78 Days

Be still and know that I am God...

Psalm 46:10

78 days. 78 days to break. 78 days to fall on my face in utter desperation to the Lord. 78 days from a second breast cancer diagnosis to truly realize how finite and precious and fragile life really is. 78 days to bring my broken, battered, scarred, battle-weary body and mind to the feet of Jesus. I lay there raw and exposed and grasping for the hem of His garment. For it was there, and only there,that I longed to be. But I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel Him.I couldn’t hear Him. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My mind was so far in the throes of a spiritual battle I couldn’t see how irrational I was being. I kept calling for God. I kept asking Him where He was. I kept trying to find that peace that only He can give. The harder I tried, the worse I felt, and the deeper into the pit I fell. My face was wet and covered in tears that would not stop flowing. My life flashed like a movie reel in my mind. I cried out to God, “I’m not ready to go! I’ve got more things to do! I need more time here! I want to do more for You! I need to tell others about you! I don’t want to leave my family! Please don’t take me yet!” I was inconsolable and nothing I did or said seemed to release me from the grips of this desolate, lonely place.

Let me back up for just a minute. 78 days prior to this day, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time. Within these 78 days I learned that it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The doctors told me the tumor was contained inside the duct wall, but it wasn’t. They told me I would not need chemo and then a week later said I would. A week after that, they again said chemo would not be necessary. You see, I have been on a constant roller-coaster ride for the last 78 days, and I cannot get off. I couldn’t stop it. After the doctors realized that the tumor had come outside the duct wall, they needed to check the lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. Instead of putting me through another surgery, they opted to have me do a CT scan instead. It was less invasive, they said. It was, indeed, less invasive to my body, but not to my mind. See, the CT scan came back and said the lymph nodes looked great, but some other “findings” were seen that were “inconclusive”. There were several spots on my spine that needed further testing. They told me it could be arthritis, or age, or any number of things, but I also know that breast cancer can spread to the bones. Fast forward to two days ago, 78 days from my diagnosis. I woke up that morning, two days after the CT results, in extreme back pain. I panicked. I lost all rational thought. Because of what this report said about these “findings”, I started the dreaded Google search and shouldn’t have done that. I went down a very dark road. That’s when all the things I described above happened. That’s where I found myself in the grips of the hardest spiritual battle I’ve ever faced.

But God! I couldn’t see it right in the moment, but God was there the whole time. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” In my heart I knew this. My mind was a different thing. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I was the one he was trying to devour, and he thought he was going to get away with it. But James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” I know that morning the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to call an orthopedic doctor to get some x-rays of my back. I called crying and desperate, and the sweet lady on the other end of the line heard my despair and got me an appointment that afternoon. My mom and I went to that appointment and, I’ll be honest, it didn’t go well at the start. The two people I saw first seemed distracted and unfriendly at a time when I needed someone to have compassion. They took me back for x-rays and then we waited. There wasn’t much conversation between me and Momma. I think we were both praying. But after the rough start of the appointment, the door opened, and this woman walked in. It was as if she brought a bright light in with her. She was totally surrounded in light, and I was instantly at ease. She told me the x-rays looked good. She saw no signs of cancer. She went on to explain why and what she thought was going on with my back. I broke down again. Right in the office. I almost fell to my knees. I’m having an MRI next Wednesday to be reassured, and I have a PET scan on Thursday to check things over on a deeper level. 

I say all of this because I needed to paint the picture of where I was in order to show you where I went. You see, today, at this moment, I still don’t have conclusive results. But I don’t believe in coincidences, and I ran across a preacher who was talking about trust. He was saying that we either trust God or we don’t. We either have faith or we don’t. His exact words were, “If you’re desperately searching for absolute certainty in a situation, that certainty has become an idol in your life, because you either trust God or you don’t.” Ok. I hear you, Lord. He was there. He was speaking to me. He was asking me to trust Him. God is so many things. He’s love and compassion and mercy and grace and just and so much more, but He’s also a gentleman. He wasn’t making me trust Him. He was asking me. He was telling me that I don’t need absolute certainty. I need Him. He knows my heart. Lamentations 2:19 says, “Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!” That’s what I did. I spent a lot of time with Him pouring out my heart. I apologized for wondering where He was. He was there. I said I was sorry that I kept looking and couldn’t seem to find Him. He has been showing me His presence all along. I repented of the idol of certainty that I was carrying and the fear that went along with it. I know He forgave me because His word says He does. Proverbs 18:10 says, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it, and are safe.” I ran to Him, and I found Him, and I was safe.

So I sit here today without certainty of test results. I am thankful that He led me to the doctor for x-rays. But I choose to trust God in the waiting. I choose to keep my eyes focused on Him. It’s not easy. He never said it would be. But with Him, it’s possible. Isaiah 40:13 says, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.” Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say wait.” See, the waiting is the hardest part. It’s where we sit with the unknown. It’s when the devil sneaks in and tries to steal our joy. Two days ago, he thought he had me. But he doesn’t know the depth of my love for the Lord. He must not understand that he cannot have me because I am a child of God, a princess, an heir to the throne. I’m bought and paid for for all of eternity. The Bible tells us that the mere mention of the name of Jesus makes Satan flee. So right now, in the waiting, I say Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. 

78 days in this journey so far. I’ve been scarred and beaten down and broken. But I will stand. Micah 7:8 is a favorite verse of mine that says, “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” So, yes, I fell. But I rose. I sit and wait in the light of the Lord. And I trust.

I love you all,
Kacey

When He Speaks

 The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.     Exodus 14:14

I don't know where to begin today. I could start by saying that I'm struggling, that I'm full of dread, that I'm scared and distracted, but that would only be part of this story. You see, I'm learning that I can be struggling and overcoming at the same time. I can be full of dread and full of hope with the same breath. I can be scared and distracted while being at peace and in focus. It's been almost four weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Again. Yes, this is my second time around with this ugly disease. I have so much to share about God's timing and His glory that it's going to take a few more blogs to cover it all. But today, I just want to talk about His peace. 

I had a routine mammogram on July 10, 2024. I usually see the same girl because she walked this journey with me last time, as well as with my mom before me. She wasn't there on this day, so I had a new lady. She was sweet, but she didn't know me and she knew nothing of my history, so it was all very medical and nothing personal. She took the pictures and had me wait in this little interior waiting room only to return and say more pictures were needed. She took the second set of pictures, and I waited once again. The third time she came and got me and led me into the same room, I asked why we had to take so many pictures. She told me then that the radiologist would be in to see me in a few minutes. Now, having been down this road before, you never want to hear that the radiologist wants to see you. My heart sank. He came in and said that something new had shown up on my films and that I needed a biopsy. They couldn't see me until nine days later. Nine. Long. Days. So, I had the biopsy on a Friday, and was scheduled to see my nurse practitioner the following Tuesday. I called their office on Monday and asked if the results were back and they were not. I went on to ask them to please call me if they didn't come in so I didn't have to make a trip to the office for nothing. I didn't get a call so Alan and I went for the appointment. I was so nervous. I couldn't seem to find my peace. I couldn't seem to get a grip. I couldn't relax. My mind was racing in a thousand different directions. The nurse came in and the results were not in. I'll be honest and say that I was upset. She apologized and said she would call me. It took two more days. So from the news that something suspicious had been seen until I actually got the news that it was cancer took 15 days. Why am I telling you all of this? Because, yes, I want you to know what those 15 days were like, but I want you to understand what God can do in the waiting. I want to share how you can be stuck somewhere in the middle of not knowing and knowing, and still have peace.

The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:8, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends; with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." (NIV) God's time table is not like our time table. His timing is perfect, even if it seems unbearable to us. As I said earlier, the time that we stay stranded in the middle of not knowing a diagnosis and knowing what we're about to face is so hard. You know what they say - ignorance is bliss. But what I am trying to learn every day is that it's not actually ignorance that we need to find blissful, it's Him - His word, His promises, His love, His presence. I love the Exodus verse above that tells us the Lord will fight for us. We only have to be still and hold on to our peace.

During these 15 days of waiting, I began to seek Him more diligently. I began to search His word. I prayed and cried out to Him. I looked for Him in every part of my day. I praised and worshiped Him through music. Some days I felt so stuck I didn't even know how to pray or what to say. Romans 8:26 says, "Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." This verse is so beautiful to me. Imagine a Holy Spirit that sees us, feels our pain, knows we don't have words, and speaks to the Father on our behalf with the very groanings that we can't communicate. But the beauty of this? God knows! HE knows the words we want to say but can't. HE knows the feelings that wrack our bodies and leaves us breathless with no words. HE knows why we can't speak, but He hears us anyway. That's the most beautiful picture to me. The aching in our hearts are the only words God needs. I find such peace here - in this place - in this place of no words - in this place of groaning - in this place of a wordless abyss. How? Why? Because He hears me anyway. He sees my heart. He hears my heart. Because in this place, I run to Him. We must never run away from Him in times like this. We must always run to Him, to the place of refuge and safety and peace. It's there. It's where He is that peace will be found, and that's what I did. I ran to Him. There's a song called When He Speaks that I've clung to over the last several weeks. One line says, "I look for a safe place to run and hide", and that's what I did, what I'm doing. At night, I just pray for Jesus to hold me, to hide me, to keep me safe under His wing, to cover me as only He can. I find peace there, even in the midst of a storm. A few other lines in this song say, "When He Speaks, I know His voice. When He Speaks, my soul does rejoice. When He speaks, my heart knows no fear. Oh, the peace, when He speaks." I know His voice because I'm His child. I love Him with everything inside me, with every fiber of my being. I want nothing more than to be close to Him. I search for Him and I find Him. Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." He doesn't make it hard to find Him. He's waiting right beside us.

It's been 41 days now since I had my mammogram. It's been 41 days since I knew something was wrong. Much has happened in these 41 days. Two days from now I'll have surgery, a double mastectomy and reconstruction. In two days my body will change. I consider myself sitting in a valley right now, waiting, wondering and hoping, praying, seeking, crying, worshiping, praising. Waiting to see what God's going to do; Wondering and hoping He's going to use me to share His glory;  Praying that all goes well and that others see Him in me; Seeking ways to make my faith stronger; Crying out to my Father in times of desperation; Worshiping Him because He's the God of the valley; and Praising Him for being so Almighty, for loving me so much, for saving me. Yes, the Bible says the Lord will fight for me. I need only to be still. So I'm here. I'm quiet. I'm still. He's gone before me and He's fighting. Oh, there's much beauty in this valley. I need only to be still and enjoy it.

I love you all,

Kacey

He's Making Something New

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

Isaiah 43:18

I wonder how hard it is for God to sit in Heaven on His throne and watch His children go through hard things? I know it's necessary to face hard things because it helps us build up our faith. Still. HE is our Heavenly Father, and He created us, so I bet it's hard. He knows how we're going to respond and how much this hardship is going to change us, but He still has to watch us go through it. The verse above tells us to forget the former things and not dwell in the past. The verse after this one, Isaiah 43:19 says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland". I think He's telling us to keep moving forward, to keep our eyes on Him because He's doing something new for us. He asks us if we perceive it? Do we recognize what He's doing? Do we recognize Him at all? Do we sense His presence? The verse says He's making a way in the wilderness; so we're not out there somewhere lost, without direction, without Him. He's there, making a way. It also says He's making streams in the wastelands. He's there, too, in the impossible - making streams in a place where we see waste. Nothing is lost on God. Nothing is a coincidence. His plan is going to happen and take place because nothing can thwart that plan. He is sovereign and Holy and Lord over all. Still. It's hard. For me. For you. For Him.

I say all of this to bring us to this point because this is something that's been on my heart for years, and I feel like I need to share it. It's just so hard to write. So hard to explain. So hard to understand. But, maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will help you. See, this is about my mother. I've been so blessed to have her. She's a wonderful person, so full of love and grace, and she loves big and she loves hard. She's that person that everyone is drawn to - the one that you just know you can share things with her, and she'll listen and she'll pray. Let me tell you, if she tells you she's going to pray for you, be confident that she means it. Your name is probably written down in a prayer journal that she prays over every day. Every time she and my dad go on vacation, they literally bring home a new phone number of a new family that they've adopted. That's who they are. But you see, her mother and sisters, my grandmother and aunts, have nothing to do with her or us. This roller-coaster ride of a relationship with them has been up and down for more years than I can count. I don't understand it, either. Now, don't misunderstand me, we are not perfect, none of us. But neither are we deserving of being cast away. But she's been cast out of her family, and for years she's tried to put it back together. It just doesn't work. You may be asking why? Well, we've asked the same thing and gotten no answer. There are many, many examples, but far too many to write. But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here today because my grandmother has died. She lived to 97 years old and passed away on December 31st, and there was no reconciliation. I want to talk about Momma.

Momma knew she might one day be in this spot, not knowing what to do, not knowing which road to take, not knowing which direction to go in. She had an opportunity several years ago to have a talk with her mother, and she was able to tell her she loved her. My grandmother met her in that place that day and said some healing things for Momma. However, nothing more came from that. She went on about her life and never reached back out to Momma. So is that closure? I don't know. I guess it may be different for everyone. I think of the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verses 1-8. I won't type all of the verses, only parts, but it says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die....a time to heal....a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...". There's so much to unpack in these verses. God has given us a time for everything from laughing and dancing to mourning and weeping.  A time for breaking down and a time to heal. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. I had to think on that last one for a minute. Maybe He's telling us here that we love, and we embrace and we hold on until He tells us to let go. Let go and Let God. God is in the details! He's in every part of our lives. In all the emotion of the last several days, Momma has had to dig deep and figure out whether to even go to the funeral. Yes, the treatment she's received has been that bad. But, she feels in her heart that she needs to go. And you know what the best part is? God will go with her. Isn't that what He promised? In Hebrews 12:1 it says, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles; and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." So she'll go and run this race. She'll face this hardship. She'll have to throw off everything that hinders and let God move, and she'll run the race set before her. How? With God. Why? Because as He says in Isaiah 43:19, "See, I am doing a new thing!" God is moving within her. He is strengthening her faith. She and my dad will not be alone there because He'll be right there beside them. Deuteronomy 31:8-9 says, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He's already there waiting on her.

Coming from my point of view, it's very difficult to have watched your mother hurt and be entangled in this toxic relationship without any explanation as to why. It would be fixable if there were an answer as to why. Why this treatment? What have I done? An answer to those questions could begin the healing process. But no answers have been given. I lost my grandmother and two aunts long ago. I've grieved them just as Momma has. Does it make today easier? I have to say, for me, a little bit. I lost her long ago. As for my aunts, I still have much to learn about how to move on and grieve for someone who's still alive. I have much to learn about how to continue to pray for someone who has brought such heartache to you and your family. But it all goes back to God's word. He's making something new. He's moving us and growing us and building up our faith. I must admit that in the past when I've tried to write about this, my words have been so full of anger. I distinctly remember one time having an entire blog written about this and right before I hit the button to publish it, it disappeared. I knew that was God. He removed it. Whenever I write, I can usually start to feel Him moving in my heart a few days before I actually sit down to write. Then when I feel ready, I sit down and pray that He speaks through me, that my words will be His words. Today, I am not writing out of anger. I am hurting because Momma is hurting. But I am writing to tell you that if you ever find yourself in this same situation, God is there with you. Seek Him and you will find Him. He may be trying to move you to a different place. He may be trying to strengthen your faith. He may be trying to make you solely dependent upon Him. He may be trying to do something right now in my life or Momma's life or your life that we can't even fathom. But I do know this - whatever it is, it's for our good and His glory. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We must always remember that God will work in our lives as much and as big as we'll let Him. He's a gentleman. He's kind. He will never push. But He will move us and push us if we let Him. We can pray all the time for someone to have a heart change, but unless THEY are willing to let God move inside them, it will not happen. So if you've prayed God will change someone in your life and it hasn't happened, please don't blame God. He heard your prayers. He may have tried to answer your prayers and change them. But they might not have let Him.

So, forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. I can't imagine our God, our Lord and Savior, sitting on His throne watching one of His children go through something hard. I wonder if He cries. I bet He does. I know He holds us in His arms. I know He collects our tears and comforts us. He's in every detail of our lives. So for Momma and for you, hang on to His hand and He will lead you, and be prepared for what He has in store for you because I have a feeling it's gonna be great. Faith moves mountains, and when He builds our faith, and we let Him, I believe He smiles. He loves us that much. He loves you, too, if you're facing this today. He loves you, too, Momma, and so do I.

I love you all,

Kacey