A Visit With Jesus!

I can hardly contain the ways God has been in the midst of this last surgery, so I have to share.  First of all, the surgery went well and the doctor removed four areas of tissue that appeared to be the ovarian tissue we were looking for.  I pray it was.  I will know for sure in the next few days.  Secondly, the surgery was extensive in the fact that the doctor actually moved all the organs she could to make sure nothing was left this time.  She said she literally picked up my appendix, gallbladder, colon, bladder, etc, so my pain has been quite bad.  So I must thank you for your prayers because when you all started praying for my pain to ease up, I knew it!  My pain is much better and now I am just trying to get to a point where I'm not so tired.  That day is coming, too!

The entire day was miraculous in so many ways and this is what I can hardly contain.  I want to share it and let you experience it with me.  A wonderful friend shared an email with me the day before surgery with Psalm 121 attached to it.  It was encouraging and peaceful, and on the morning drive to the hospital, I read it aloud for me and my husband.  The Psalm tells us that our help comes from the Lord and that He does not slumber or sleep, giving us 24 hour protection.  This gave me peace.  I then looked out my window and the sky was beautiful.  There was a bright light coming forth from some dark clouds that morning, which reminded me of the title of my blog "Seeing the SON Through the Darkness of Breast Cancer".  I could feel the SON watching over me on our drive.  Next, as we enter the hospital to check in, the girl at the desk has a verse in Psalm printed out and displayed.  That gave me the chance to tell her how much seeing that verse helped me and tell her about Psalm 121.  By this time, I can feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me.  Then there was a gentleman who came and got us to take us upstairs to my room.  When I asked him how he was his response was "Blessed and highly favored".  That brought forth another conversation.  I told him how God was all over that hospital that day and how comforting it was.  You see, these weren't coincidences.  These were GODINCIDENCES!  They were angels God placed in my path.  There were several other things and people that came through that were whispers of God's presence and I felt a warmth all around me.  But what I want to share next is the best! 

This surgery was my fourth in just a little over a year.  Before my second and third surgeries I asked the Lord to give me a glimpse of Him during my surgery.  I was timid in asking, making sure He knew for sure (like He didn't) :) that I didn't want to die to see a glimpse of Heaven, but that I wanted to see something nonetheless.  I asked with a little more confidence before my third surgery, but woke up not having seen anything.  That was okay with me, whatever He wants is what I want, and I just thought that maybe I had escaped having my heart stop or something going wrong during surgery.  So, prior to this last surgery I had a very difficult time accepting that I had to have another one.  I felt this one was unnecessary...the doctor left something behind...why was this happening.  So I finally accept what is, and remember what God revealed to me when I saw an angel.  You have not because you ask not.  I am learning.  I pray specific, no matter how insignificant or grand it may seem, and I pray big.  Our God is big and there's nothing He can't do if it's His will.  So...with more confidence and much more faith, I ask again for God to give me a glimpse of Heaven or of Jesus or of any of the children I have lost.  I have had three miscarriages and I always wondered if I ever had a girl and thought that would be nice to know if He was willing to show me.  I ask these things this time with expectation.  The nurse that came and got me for surgery told me flat out "You have an angel".  She's right, I did, but how did she know?  She also told me what would be happening during surgery and for me to just pick out a good dream.  My response was "I want to see Jesus".  Here's what happened next.

I remember them putting the mask on my face and closing my eyes.  It has taken me a few days to actually comprehend what I saw and what happened, but I want to take you there.  Right before I woke up, I saw Jesus!  He was standing a little distance away from me.  He had a white robe on and down the middle of the robe was the color blue.  He smiled and I thought He reached His hand out to me and then was gone.  But I felt in my spirit there was more, so as I've been resting, I've been praying and asking God to reveal all that I saw.  He answered me and showed me.  I saw a light that was white, but it was like a tunnel, and I was traveling through it very fast.  But it wasn't a light that was so blinding that I felt like I was dying.  It was almost like it was just a road on which I was traveling.  Next, I am standing beside Jesus, and I don't see Him full in the face at this time, He is just holding my arm, as if guiding me and helping me walk as someone would help after surgery.  We come to an enormous, black, iron, ornate gate.  There were no pearls or anything, but it was black and fancy and big, and it opened to the inside.  The gate opened and He led me just inside.  We didn't go far, just inside the gate.  The gown I had on during surgery was green, but here my gown was blue with specks on it.  In the distance I could see a huge structure.  It was made of stone, the color brown with a red tint, but it was huge and had several different roof lines and tips.  Behind it I saw a blue sky with one white cloud, and in front was water.  The water was a blue unlike any other.  It looked like a pond or a river that was very calm, and in its reflection I could see the building and the sky and the white cloud.  I don't remember saying anything, just looking around in awe, trying to take it all in.  Then suddenly, there was a little girl, her hair was blond and wavy and long.  Her hair was almost as long as she was tall.  She had on a white robe and her face, well, it is almost indescribable.  It shone, almost as if someone was shining a light on it, and she was laughing.  She was running, doing circle eights around me and then between me and Jesus, and then around Him and then through us again, laughing all the time.  I can still hear her giggle.  I just watched and looked.  No words were spoken, but she was exquisite - the building and the water and the sky and the cloud and the gate, everything, was exquisite.  Then the next thing I saw was what I saw first - Jesus, standing a distance away from me.  He did smile, but He didn't reach out His hand toward me, He waved and nodded, as if to say "you're welcome, I'll see you later".  He looked like what we think about sometimes, except his hair was darker than I imagined.  It was long and wavy and He had a beard and mustache.  His skin was darker than I imagined as well, not really, really dark, but not white either.  It was amazing! 

I believe He answered my prayer.  I believe I saw Him.  I believe I saw a glimpse of Heaven.  And I believe I saw my daughter.  One thing I want to try to explain is the amount of peace I felt.  I felt no fear, no worry, no hurt.  And what has stuck with me, too, is I think before all of this I believed if I could ever get a glimpse of a child I had lost I would want to bring it here with me.  I think I thought it would make me sad.  I'm not sad, and I didn't want to bring her here.  Let me explain.  First, if any of the three children I lost had been born, we would not have Jonah.  I was told I would never have children, so I firmly and faithfully believe that my boys have a calling on their lives.  So I know God gave us Jonah for a reason.  Secondly, I want to see God's plan for Max and Jonah fulfilled and can't wait to see what that is.  But if I could have brought that little girl back with me I would not have done it.  She was happy and free and beautiful and I would not want to take that away from her.  She was at such peace and the way she played at Jesus' feet was magical to watch.  She had no pain and no fear and no worries about tomorrow.  She had Jesus.  She had freedom to run and play and she had light with no darkness.  I believe she is an angel and she was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen.  I would not remove her from that.  It gives me peace and comfort to know that we have that to look forward to.  I have a new sense of what forever looks like.  I felt no pain.  I was in awe, which is how I believe we'll feel forever and ever. 

I share this with you because it gives me hope and assurance that one day we'll rejoice and be in the presence of Jesus always.  He took me on a trip that was the best road I've ever traveled; and until He calls me home, it will be the best trip of my life.  He was wonderful and gentle and kind and loving and peaceful, and I wish I could put into words what He was and is.  I know He's with me here everyday, but it's so comforting and exciting and hopeful and peaceful to know that He's there, too, waiting on us to spend eternity in a happiness we can only touch the surface of here on earth. 

So, there it is.  I believe that God is teaching me to put away my timidity when it comes to praising Him and honoring Him asking for things specifically.  1 Timothy 1:7-8 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord." (NKJV)  A friend told me that you can't have a testimony without a test.  How true!  He's also teaching me to pray with expectation, thanking Him in advance for what He promises according to His will.  Remember, I didn't want this surgery.  I thought it was unnecessary...but without it, look what I would've missed!  I would do it again in order to have a visit with Jesus, my Lord.  He allowed me, in His amazing might and power, to visit Heaven and have a visit with Jesus and my little, angelic girl.  There's so much I believe He's willing to show us and share with us if we'll just ask.  I've learned that He's not going to bombard and push his way in our lives because he's a gentleman.  We have to ask.  We have to have faith.  We have to be bold and not timid and then we have to give Him praise when He answers our prayer.  I praise Him for the trip and the visit He allowed me to have.  I hope I've been able to take you on this trip with me.  I have so much more to learn and am humbled that God would give His son to die for me and my sins.  I will never be worthy of what He's shown me...I can only be thankful beyond what any words can tell.

Thank you for praying with and for me, and thank you for continuing to walk this journey with me.  I hope you can feel His presence around you.  He loves you and He's waiting for you, too.

I love you all,
Kacey

Peace of the River

Okay...these last two weeks have been hard.  Trying to wrap my head around this next surgery along with the fact that both of my boys have been sick, then getting the flu myself, and on and on, has been a breeding ground for the enemy to get me down.  Yes, the enemy tried to bring me way down, and I will admit that I have struggled.  I have shed many tears and felt tormented in my thoughts and fears, and wrestled with myself trying to find my Savior.  Sometimes when I'm so weary and tired, it's hard for me to be what I need to be in the Lord.  I sometimes retreat, not knowing what to pray, but you need to know as you read the rest of this, the enemy did not succeed.  God has been right here with me these last two weeks, just as He's been all the other times of my life.  I know in the past I've talked about being down in the valley and how beautiful it can be; but, for the last two weeks I feel as if I've been in the desert.  When I think of the desert I think of being thirsty and hot and alone, with no direction of where to go or how to get out.  I will admit to you that this next surgery has been hard to swallow.  For those of you that don't know, I had a hysterectomy in October of last year, and two weeks ago I found out part of an ovary has been left.  Because it's producing high levels of estrogen in my body and my cancer was estrogen positive, the ovary has to come out...thus another surgery...another bout with anesthesia...another four to six week recovery time...another disruption to my family.  I know, this sounds like a pity party and to be honest, that's what I've been doing...having a big, grand pity party in a big, grand pit of "woe is me", flat out in the middle of a desert.

Or so I thought.  God showed me today in Isaiah 43:19 "Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert!"  (NKJV)  What is so significant about this for me is that last week my family went to Gatlinburg for Spring Break.  My parents took us all to a place we had never seen called The Chimneys.  This place was the most magnificent place I've ever seen.  It's up a mountain and just a little off the beaten path.  It's a little place that you can drive through, or there's picnic tables for you to spend some time there.  This particular day was cold and snowing, but we all got there and parked.  As I opened the door of the car, all I could hear was the rushing of the river.  It was loud, but peaceful at the same time.  The sound was almost deafening, but if you stood still for only a moment and closed your eyes, the air smelled and felt differently.  On one side was the mountain and it was covered in snow - beautiful, white, untouched snow covering the gorgeous mountain that God created.  The trees were tall and still leafless, looming over this area like a shield.  On the other side was the river.  It flowed down the mountain and over the rocks in an immovable, unrelenting force.  Yet, what I found so incredible was if you walked to the river and stood on the rocks, the force didn't seem that strong.  The water appeared gentle and tender and patient.  That particular day, I understood the beauty I was seeing, but I didn't see and hear what the Lord has shown me today, which is this:  That little area of God created space is beautiful...one of the most beautiful places I've seen...and the river, though it seemed gentle and meek and tender, in reality it was mighty and powerful and commanding.  This is who God is to me.  He's gentle when I need uplifting.  He's tender when he wipes away my tears.  He's patient as He waits on me to come back to Him, under His wings, and be still.  2 Chronicles 16:9 says "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." (NKJV)  This verse was in my devotion today talking about how God meets us in the stillness of our souls.  He's looking for us and when we look for Him, the end result is joy.  That's what I finally have found after these last two weeks of what I saw as another roadblock.  I found joy in my Father because He was looking for me, too.  He made rivers flow in the desert, and then took me to the river to show me that there's beauty there, too.  There's joy because yes, God is gentle and tender and patient, and He waited on me and for that I am grateful.  But when He showed me the might and power and command of the river, He showed me that He's mighty enough to handle another surgery.  He's powerful enough to take care of me and do what doctors say can't be done; and He's commanding enough to stop the fears and the trembles.  Mark 4:39 says, "Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace be still!" and the wind ceased and there was a great calm." (NKJV)  That's what He's done for me.  I am calm.  I am in good hands, and I am ready for the next part of this journey.  Thank you for continuing to walk it with me.  God is here and already knows His plan.  I am thankful to Him for showing me the river.  All is well, all is well with my soul.

I love you all,
Kacey