" mode for the last year and a half. I thought I was there this time. But my estrogen levels are too high...higher, in fact, than they've ever been. So my next step is to have an MRI to try and locate it. I haven't gone out too far into the future because I think it means another surgery and that makes me want to cry all over again. So, I'm going back to what Jesus has tried to teach me all along - one day at a time.
Another thing I realized that day in Walmart is that I had reached a breaking point - a point where just one more thing at that particular time was one thing too many. I realized I needed a time out to rest and wrap my head around what's coming. We're never really sure what's coming because we're not promised tomorrow, but I do know that I have turned down another road on this journey and I'm headed into places unknown. I also know that this road is going to be long. But, if you know me, you've heard me talk before about the mountains and valleys and deserts. You've heard me talk about all the beauty that waits in each place for us when we arrive. There's a song that talks about these very places and it says that when we're in the canyon, Jesus is our guide. He's my guide and I trust that He's guiding me where He wants me to go. There's a part of me that really can't wait to see what God has in store this time because even though I know I'm headed down a new path following behind the footsteps of my Savior, I know He's got me covered under His wings. Psalm 91:4-6; and 11 says, "He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield; You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday", verse 11 "For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways." (NKJV) Well, I think that says it all! There's no room for fear!
So, I will take this new road and enjoy the beautiful scenery. The breast cancer website had a quote the other day that said "A strong woman believes that she's strong enough to face her journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong! I've become stronger through this journey with Jesus. He has carried me and held me and loved me each step of the way, and I know He's not going to stop now. I take rest in Him and know that having faith means that if God sent this to me, it must be good.
So, because of my experience this week I will watch what I say and how I say it. I will realize that I know nothing of the stranger in front of me, regardless of the smile they show. I will realize that one small word can bring someone up or tear someone down in just a moment. I will put on my full Armor of God, go back to Walmart and take the long way around the aisle next time!
I love you all,
Kacey
