78 Days

Be still and know that I am God...

Psalm 46:10

78 days. 78 days to break. 78 days to fall on my face in utter desperation to the Lord. 78 days from a second breast cancer diagnosis to truly realize how finite and precious and fragile life really is. 78 days to bring my broken, battered, scarred, battle-weary body and mind to the feet of Jesus. I lay there raw and exposed and grasping for the hem of His garment. For it was there, and only there,that I longed to be. But I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel Him.I couldn’t hear Him. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My mind was so far in the throes of a spiritual battle I couldn’t see how irrational I was being. I kept calling for God. I kept asking Him where He was. I kept trying to find that peace that only He can give. The harder I tried, the worse I felt, and the deeper into the pit I fell. My face was wet and covered in tears that would not stop flowing. My life flashed like a movie reel in my mind. I cried out to God, “I’m not ready to go! I’ve got more things to do! I need more time here! I want to do more for You! I need to tell others about you! I don’t want to leave my family! Please don’t take me yet!” I was inconsolable and nothing I did or said seemed to release me from the grips of this desolate, lonely place.

Let me back up for just a minute. 78 days prior to this day, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time. Within these 78 days I learned that it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The doctors told me the tumor was contained inside the duct wall, but it wasn’t. They told me I would not need chemo and then a week later said I would. A week after that, they again said chemo would not be necessary. You see, I have been on a constant roller-coaster ride for the last 78 days, and I cannot get off. I couldn’t stop it. After the doctors realized that the tumor had come outside the duct wall, they needed to check the lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. Instead of putting me through another surgery, they opted to have me do a CT scan instead. It was less invasive, they said. It was, indeed, less invasive to my body, but not to my mind. See, the CT scan came back and said the lymph nodes looked great, but some other “findings” were seen that were “inconclusive”. There were several spots on my spine that needed further testing. They told me it could be arthritis, or age, or any number of things, but I also know that breast cancer can spread to the bones. Fast forward to two days ago, 78 days from my diagnosis. I woke up that morning, two days after the CT results, in extreme back pain. I panicked. I lost all rational thought. Because of what this report said about these “findings”, I started the dreaded Google search and shouldn’t have done that. I went down a very dark road. That’s when all the things I described above happened. That’s where I found myself in the grips of the hardest spiritual battle I’ve ever faced.

But God! I couldn’t see it right in the moment, but God was there the whole time. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” In my heart I knew this. My mind was a different thing. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I was the one he was trying to devour, and he thought he was going to get away with it. But James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” I know that morning the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to call an orthopedic doctor to get some x-rays of my back. I called crying and desperate, and the sweet lady on the other end of the line heard my despair and got me an appointment that afternoon. My mom and I went to that appointment and, I’ll be honest, it didn’t go well at the start. The two people I saw first seemed distracted and unfriendly at a time when I needed someone to have compassion. They took me back for x-rays and then we waited. There wasn’t much conversation between me and Momma. I think we were both praying. But after the rough start of the appointment, the door opened, and this woman walked in. It was as if she brought a bright light in with her. She was totally surrounded in light, and I was instantly at ease. She told me the x-rays looked good. She saw no signs of cancer. She went on to explain why and what she thought was going on with my back. I broke down again. Right in the office. I almost fell to my knees. I’m having an MRI next Wednesday to be reassured, and I have a PET scan on Thursday to check things over on a deeper level. 

I say all of this because I needed to paint the picture of where I was in order to show you where I went. You see, today, at this moment, I still don’t have conclusive results. But I don’t believe in coincidences, and I ran across a preacher who was talking about trust. He was saying that we either trust God or we don’t. We either have faith or we don’t. His exact words were, “If you’re desperately searching for absolute certainty in a situation, that certainty has become an idol in your life, because you either trust God or you don’t.” Ok. I hear you, Lord. He was there. He was speaking to me. He was asking me to trust Him. God is so many things. He’s love and compassion and mercy and grace and just and so much more, but He’s also a gentleman. He wasn’t making me trust Him. He was asking me. He was telling me that I don’t need absolute certainty. I need Him. He knows my heart. Lamentations 2:19 says, “Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!” That’s what I did. I spent a lot of time with Him pouring out my heart. I apologized for wondering where He was. He was there. I said I was sorry that I kept looking and couldn’t seem to find Him. He has been showing me His presence all along. I repented of the idol of certainty that I was carrying and the fear that went along with it. I know He forgave me because His word says He does. Proverbs 18:10 says, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it, and are safe.” I ran to Him, and I found Him, and I was safe.

So I sit here today without certainty of test results. I am thankful that He led me to the doctor for x-rays. But I choose to trust God in the waiting. I choose to keep my eyes focused on Him. It’s not easy. He never said it would be. But with Him, it’s possible. Isaiah 40:13 says, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.” Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say wait.” See, the waiting is the hardest part. It’s where we sit with the unknown. It’s when the devil sneaks in and tries to steal our joy. Two days ago, he thought he had me. But he doesn’t know the depth of my love for the Lord. He must not understand that he cannot have me because I am a child of God, a princess, an heir to the throne. I’m bought and paid for for all of eternity. The Bible tells us that the mere mention of the name of Jesus makes Satan flee. So right now, in the waiting, I say Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. 

78 days in this journey so far. I’ve been scarred and beaten down and broken. But I will stand. Micah 7:8 is a favorite verse of mine that says, “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” So, yes, I fell. But I rose. I sit and wait in the light of the Lord. And I trust.

I love you all,
Kacey

When He Speaks

 The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.     Exodus 14:14

I don't know where to begin today. I could start by saying that I'm struggling, that I'm full of dread, that I'm scared and distracted, but that would only be part of this story. You see, I'm learning that I can be struggling and overcoming at the same time. I can be full of dread and full of hope with the same breath. I can be scared and distracted while being at peace and in focus. It's been almost four weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Again. Yes, this is my second time around with this ugly disease. I have so much to share about God's timing and His glory that it's going to take a few more blogs to cover it all. But today, I just want to talk about His peace. 

I had a routine mammogram on July 10, 2024. I usually see the same girl because she walked this journey with me last time, as well as with my mom before me. She wasn't there on this day, so I had a new lady. She was sweet, but she didn't know me and she knew nothing of my history, so it was all very medical and nothing personal. She took the pictures and had me wait in this little interior waiting room only to return and say more pictures were needed. She took the second set of pictures, and I waited once again. The third time she came and got me and led me into the same room, I asked why we had to take so many pictures. She told me then that the radiologist would be in to see me in a few minutes. Now, having been down this road before, you never want to hear that the radiologist wants to see you. My heart sank. He came in and said that something new had shown up on my films and that I needed a biopsy. They couldn't see me until nine days later. Nine. Long. Days. So, I had the biopsy on a Friday, and was scheduled to see my nurse practitioner the following Tuesday. I called their office on Monday and asked if the results were back and they were not. I went on to ask them to please call me if they didn't come in so I didn't have to make a trip to the office for nothing. I didn't get a call so Alan and I went for the appointment. I was so nervous. I couldn't seem to find my peace. I couldn't seem to get a grip. I couldn't relax. My mind was racing in a thousand different directions. The nurse came in and the results were not in. I'll be honest and say that I was upset. She apologized and said she would call me. It took two more days. So from the news that something suspicious had been seen until I actually got the news that it was cancer took 15 days. Why am I telling you all of this? Because, yes, I want you to know what those 15 days were like, but I want you to understand what God can do in the waiting. I want to share how you can be stuck somewhere in the middle of not knowing and knowing, and still have peace.

The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:8, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends; with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." (NIV) God's time table is not like our time table. His timing is perfect, even if it seems unbearable to us. As I said earlier, the time that we stay stranded in the middle of not knowing a diagnosis and knowing what we're about to face is so hard. You know what they say - ignorance is bliss. But what I am trying to learn every day is that it's not actually ignorance that we need to find blissful, it's Him - His word, His promises, His love, His presence. I love the Exodus verse above that tells us the Lord will fight for us. We only have to be still and hold on to our peace.

During these 15 days of waiting, I began to seek Him more diligently. I began to search His word. I prayed and cried out to Him. I looked for Him in every part of my day. I praised and worshiped Him through music. Some days I felt so stuck I didn't even know how to pray or what to say. Romans 8:26 says, "Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." This verse is so beautiful to me. Imagine a Holy Spirit that sees us, feels our pain, knows we don't have words, and speaks to the Father on our behalf with the very groanings that we can't communicate. But the beauty of this? God knows! HE knows the words we want to say but can't. HE knows the feelings that wrack our bodies and leaves us breathless with no words. HE knows why we can't speak, but He hears us anyway. That's the most beautiful picture to me. The aching in our hearts are the only words God needs. I find such peace here - in this place - in this place of no words - in this place of groaning - in this place of a wordless abyss. How? Why? Because He hears me anyway. He sees my heart. He hears my heart. Because in this place, I run to Him. We must never run away from Him in times like this. We must always run to Him, to the place of refuge and safety and peace. It's there. It's where He is that peace will be found, and that's what I did. I ran to Him. There's a song called When He Speaks that I've clung to over the last several weeks. One line says, "I look for a safe place to run and hide", and that's what I did, what I'm doing. At night, I just pray for Jesus to hold me, to hide me, to keep me safe under His wing, to cover me as only He can. I find peace there, even in the midst of a storm. A few other lines in this song say, "When He Speaks, I know His voice. When He Speaks, my soul does rejoice. When He speaks, my heart knows no fear. Oh, the peace, when He speaks." I know His voice because I'm His child. I love Him with everything inside me, with every fiber of my being. I want nothing more than to be close to Him. I search for Him and I find Him. Deuteronomy 4:29 says, "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." He doesn't make it hard to find Him. He's waiting right beside us.

It's been 41 days now since I had my mammogram. It's been 41 days since I knew something was wrong. Much has happened in these 41 days. Two days from now I'll have surgery, a double mastectomy and reconstruction. In two days my body will change. I consider myself sitting in a valley right now, waiting, wondering and hoping, praying, seeking, crying, worshiping, praising. Waiting to see what God's going to do; Wondering and hoping He's going to use me to share His glory;  Praying that all goes well and that others see Him in me; Seeking ways to make my faith stronger; Crying out to my Father in times of desperation; Worshiping Him because He's the God of the valley; and Praising Him for being so Almighty, for loving me so much, for saving me. Yes, the Bible says the Lord will fight for me. I need only to be still. So I'm here. I'm quiet. I'm still. He's gone before me and He's fighting. Oh, there's much beauty in this valley. I need only to be still and enjoy it.

I love you all,

Kacey

He's Making Something New

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

Isaiah 43:18

I wonder how hard it is for God to sit in Heaven on His throne and watch His children go through hard things? I know it's necessary to face hard things because it helps us build up our faith. Still. HE is our Heavenly Father, and He created us, so I bet it's hard. He knows how we're going to respond and how much this hardship is going to change us, but He still has to watch us go through it. The verse above tells us to forget the former things and not dwell in the past. The verse after this one, Isaiah 43:19 says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland". I think He's telling us to keep moving forward, to keep our eyes on Him because He's doing something new for us. He asks us if we perceive it? Do we recognize what He's doing? Do we recognize Him at all? Do we sense His presence? The verse says He's making a way in the wilderness; so we're not out there somewhere lost, without direction, without Him. He's there, making a way. It also says He's making streams in the wastelands. He's there, too, in the impossible - making streams in a place where we see waste. Nothing is lost on God. Nothing is a coincidence. His plan is going to happen and take place because nothing can thwart that plan. He is sovereign and Holy and Lord over all. Still. It's hard. For me. For you. For Him.

I say all of this to bring us to this point because this is something that's been on my heart for years, and I feel like I need to share it. It's just so hard to write. So hard to explain. So hard to understand. But, maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will help you. See, this is about my mother. I've been so blessed to have her. She's a wonderful person, so full of love and grace, and she loves big and she loves hard. She's that person that everyone is drawn to - the one that you just know you can share things with her, and she'll listen and she'll pray. Let me tell you, if she tells you she's going to pray for you, be confident that she means it. Your name is probably written down in a prayer journal that she prays over every day. Every time she and my dad go on vacation, they literally bring home a new phone number of a new family that they've adopted. That's who they are. But you see, her mother and sisters, my grandmother and aunts, have nothing to do with her or us. This roller-coaster ride of a relationship with them has been up and down for more years than I can count. I don't understand it, either. Now, don't misunderstand me, we are not perfect, none of us. But neither are we deserving of being cast away. But she's been cast out of her family, and for years she's tried to put it back together. It just doesn't work. You may be asking why? Well, we've asked the same thing and gotten no answer. There are many, many examples, but far too many to write. But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here today because my grandmother has died. She lived to 97 years old and passed away on December 31st, and there was no reconciliation. I want to talk about Momma.

Momma knew she might one day be in this spot, not knowing what to do, not knowing which road to take, not knowing which direction to go in. She had an opportunity several years ago to have a talk with her mother, and she was able to tell her she loved her. My grandmother met her in that place that day and said some healing things for Momma. However, nothing more came from that. She went on about her life and never reached back out to Momma. So is that closure? I don't know. I guess it may be different for everyone. I think of the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verses 1-8. I won't type all of the verses, only parts, but it says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die....a time to heal....a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...". There's so much to unpack in these verses. God has given us a time for everything from laughing and dancing to mourning and weeping.  A time for breaking down and a time to heal. A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. I had to think on that last one for a minute. Maybe He's telling us here that we love, and we embrace and we hold on until He tells us to let go. Let go and Let God. God is in the details! He's in every part of our lives. In all the emotion of the last several days, Momma has had to dig deep and figure out whether to even go to the funeral. Yes, the treatment she's received has been that bad. But, she feels in her heart that she needs to go. And you know what the best part is? God will go with her. Isn't that what He promised? In Hebrews 12:1 it says, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles; and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." So she'll go and run this race. She'll face this hardship. She'll have to throw off everything that hinders and let God move, and she'll run the race set before her. How? With God. Why? Because as He says in Isaiah 43:19, "See, I am doing a new thing!" God is moving within her. He is strengthening her faith. She and my dad will not be alone there because He'll be right there beside them. Deuteronomy 31:8-9 says, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He's already there waiting on her.

Coming from my point of view, it's very difficult to have watched your mother hurt and be entangled in this toxic relationship without any explanation as to why. It would be fixable if there were an answer as to why. Why this treatment? What have I done? An answer to those questions could begin the healing process. But no answers have been given. I lost my grandmother and two aunts long ago. I've grieved them just as Momma has. Does it make today easier? I have to say, for me, a little bit. I lost her long ago. As for my aunts, I still have much to learn about how to move on and grieve for someone who's still alive. I have much to learn about how to continue to pray for someone who has brought such heartache to you and your family. But it all goes back to God's word. He's making something new. He's moving us and growing us and building up our faith. I must admit that in the past when I've tried to write about this, my words have been so full of anger. I distinctly remember one time having an entire blog written about this and right before I hit the button to publish it, it disappeared. I knew that was God. He removed it. Whenever I write, I can usually start to feel Him moving in my heart a few days before I actually sit down to write. Then when I feel ready, I sit down and pray that He speaks through me, that my words will be His words. Today, I am not writing out of anger. I am hurting because Momma is hurting. But I am writing to tell you that if you ever find yourself in this same situation, God is there with you. Seek Him and you will find Him. He may be trying to move you to a different place. He may be trying to strengthen your faith. He may be trying to make you solely dependent upon Him. He may be trying to do something right now in my life or Momma's life or your life that we can't even fathom. But I do know this - whatever it is, it's for our good and His glory. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We must always remember that God will work in our lives as much and as big as we'll let Him. He's a gentleman. He's kind. He will never push. But He will move us and push us if we let Him. We can pray all the time for someone to have a heart change, but unless THEY are willing to let God move inside them, it will not happen. So if you've prayed God will change someone in your life and it hasn't happened, please don't blame God. He heard your prayers. He may have tried to answer your prayers and change them. But they might not have let Him.

So, forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. I can't imagine our God, our Lord and Savior, sitting on His throne watching one of His children go through something hard. I wonder if He cries. I bet He does. I know He holds us in His arms. I know He collects our tears and comforts us. He's in every detail of our lives. So for Momma and for you, hang on to His hand and He will lead you, and be prepared for what He has in store for you because I have a feeling it's gonna be great. Faith moves mountains, and when He builds our faith, and we let Him, I believe He smiles. He loves us that much. He loves you, too, if you're facing this today. He loves you, too, Momma, and so do I.

I love you all,

Kacey

I Stand in Awe

He is your praise and He is your God, who has done these great and awesome things for you which your eyes have seen. Deuteronomy 10:21

Sometimes we get surprised by the presence of God. We know He's always there, always with us, that He never leaves us; but sometimes we encounter Him in a way that takes our breath away. We're surprised. We're speechless. We're left knowing that we've just had a personal, one on one encounter with the Almighty. This happened to me today, and I had to share it.

This year has been a little challenging. I had pneumonia in February that lasted for three months, only to find out that it was actually covid pneumonia. I was sick. Thankfully, I recovered and, like we always seem to do, went back to daily life not thinking much about it. Don't get me wrong. I was in prayer and I was so grateful to God when I got better. I just didn't spend a lot of time thinking about where I had been, and I didn't go down the "what if" road. So I moved on. Then in September, I got covid again. I was given an antiviral medicine in hopes that it wouldn't lead to pneumonia again. It didn't lead to pneumonia, but the medicine can cause rebound covid, and I got it again right away. It wasn't as bad as before, but shortly afterwards, I noticed a place on my lower left leg. It looked like a bruise, but it was very painful and tender to the touch. Now, what's interesting about this is that I had a similar place come up on my other leg earlier this year, but I didn't pay much attention to it, and it eventually healed on its own. This time, though, it seemed different. It was red, swollen, and painful, so i called the doctor. In short, I had two blood clots in my left leg. So now I am in the middle of trying to get a blood thinner within range so these clots will dissolve. This, too, has been challenging, with shots in my stomach, medication, and a team of doctors helping me get rid of these clots. This brings me to today.

This team of doctors includes the oncologist I had when I was going through breast cancer. She is also a hematologist, and I had an appointment with her today. I love their office. They remembered me, and they are so welcoming and loving. It felt like a reunion today. Until I was led into the exam room and left alone. The nurse closed the door, and I burst into tears. I did not see this coming. My first thoughts were, ok, get it together before the doctor gets in here. With tears streaming down my face, I was so concerned that she was going to walk in and wonder what in the world was wrong with me, that I almost missed it. You see, it was almost as if I could feel a set of hands on my shoulders, calming me, telling me to take a minute and breathe, telling me to relax. It was Jesus. He was there in that room with me today. Like I said earlier, I know He never leaves me. I know He's always there. But today, it was as if He were a tangible being sitting next to me. The last time I was in that room I had cancer. The last time I was in that room I was so engulfed in surviving that I didn't look to tomorrow because I had to get through today. But Jesus. In His calm, reassuring, patient presence allowed me to feel so many things at once today. Yes, my whole being went back in time to where I was then, in the throes of cancer and treatment and fear, but also a whole lot of blessing that God allowed me to see and feel and experience. But then, peace. Psalm 29:11 says, "The Lord gives strength to His people, and the Lord blesses His people with peace". I felt it right then and there. I knew He was telling me He still had me in the palm of His hand. He gently reminded me of where I had been, but He also reminded me of where I am now. I stand in awe of Him. I stand in amazement that we serve a God that will show up in a small doctor's office when you least expect it to show you His grace, His love, His peace, His sheer bigness. 

All through the Bible we see God's character. We see Him work in so many ways. But today, He took time to meet me at the doctor's office because, you see, He knew I would look back. He knew I would feel all the cancer things all over again. Even though I was just bopping through my day going to what I thought was another doctor's visit, He was already there, in that room, in that place waiting. Waiting for me. Because He knew. He knew I would need Him. He knew I would cry. He had my bottle of tears ready to collect a few more. But He also knew that I would feel Him and acknowledge His presence. As much as I try to always be grateful and thankful for that whole journey and the fact that He brought me out on the other side, I never feel as if I praise Him enough. So today, I praise Him. I give Him all glory and honor and praise. I give Him my thanks for healing me. I thank Him for meeting me there today to remind me that He's there. He's there in the details, waiting - waiting on me to see Him - waiting on me to know He's big and mighty and strong, but also that He's gentle and loving. I thank Him for today. I got home today, and in the sky was a cross. Oh, most would say it was just an airplane that had put it there. But to me, in my eyes, it was Him. I love Him. I praise Him. And my eyes will be open just a little bit more today because of who He is. He's God. He's Almighty. He's wonderful, and He loves us more than we can ever imagine.

I love you all.

God Died Anyway

For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Someone told me yesterday that they were too far gone for God. Of course, I told him that wasn't true, but I've been thinking about it ever since. Isn't that how Satan works? He takes our faults and our negatives and our weakest points and tells us we're so bad that God doesn't love us. He'll tell us that we're too far gone - that there's no way to get past what we do or what we've done for God to love us. How could God love me? After all, look at me. I want to be honest and vulnerable about myself for a minute because I think there's a lot of people that feel this same way. You might not deal with the exact thing I'm going to talk about, but you deal with something that makes you not feel the way God intends for us to feel about ourselves. He intends for us to feel loved and adored and cherished and beautiful. He intends for us to feel worthy enough that He died for us. We don't though. But let me tell you, there's nothing we could ever do that would be worthy of Him dying for us. But He died anyway. For you. For me. And you know what? He already knew what our failures and our hardships and our weaknesses were going to be when He died. He died anyway. He knew the roads we would take, the life we would have, the mistakes we would make, the victories we would win. He died anyway. Because, the bottom line is, there was nothing we could do worthy of Heaven, but in His eyes we were, and still are, precious in His sight. And He died anyway.

Because my friend thinks he's too far gone, I got to thinking about myself. See, he deals with something in his life that makes him feel unworthy. He doesn't feel precious and kind and like a beautiful soul. But I will tell you that he is all of those things, even if he can't see it. I deal with something in my life that's different than him, but it still makes me feel, at times, that I'm not beautiful or precious or worthy. They may be different things, but the end result is the same. We both look at ourselves in the mirror that tells us that this part of our life is ugly. We hear the same enemy telling us all the same lies. The Bible says in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." And that's what Satan does. He comes to steal our joy, kill our spirit and destroy our hope for a better tomorrow, or, better yet, to destroy our lives by telling us we're too far gone for Heaven. But do you know what the rest of that verse says? It says, "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." That's Jesus talking. HE came to give us life AND to give it to us abundantly.

The issue I deal with is my weight. I have struggled for so long. I used to think that I had struggled with it my whole life, but now I'm not so sure that's true. I look back over my life and realize that I didn't have a weight problem at times when I thought I did. But I've spent so much time worrying about this issue and judging myself so harshly, that it feels like I've had a lifetime of it. I let this issue so define me that it takes over how I live. I don't swim. I can swim and I love to swim, but I don't do it. I won't put on a bathing suit. I don't like having my picture made. I despise being weighed at the doctor's office. I think two or three or four times about what I wear. There are some places I don't even go. When I meet someone new I automatically think my weight is the first thing they're thinking about me. I had someone a while back try to guess what I ate and how much. But isn't that the stereotypical question that people have? They assume you're overweight because you eat the wrong things or too much of it. I have to remind myself that some people don't know where we've been, how far we've come, or what we've been through. Just like my friend I mentioned earlier - he's had a hard life. He's faced a lot of battles in his lifetime and he handles it the best way he can. I've been through seizures, cancer, three miscarriages, medicines that cause major changes in your body, and I, too, have dealt with it the best way I can. Sometimes people can't see deep enough into the heart of someone to understand them. But God can. And He does. He knows where we've been because He's been there with us. He knows how far we've come because He's walked beside us, maybe even carried us. He knows the battles we've fought and the heartaches we've had because He never leaves us. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is one I carried with me through cancer. It's Joshua 1:9 and it says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I love this verse. He commands us in this verse. He doesn't ask. He commands. But He says He's with us wherever we go, whether that's on a day when I feel good about what I eat or on a day when I totally go off track. Just like with my friend, God is with him when he's having a good, strong day, or a bad one. 

I've recently committed to God to help me lose five pounds a month until I reach my goal. My oldest son is getting married in 15 months. If I can do five pounds a month, I'll be down 75 pounds and very close to my goal. I think that's doable. I know four things. One, I cannot do this by myself. God will have to help me and I know He will. He just told me in His word that He will be with me wherever I go. Even in this. Most especially in this because He loves me. Two, this will happen in His time and in His way because I have surrendered it all to Him. Three, I will have days when I struggle and feel like I've failed. But God doesn't fail. He will be right there every single time. I just have to get back up and keep trying. Four, it is important to me, and this makes it important to Him. Why? Because He died anyway. 1 Samuel 16:7 says, "For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." And this - this is the most important thing. This is what I wish we all knew every minute of every hour of every day. God sees the heart. I know my heart, and my heart is overflowing with love for Jesus. I love Him more than I love my life. And my friend - God sees his heart, too. He sees the kindness, the strength, the beautiful love he has for others. And this, my friends, is the beauty of God. He sees us as no one else does. He sees our hopes and our dreams and our wishes and the ways we serve Him and worship Him and love Him. This is a beauty that will never be found in a number on the scale or a size in a pair of jeans. This is a beauty that will shine far more beautifully than our outward appearance. And that's what I see in my friend, because I see his heart. 

It's a hard thing to adapt to in today's world. With all the world's standards of what's pretty and what's not, what's skinny and what's not, what makes a person beautiful and what doesn't, it's no wonder we get lost in the lies the enemy throws at us. It's in our face all day every day. But I've chosen to work on looking at myself differently, and I pray my friend does, too. I'm choosing to hear God when He says in Solomon 4:7, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." God doesn't see what I see, and I am so thankful. Because God thinks I'm beautiful, even when I don't. He knew I would face this in my life and have to come to terms with how He created me. He knew I would struggle. He knew some days I would listen to the voice of the enemy tell me lies and believe every single lie he spews at me. He knew I would try and fail, and try and fail, and try and fail. But he died anyway. For me and for you. He also knew that I would never truly fail as long as I didn't quit trying, as long as I kept striving to be more like Him. And I so want to be more like Him, with every part of my being. Pray for me as I walk this journey, and I'll pray for you. And I'll take this one day at a time, and I'll walk this road with Him by my side. And I'll try to be a little kinder to myself when I look in the mirror. I'll try to see what He sees. And my friend, well, this one is for you, too, because I see a little bit of what God sees in you, and it is altogether beautiful, my love. Believe it for yourself. Even in the midst of the struggles and the ups and downs, believe it for yourself. After all, God died anyway. 

I love you all,

Kacey

Dry Bones

 The Spirit of God has made me, 
And the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
Job 33:4

Every breath we take is a gift. Each inhale. Each exhale. It's easy sometimes to take those breaths for granted. I think that's because they come without us even thinking about them. They are automatic. We need each breath that we breathe to have life on this earth. But what about a different kind of breath? The kind that gets our hearts pumping and puts excitement in our bones. The kind that makes us want to shout about the glory of God and dance in the streets like David. The kind that makes us want to be different from the world - to be set apart because we have something that people see but can't quite put their finger on. That kind of breath can only be given by the power of the Holy Spirit. It can only be breathed into us by the breath of the Almighty. It's glorious. It's exciting. It brings us joy even when we feel sadness. It brings comfort even when we feel scared. If you're a believer in Christ, the very breath of God is in you.

Several weeks ago in Sunday School, we were studying the book of Ezekiel. I've read about this before, but this lesson took me deeper into God's word and it had a profound effect on me. You see, Ezekiel was a prophet and God's hand was upon him. God gave Ezekiel a vision. The Bible tells us in Ezekiel 37:1-2, "The hand of the Lord was on me, and He brought me out by His Spirit and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. He led me all around them. There were a great many of them on the surface of the valley and they were very dry." God led Ezekiel through this valley. He gave him a tour so he could see all of these bones. When the scripture says "they were very dry", I learned that this signified the utter hopelessness of life coming back into these bones. No sign of life existed. 

Through my cancer journey, I learned a lot about being in a valley. It's usually your lowest point. Many times you find yourself alone in the valley. But I also learned that in the valley, God is always with us. I also learned that there is such beauty in these valleys we walk through. It may not seem like it at the time, but there is much to see and learn, and it's almost always a magnificent sight. So you may be wondering how there could be beauty in this valley that Ezekiel has been put in. Just wait. You'll see. 

God spoke to Ezekiel and told him to speak to the dry bones. Ezekiel 37:5-6 says, "This is what the Lord GOD says to these bones: I will cause breath to enter you, and you will live. I will put tendons on you, make flesh grow on you, and cover you with skin. I will put breath in you so that you come to life. Then you will know I am the Lord." I don't know about Ezekiel, but if I'm standing there in the middle of a valley of dry bones and the Lord God tells me He's about to put tendons and flesh on them and give them life, I'm gonna be a little scared. But that's exactly what God did. All of the bones that were scattered across that valley were put together as skeletons. God put the tendons on, joined the muscles, and put the skin over the bones - all while Ezekiel watched it. Wow! What a sight that must have been. The Bible tells us that the rattling sound of these bones coming together shook the earth so hard it was as if there were an earthquake! However, even though God put these bodies back together, they still had no life - they had no breath in them. 

God then commanded Ezekiel to prophesy to the breath, and that the Lord God says breathe into these slain so that they may live! Verse 10 of Ezekiel 37 says, "So I prophesied as He commanded me; the breath entered them, and they came to life and stood on their feet, a vast army." Let's just imagine for a moment all that Ezekiel has witnessed. He went from being in a quiet valley full of dry bones, to being in a valley full of people standing before him. Only God could do this. 

You may be wondering where I'm headed with this, but I had to give you the visual of what happened. It was so significant to me. This vision God gave Ezekiel shows us that we are dead if we don't have Jesus as our Savior. It shows us the power of the Holy Spirit. Oh, we're human and we're walking around, living our lives from day to day, but we are not experiencing the richness of all God has to offer. The Holy Spirit brings new life to us when we accept God's salvation. The Holy Spirit is the joy in our sadness, the comfort in our fear, the truth to our doubts. The Holy Spirit is the dance in our step and the music to our songs. We live here on earth because God gave us life. But we live in abundance here on earth and then for eternity if we accept Jesus as our Lord. He gives us life and His Spirit enables us to breathe and be alive in a way we could never imagine. God gave Ezekiel this vision to show us that the gospel is about making dead people alive. We are dead in Christ until we accept Him. Then we are given this beautiful gift of the Holy Spirit. This Spirit is what moves us. It's what makes our hearts overflow at the sight of a sunset, or the vastness of the ocean, or simply the fullness of being in His presence. The Spirit is a light that shines in us that makes us look different. He didn't have to give us this gift of His Spirit. He could have given us only the gift of His salvation. And that would have been enough. But He went further and gave us this mighty, powerful gift of His Spirit. He woke us up and gave us a gift worth shouting about. He died on the cross to save our souls from Hell. But then He breathed into us His Spirit to live this life here, right now, in a way that glorifies Him - in a way where we can be so filled with His Spirit that we are overflowing. What a gift!

If you don't know the Lord as your Savior, please consider Him. He's waiting for you. He's waiting to breathe life into you like you've never known. Don't live this one life you have here on earth as dry bones. Let God breathe into you His Spirit so you can experience life abundantly here and then forevermore in Heaven. I'm so thankful to God for His Holy Spirit, for breathing life into these dry bones of mine, for raising me up to live in a way that is not possible without Him. I'm thankful that the very breath of the Almighty gives me life.

I love you all,

Kacey

There's Just Something About That Name

 ".....and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, 

Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace". 

Isaiah 9:6

I'd love to tell you about my Jesus. Just a glimpse of His power and His love. How He showed up for me the other day in such a simple, powerful way.

The other morning in the shower, I found myself humming. It's not unusual that I hum or sing in the shower. There are many times that I have full out worship with the Lord in the shower. It's a place where I'm alone, no one can hear me except for Him, and I have had some really great conversations with Him there. This particular morning, though, I wasn't paying much attention, just trying to get done and get my day started. So I was just absently humming along when I realized that I was humming the chorus "There's Just Something About that Name", (written by Gloria Gaither). Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. That's how it starts. It made me smile. Just saying His name made me smile. I was completely filled with the Holy Spirit. I felt His presence. To sing that first line, I felt so humbled because I felt as if I was welcoming Him into my day. This particular morning I was so keenly aware of His name and all that it meant. He died for me even though I didn't deserve it. He loves me unconditionally even though I fail every single day. I just sang that first line over and over and over and as the warm water rushed over me, so did His presence. I lost all awareness of anything else. I often times pray in the shower for the same reasons I sing - I'm alone, and no one else can hear me. And I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like my prayers are repetitive. But on this day, it was just me and Jesus. All I did was sing this song. I felt close to Him, surrounded by Him, truly in the presence of Him, all by simply calling on His name.

Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain is the next line. I thought about that, about how that fragrance after a rain is so different and distinct. It's fresh and it makes us want to breathe it in. That's what Jesus does - He makes all things fresh and new. The Bible says in Lamentations 3:22-23, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." I thank Jesus that He finds a way to give mercy and grace. I know His heart breaks when I make the same mistakes or disappoint Him, yet He never seems to tire of giving new mercy each and every morning. Just as He makes the sun rise every morning, His mercy is new.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away, but there's just something about that name is the last part of this chorus. This is so powerful to me. It says in 1 Chronicles 29:11, "Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and You are exalted as head above all." Everything is the Lord's. I think that's what humbled me so much was the thought that everything I have is the Lord's. It's all His, but He gave these things, these blessings, this life to me. Even in hard times and trying times and times of uncertainty, He's there giving grace and mercy and blessings. Even when we lose our way or stumble and fall, He's there to pick us up. Sometimes He has to carry us, but He's there. We must proclaim it. He's given us a voice to tell others about Him, to share what He does for us, to share His goodness and most importantly His salvation. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but Jesus lives forever! Hallelujah! Philippians 2:10-11 says, "that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in Heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." So at the end of this life, everything passes away and is gone, but those of us that know Jesus as our personal Savior, it's just the beginning! I don't think we can truly fathom eternity, that there's no end, ever. That we will be surrounded with the love of Jesus in a place so beautiful we can't imagine, full of light and love and praise and happiness with never an end is hard to grasp. But oh how wonderful it will be. 

There's power in the name of Jesus. There's hope and love and protection and freedom and so many other things in the name of Jesus. All we have to do is whisper His name. That's what I did on this morning in the shower. I was humming His name and He met me where I was. I worshiped Him just by singing His name and my day started off with a smile. Nothing else mattered. He was by my side in an instant. I hope you know Him as your Savior. If you don't, reach out. I'll help you find Him. He's not far away and He's waiting. 

Thank you for letting me tell you a little bit about my Jesus. Without Him I would be lost, but with Him I am free and I am blessed and I am grateful. There's just something about Him. There's just something about His name.

I love you all, 

Kacey