The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14
I don't know where to begin today. I could start by saying that I'm struggling, that I'm full of dread, that I'm scared and distracted, but that would only be part of this story. You see, I'm learning that I can be struggling and overcoming at the same time. I can be full of dread and full of hope with the same breath. I can be scared and distracted while being at peace and in focus. It's been almost four weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Again. Yes, this is my second time around with this ugly disease. I have so much to share about God's timing and His glory that it's going to take a few more blogs to cover it all. But today, I just want to talk about His peace.
I had a routine mammogram on July 10, 2024. I usually see the same girl because she walked this journey with me last time, as well as with my mom before me. She wasn't there on this day, so I had a new lady. She was sweet, but she didn't know me and she knew nothing of my history, so it was all very medical and nothing personal. She took the pictures and had me wait in this little interior waiting room only to return and say more pictures were needed. She took the second set of pictures, and I waited once again. The third time she came and got me and led me into the same room, I asked why we had to take so many pictures. She told me then that the radiologist would be in to see me in a few minutes. Now, having been down this road before, you never want to hear that the radiologist wants to see you. My heart sank. He came in and said that something new had shown up on my films and that I needed a biopsy. They couldn't see me until nine days later. Nine. Long. Days. So, I had the biopsy on a Friday, and was scheduled to see my nurse practitioner the following Tuesday. I called their office on Monday and asked if the results were back and they were not. I went on to ask them to please call me if they didn't come in so I didn't have to make a trip to the office for nothing. I didn't get a call so Alan and I went for the appointment. I was so nervous. I couldn't seem to find my peace. I couldn't seem to get a grip. I couldn't relax. My mind was racing in a thousand different directions. The nurse came in and the results were not in. I'll be honest and say that I was upset. She apologized and said she would call me. It took two more days. So from the news that something suspicious had been seen until I actually got the news that it was cancer took 15 days. Why am I telling you all of this? Because, yes, I want you to know what those 15 days were like, but I want you to understand what God can do in the waiting. I want to share how you can be stuck somewhere in the middle of not knowing and knowing, and still have peace.
The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:8, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends; with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." (NIV) God's time table is not like our time table. His timing is perfect, even if it seems unbearable to us. As I said earlier, the time that we stay stranded in the middle of not knowing a diagnosis and knowing what we're about to face is so hard. You know what they say - ignorance is bliss. But what I am trying to learn every day is that it's not actually ignorance that we need to find blissful, it's Him - His word, His promises, His love, His presence. I love the Exodus verse above that tells us the Lord will fight for us. We only have to be still and hold on to our peace.
During these 15 days of waiting, I began to seek Him more diligently. I began to search His word. I prayed and cried out to Him. I looked for Him in every part of my day. I praised and worshiped Him through music. Some days I felt so stuck I didn't even know how to pray or what to say. Romans 8:26 says, "Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." This verse is so beautiful to me. Imagine a Holy Spirit that sees us, feels our pain, knows we don't have words, and speaks to the Father on our behalf with the very groanings that we can't communicate. But the beauty of this? God knows! HE knows the words we want to say but can't. HE knows the feelings that wrack our bodies and leaves us breathless with no words. HE knows why we can't speak, but He hears us anyway. That's the most beautiful picture to me. The aching in our hearts are the only words God needs. I find such peace here - in this place - in this place of no words - in this place of groaning - in this place of a wordless abyss. How? Why? Because He hears me anyway. He sees my heart. He hears my heart. Because in this place, I run to Him. We must never run away from Him in times like this. We must always run to Him, to the place of refuge and safety and peace. It's there. It's where He is that peace will be found, and that's what I did. I ran to Him. There's a song called When He Speaks that I've clung to over the last several weeks. One line says, "I look for a safe place to run and hide", and that's what I did, what I'm doing. At night, I just pray for Jesus to hold me, to hide me, to keep me safe under His wing, to cover me as only He can. I find peace there, even in the midst of a storm. A few other lines in this song say, "When He Speaks, I know His voice. When He Speaks, my soul does rejoice. When He speaks, my heart knows no fear. Oh, the peace, when He speaks." I know His voice because I'm His child. I love Him with everything inside me, with every fiber of my being. I want nothing more than to be close to Him. I search for Him and I find Him. Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." He doesn't make it hard to find Him. He's waiting right beside us.
It's been 41 days now since I had my mammogram. It's been 41 days since I knew something was wrong. Much has happened in these 41 days. Two days from now I'll have surgery, a double mastectomy and reconstruction. In two days my body will change. I consider myself sitting in a valley right now, waiting, wondering and hoping, praying, seeking, crying, worshiping, praising. Waiting to see what God's going to do; Wondering and hoping He's going to use me to share His glory; Praying that all goes well and that others see Him in me; Seeking ways to make my faith stronger; Crying out to my Father in times of desperation; Worshiping Him because He's the God of the valley; and Praising Him for being so Almighty, for loving me so much, for saving me. Yes, the Bible says the Lord will fight for me. I need only to be still. So I'm here. I'm quiet. I'm still. He's gone before me and He's fighting. Oh, there's much beauty in this valley. I need only to be still and enjoy it.
I love you all,
Kacey
