Sufficient Strength

It's been a few weeks since I've written, but I have had a hard time getting the words out.  I am so deeply saddened by the shooting in Sandy Hook in Newtown.  My heart literally aches for all of those families and that entire community.  My prayers are with each of them.  It makes me look at life so differently.  That's what cancer does for me, too.  I look at life differently.  I ask that you pray for me because I am not able to take the medicine that blocks the cancer from returning.  This is the second medicine I've tried.  The first one caused blood clots and all sorts of "big" things.  This one was working wonderfully I thought.  However, I began noticing my knees getting weaker.  They would hurt and ache.  Then they began getting worse, to the point of me not being able to climb my stairs without crawling, not being able to stand from a chair without help, never being able to sit in the floor, etc.  So I saw my oncologist last week and told him I thought I was doing great.  I told him the hot flashes were manageable, and I was feeling better than I had in a long time.  He asked if I was having any overall problems, and I told him about my knees.  He told me it was the medicine.  I couldn't believe it.  I even went to a bone and joint doctor to be positive.  They did x-rays and told me my knees looked great.  So it is definitely the medicine.  My doctor told me that if I didn't come off of it, it would continually get worse, and I suddenly saw myself in a wheelchair.  I have to admit that I was frustrated.  I felt too young for this.  I felt, again, like this was a never-ending road.  I have come off the medicine and am in what they call a "wash-out" period.  I will stay off of it for two weeks and see if my knees get better.  If they do, I will have to try another medicine.  My knees are already better.  Please pray that the next medicine will work.  I had a hysterectomy in order to take these medicines, so please pray the next one works.  I feel like I am running out of options.  Taking no medicine is not an option.  I just can't take the risk. 

So while on this feeling of a never-ending road, this shooting in Sandy Hook happened.  I couldn't sleep because I was, and still am, grieving for those families.  And, I am so humbled each time I go into my oncologist's office.  It is such a reminder of where I've been, where I am, where I could be, where I'm going.....  So many things go through my mind when I'm there.  One thing is how thankful I am that God is helping me through this breast cancer journey.  Another is how much I have to be thankful for, and none of it is material.  But if I'm not careful, worry takes over for me.  I worried on Monday about dropping my own boys off at school.  I go down the "what if" road...what if this medicine doesn't work....what if I have to live with this pain....what if I eventually need a wheelchair...and on and on.  I have been asking God to give me a word, to just speak to me and let me hear Him.  Today He took me to Matthew 6:34 that says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (NKJ).  I read a devotion from Max Lucado on this that said when we look to the future and think "I can't handle that", we really can't handle that today; but when the time comes for us to handle it, God will supply our strength for that day.  For me, this goes right back to the beginning of my journey when God was showing me how to live one day at a time because I couldn't look far into the future without being overwhelmed.  I didn't have the strength back then to deal with what I'm dealing with today.  But today, God gave me the strength I needed in Matthew 6:34.  I only need to handle today what is in today.  That's also given me comfort and solace for the people in Connecticut.  I know God is there for them giving them the strength and mercy and grace and love they need.  I know because this entire world has been hurt by this and there are more prayers going up for this than we can even imagine.  What I need to remind myself of is that God is always listening to our prayers.  He is there standing ready to hand out our strength every morning.  I am learning not to ask for the strength I might need next week because that might not even come to pass.  But if it does, God will be there that morning to hand me my strength to get through it with Him.  What an awesome God we serve!  So, today, I just ask for prayer that my knees feel better.  When I need the strength to handle the new medicine, it will be there.  I pray for you, too, that you will handle today and only today, for God's strength is sufficient when the time is right.  Today is here and if we are too busy worrying about what's ahead, we miss what's here right now.  I don't want to do that!  I guarantee it'll be something spectacular when it's of God!

I love you all,
Kacey 

Under His Wing

Hello to everyone!  It seems my heart is heavy and there's much to share today.  I want to first say that I thank you all so much for reading this blog and for encouraging me.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I did like most people do when they are facing such a big trial...I asked "what am I going to do?"  I told the Lord that I would do what He wanted me to do and I would share the story of what He does for me and shows me.  It's been a long year - a rough year when I look back.  But I never can get to the point of regret.  I feel His leading me to share my thoughts and fears and be as real and open as I can be, even if to help only one person.  I have to thank Mr. Bob for encouraging me this last week.  I am not all that confident when it comes to being such an open book, but he encouraged me this week to keep on trying.  He says I help him and by saying that, he helps me.  That's what I mostly want to share today.  See, God revealed to me this morning that life is about people and making sure people know who He is.  That's what our jobs are as Christians, right?  To share God and what He's done for all of us so that we may have eternal life with Him in heaven to praise Him?  It's also our jobs to lift each other up, to pray for one another.  There's a family that's had a terrible tragedy happen to them.  I found out through facebook and now I'm praying so hard for that family.  I don't know them and they don't know me.  Yet, this morning I was in my car weeping and praying for them.  I know that you all have done that for me.  I know my name has been lifted up before our Father by people I don't even know.  That's amazing to me!  I am so humbled by it...convicted by it...set on fire by it!  Psalm 91:1-2 says "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust".  Isn't that wonderful, that we can dwell in the shadow of the Almighty?!  I know I've said before that my favorite place to be is under the wings of God.  It's so true.  But when you are under the wings of God and you're being prayed for and lifted up before His throne, there's nothing like it!  I could literally feel the brush of His wings and the hug of His arms encircling me.  I still feel it!  Psalm 57:1 says "in the shadow of your wings I will make my refuge until these calamities have passed by."  Praise the Lord!  That's what I love - I'm gonna just sit right here in the shadow of your wings, Lord, until this trial passes me by.  Wow!  I have had so many people come into my life in a special way.  If you're reading this, you're one of them.  You have blessed me and given me hope and encouragement.  And when I think about where I've been and the fact that I don't know what tomorrow holds, it is the most comforting thing to know that God knows.  He's got my back...He's got your back, too.  He never leaves us or forsakes us, and He hurts when we hurt.  I think about my boys and how I feel when they're sick.  I do everything in my own power to make them better.  Well, that's what God is doing for us...in His own way and in His own time, for His own purpose.  That's hard when it doesn't happen the way we thought or as quickly as we want, but there's a reason.  God tells us so in His word.  Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He has a plan for us, and the plan is not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future.  Our future goes all the way into eternity, and that's our hope.  I am overflowing today with gratitude, because when I faced days where I couldn't pray, or where I didn't know what to say or do because fear got the best of me, you were there carrying me and lifting me up in prayer.  God heard you.  I think one of the most amazing things God gives us as Christians is the ability to pray for one another.  I never realized until this last year what it really meant and how it really felt to hear someone say "I'm praying for you".  I want you to know that I do pray for you.  I've been asking God to let me hear Him and see Him more because I can't seem to get enough.  I long to see God everyday, and the thing that He's shown me is that I didn't really have to ask because He's been here the whole time.  Just look for Him and you'll see Him.  His word tells us to be still and know I am God.  It's true, be still and you can feel Him.  He's right beside you, covering you with the shadow of His wing.

I love you all,
Kacey

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  I sit here tonight keenly aware of what's going on in my home.  My kids are playing and laughing.  My husband has been in the kitchen helping me cook and get some things ready for tomorrow.  I smell food in the crock-pot.  I've called my mother a million times to ask her questions about how to cook this and that, only to hear her and my dad laugh because it's the third or fourth time I've asked exactly how long to boil an egg for potato salad.  (A chef I am not.)  I'm thankful that it won't matter tomorrow if it doesn't taste good!  :)  I talk to my sister several times today and hear my sweet niece calling my name in the background.  I love my family and my friends...all of you.  I am thankful for you and how you each enrich my life.  I am thankful for your prayers, lifting me up countless times this last year through breast cancer.  I am thankful most of all for my salvation and the promise of eternal life in Heaven praising His name!

I have a lot to be thankful for.  This last year has been a very eye-opening year for me.  I was awaiting another surgery to remove the rest of the tumor in my breast and some lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread.  I was also awaiting results of some gene testing that would determine my next course of action when it came to my surgery and treatment.  At the time I felt like I was in a fog, just trying to get through, and not noticing what was going on around me.  I had already had one surgery, so I knew what was ahead of me, only this time I already knew I had cancer.  My first surgery was only to remove a benign lump...or so we thought.  I had no idea what kind of treatment I was facing or what my future looked like.  But I did know that God was with me and that He had a plan for me.  He was beginning to teach me to take one day at a time and be thankful for what I had in that moment.  It's a hard thing to do, and I am far from being able to always do it.  I try, though. 

There's a song that I was holding on to at that time that said "it didn't come to stay, it came to pass; the Lord will move that mountain if you ask; the trials that we see today, won't last; because it didn't come to stay, it came to pass".  I realized that suffering is for a time - it doesn't stay forever - it will pass.  What God revealed to me the most during that time is that even if it had been my time to go be with the Lord, my suffering didn't go with me, it would have left me - it would've passed.  I like that.  I like knowing that God puts trials and things in our lives in order to strengthen us and grow our faith, but just hold on because it's for a time such as this.  It will pass.  This last year has passed, and it's been the hardest, yet most rewarding year of my life.  God is teaching me that He is in control and that His word says we are to be thankful no matter our circumstances.  We can find joy and peace and comfort in the Lord no matter what comes our way.  I have been profoundly changed through my journey thus far with breast cancer.  I am trying to see God in all things and share Him and His amazing wonder!  If I could've chosen my road last year, I wouldn't have chosen cancer.  But what's odd and what's God is that I am so very thankful for it.  I would not be the same person as I am today.  I would have missed out on some glorious blessings.  I would've missed out on meeting some of you and getting to know you better.  I would've missed God turning my sorrow into joy, and letting me see His creation in a different way.  I would've missed all the little "sticky notes" God gives us that we normally don't catch, such as a rainbow that's brighter than ever, or a sunset that lights up the sky, or the clouds forming themselves into what looks like angel's wings.  If it had not been for cancer, I wouldn't know God like I do today.  So how can I not be thankful?  I wouldn't trade it.  I wouldn't change it. 

So I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving.  I pray blessings upon each of you, that you may look at your trials with eyes of wonder...eyes of expectancy of what God is about to show you.  I have so much to learn and so many things to work on and improve in my life.  I have so far to go in being what God wants me to be.  But I am so thankful for His grace and mercy and patience.  I thank Him and praise Him for all He's done for me....for giving His life for mine, for giving me my family and friends, for making the sky so wonderfully blue and the sun so extraordinarily bright, and the faces of my children so sweet and precious.  We have a lot to be thankful for; we just need to look around and not miss it.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Love,
Kacey

The Flower and the Weed

When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel great.  My body feels tired and worn out, like I just want to pull the covers up over my head and stay in bed.  However, for a mom of two boys and a wife, that's usually not possible.  So I'm up getting ready for the day, it's raining outside and cold, and I feel just like it looks outside.  Before I have a chance to even talk to God about it, though, something happens.  I'm at my kitchen sink and notice these two little green, dried up, weed looking things.  At first I think, what is this?  Then it hits me as I look over at Jonah (my six year old), and I remember...Friday when I was cleaning out his lunch box I found these two "flowers" and asked him about it.  His response was a shy one...you know the kind...head down, grinning, really proud but not sure if he should be.  I said, "where did you find these?"  He said, "well, I found these two flowers on the playground and picked them for you.  I put them in my lunchbox so no one would see them and they wouldn't get smushed."  Well, of course I cried and showered him with love and thanks.  I left them on the ledge behind the kitchen sink and didn't think anymore about them...until today.  As I'm standing there all sad because I don't feel great, God reminds me - again - that I am so very blessed.  My child picked these flowers for me to make me smile, never caring that they're weeds or that they're limp and dried.  He only wanted to do something for me to make me feel special and let me know he loves me.  He thinks about me when he's at school, and he wasn't ashamed to pick them and bring them home.  God reminded me that that's all He wants from us - no matter how our day starts or how our body feels, He wants us to think about Him and love Him and not be ashamed to show our love for Him, no matter our circumstances. 

One year ago today I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had breast cancer.  My next step was to be tested for a particular gene.  If I carried the gene it could mean my boys, my mom, my sister, my new little niece and any children my sister had in the future would have a greater chance of getting cancer.  It would also mean that the chances of the cancer returning for me where increased tremendously and my treatment plan going forward would be different.  I was supposed to find out that information in a week, and it ended up taking almost 30 days of waiting and agonizing.  I Praise God that I was not a carrier.  Those were the longest days of my life...not knowing whether my family was in jeopardy and not knowing what my next course of action was going to be.

I say all of this to say that God lets us sit and think for a while sometimes so that we may be able to see the flower instead of the weed; that we may be able to see His unconditional love through our children or friends or family.  Last week God revealed to me how wonderful it is to be on the mountain because that's when we get such a beautiful view of the valley from where we've just traveled.  But from the valley we get to see the beauty of the mountaintop and know there is hope in God and His love and His promises.  Today, God allowed me to see that there's beauty not only in the flowers, but also in the weeds, for God loves me and you on days when we're blossoming and beautiful just as much as He does on days when we're tired and spent and weary, like the lonesome weed.  I couldn't tell the difference today between the flower and the weed, I just saw the love and the beauty of my child.  That's what God sees when He sees us.  God is good!  God is amazing!  Look for Him and you'll find Him...He's everywhere.

I love you all,
Kacey Douglas

Celebrate!!

Wow!!  One year....gone!  What am I talking about?  One year ago today I had a lump removed from my left breast that we thought was benign.  Unfortunately, three days later we found out it was cancer.  I say unfortunately, but looking back on the last year, I'm not sure that's the right word to use.  There are so many things that God has done for me in this last year.  I plan on sharing them with you, but today I want to celebrate with you.  I looked back at my journal from one year ago and I can still feel that same feeling in the pit of my stomach - the feeling of dread and uncertainty and fear and worry and on and on.....  But I also remember a feeling of peace.  The peace of God that surpasses all understanding is what I had.  I knew in that moment He had a plan for me and work for me to do, and I believe that work is sharing Him and who He is.  He's my Savior, my fortress, my light, my shield, my strength, my hope, the Great Physician!  It doesn't matter what type of illness or cancer you're battling, the symptoms and the cure and the treatment may be different, but the feelings and the emotions and fears and the worries are all the same.  I want you to know that one year ago my life was turned upside-down.  I would say it's pretty much still upside-down, with my "normal" now being quite different.  BUT...God turned it upside down and He's shown me things I could've only hoped to see and experience while on this earth.  I've seen Him in all His majesty and glory and beauty.  I look at my family differently because I see how God made them and the gifts given to them in order to endure this journey with me.  I look at the sky and it seems bluer and brighter.  The birds seem louder.  The cold seems crisper.  I have a smile on my face because I can't contain what God has done.  I've seen it snow....for only a moment....for only me.  I've seen the moon in a sunny bright sky shining with a glow that was blinding.  That was God.  Don't misunderstand, I've had many dark days filled with questions and fear and worry.  That's normal.  But the one thing that I held on to that I don't want you to miss if you are going through an illness or have a loved one going through something life-changing is that God is there.  His wings and His arms are open wide waiting for you to step inside so He can lead you and walk this journey with you.  Let Him.  He tells us that He will walk behind us, before us and beside us.  I'm here starting this blog to let you know He means it.

Today I got a good report.  No cancer!  The doctor says I'm doing great!  I praise the Lord for that!  I feel like I have a new beginning, a fresh start.  This is for today.  We don't know what tomorrow holds, but today I am holding on to the steady hands of Jesus.  He's tried to teach me what the Bible says about living one day at a time.  It's hard and I'm not always able to do that.  It's hard not to look down the road and ask the "what if's".  But for today, I'm looking at today. 

Thank you for sharing this celebratory day with me.  I will write and let you get to know me (if you don't already) better and share my story.  I hope through this process you will ALWAYS be able to see God.  He's the reason I'm here.  Without God I would not be able to sit here and share my experience with you.  I know because He has touched my life and blessed me in ways I cannot count.  I want to use what He has done for me to bless and encourage you. 

I have many favorite verses that I cling to.  I want to share one that has gotten me through so many days...Joshua 1:9 says:  "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  He was there one year ago when I was diagnosed and He's here today celebrating with me.  So hold on...He's beside you wherever you go!

Love,
Kacey