One Red Rose

Have you ever had a breaking point...a time when you thought everything was going along just fine and then something little happens in your day to put you in a tailspin of emotion?  Well, for me, that day was today.  It hasn't been the first through this journey, but it's been a while.  The latest news this week is that the MRI did NOT show the ovary that was missed during surgery.  I prayed so hard that it would show up because I knew that, in human terms, everything would get complicated if it didn't.  So when I was told this news, I had a rough day, but went to see my surgeon and we now have a plan.  The first step is an injection that shuts down production of the ovaries.  If my estrogen level falls dramatically this means there is indeed an ovary, it just can't be seen.  What we do from that moment, I'm not sure.  I'm back to trying to take things one step and one day at a time. 

You would think this would have been the day I would have had my emotional breakdown, but it wasn't.  What happened on this day was that I just felt "stuck".  What I mean by "stuck" is that it seemed as if I had lost all ability to pray.  I knew in my mind that there had been so much prayer for this MRI that obviously it wasn't in God's will for it to be seen yet.  I also knew, and had asked Him, that whatever His will, to let it be done because I wanted to be on whatever road God wanted me on.  I was upset that it couldn't be seen, but I was not at the point of thinking that God hadn't answered my prayer.  I did, and still do, wholeheartedly believe that this was where I was supposed to be.  But I couldn't pray.  I couldn't say that to Him.  I couldn't find the words to fit all of the emotions in my head and in my heart.  Some emotions were good and some were of frustration and some were of wonder, but I could not find a way to talk to Him.  I was letting my feelings of weariness win out over my ability to just talk to my Heavenly Father. 

But God didn't move.  He sat there and waited on me...patiently, lovingly, kindly...knowing all along I would get to a point where I had no place to go except to Him.  That time came today...eight days after the MRI...five days after the results.  I woke up fine.  I felt good.  My family felt good.  Alan and the boys left to go play basketball at the rec center.  I was alone and had all these grand plans for the time I was going to have alone.  I got in the shower.....and fell apart.  You couldn't tell whether it was the water running down my face or my tears.  I just crumbled.  I have cried out to God before, but I don't think I've literally "cried out" to God before today.  I may have been heard outside, but I didn't care - I didn't even notice.  I think it's been one of the few times that I've actually just let my emotions go and told God every single one of them.  I told Him about my frustration and why.  I told Him I was angry and why I was angry and how I was worried about my anger and how I didn't want to sin in my anger.  I cried about my feelings being hurt by doctors, not because of the mistakes that have been made, but about how I've been forgotten.  I told Him I sometimes feel so very tired of fighting.  I told Him I was scared because this next leg of the journey seemed unstable.  I would like you to know that I truly am not upset about the road I'm on.  I know God has me here for a reason.  But today I think that the last few weeks came crashing down.  I told Him that the unknown is scary... because it is.  I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and I know that He has everything under control and in His hands.  But my lack of communication with Him over the last week or so crashed and crumbled and fell apart at the feet of Jesus in my shower.  I was able to let it go and talk to Him like I should have done days ago, and by doing so, I was again in His presence feeling the peace that only He can bring.  I realized that the only thing I had really talked to Jesus about were my emotions.  I didn't ask Him to just fix my problems and make them all go away.  But I did ask Him to bring me back to Him.  I cried out to my Heavenly Daddy and asked Him to put his arms around me and hold me in His lap as His child.  Because you see, God had never moved.  It was me all along.  I moved.  I ran.  I hid.  I am the one that got stuck.  Not Jesus.  Never Jesus.  He did just what I asked Him to do.  He dried my tears.  He held me.  He listened to why I am so brokenhearted.  Psalm 147:3-6 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name.  Great is our Lord, and mighty in power, His understanding is infinite.  The Lord lifts up the humble.." (NKJV) 

Last summer we decided to redo our flower gardens around our house.  We decided to plant roses, and in honor of the journey of breast cancer, we planted all pink roses.  Just the other day I was outside and noticed that among all those pink rose bushes was a single red bloom on one of them.  One single red bloom on a big, pink rose bush, all alone.  Precious Jesus reminded me of this rose today.  I went to His word because I didn't think there was any significance to roses, but this is what I found.  Song of Solomon 2:1 says, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys."  (NKJV)  I loved this because I've talked so much about how the valley is so very beautiful because of the lilies.  Then Isaiah 35:1-2 says, "...And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose; It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice, even with joy and singing." (NKJV)  Wow!  This was so significant to me because if you know me, you know how much I talk about the different places God puts us in and the beauty He gives us while we're there.  The desert is one of those places and that's where I feel like I am, but this verse tells us that He provides beauty for us wherever we are and we are supposed to rejoice, not just smile, but rejoice with singing!  I didn't know when I first saw this rose why I was so drawn to it.  But today, God reminded me of that single red rose and I felt so special.  So I rejoiced and I sang!  I smiled and thanked God for the rose and for reminding me of it today.  I thanked Him for making me feel special when no one else could at that moment.  I thanked Him for never moving and for waiting on me and for listening to me and for letting me cry out to Him.   I thank Him because He knows how we're going to feel whether it's on the mountain or in the desert, so He puts beauty there to remind us that He's always in our presence.  The Bible says that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches.  I smile because one single red rose bloom in the midst of hundreds of pink ones is not really alone, but connected by the vine.  It is special and loved and cared for and never, ever left behind.

I love you all,
Kacey