Calvary!!

It seems I have so much to share today.  The Lord has been working in my life this week, and there's been a lot of things happen...and not all bad.  First, I will tell you that I must have another surgery on April 9th.  Through ultrasound this week, it seems as if part of an ovary was left behind after my hysterectomy surgery I had back in October.  My brain sees that I have part of an ovary and so it's working overtime to try and make this ovary work to full capacity.  The funny thing is that the ovary is working at full capacity!  My estrogen level should be around 30 and it's at 160.  The doctor says that since this ovary has been there since October and has been working so hard, it's grown.  It's about as big as the end of a fingertip, but my cancer was estrogen positive, so the remnant ovary must come out. 

Now, I will admit that upon first hearing this news, I had a roller coaster of emotion.  I was (and still am) very grateful that God has allowed the doctors to find this.  If not, then I would've been going through the next five years on a medicine that wasn't working, and the chances of my cancer returning would have been greater.  Praise the Lord this has been found!  My next emotion was frustration because it's like taking a huge step forward and then being knocked backwards.  You know how that is...something unexpected and something you just don't like.  Next, I was angry because I couldn't believe that this had happened to me.  Yes, it was a very sob story of woe is me.  :)  But then came God!  After a few days of this roller coaster, He picked me back up and there were ways He spoke to me this week.  Let me share.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling a little down, but not like the few days before - I just felt alone in my thoughts.  So I started my day like every other - got the boys to school, had time with God, went to workout, but just couldn't shake this feeling I had.  I talked about it a little that morning with family and friends, but I think I was searching for an answer that I didn't know if I was going to get - what do I do now.  I went to get in my car that morning to head home after some errands and when I got in and cranked it, my radio was playing (quite loudly) on a Christian station that I don't normally listen to.  At Calvary was the song being played and I sat there in wonderment.  I couldn't move...I just sat and listened.  I've heard this song many times, grown up with this song, but yesterday, I heard it.  The words that stuck out and seemed to hit me most were, "Mercy there was great and Grace was free, Pardon there was multiplied to me, there my burdened soul found liberty, at Calvary."  Okay, let me reiterate that the radio was on a station that I don't listen to (or didn't), and I'm listening to a song about Calvary...where my burdened soul found liberty!  Then I heard, "now I’ve given to Jesus everything, now I gladly own Him as my King, now my raptured soul can only sing of Calvary!"
Wow!  I knew then that God was in my car with me telling me to lay down my burdened soul at Calvary.  I knew in that moment that He had been watching me the last few days struggle and weep and wonder about this next step.  I felt Him looking at me as His child in need of His word, His love, His strength, His power, His mercy and His peace.  God played that song for me and I laid this surgery down at Calvary.  He's got it under control and there's a reason for it, and honestly, I hope He lets us see the reason.  I wait in anticipation of what He's going to do next.  It's such an amazing, freeing experience to think that I can lay down my burdens, give everything to Jesus and just keep on praising Him.  I do praise Him for who He is and for having my life in His hands.  I praise Him for Calvary and one day my raptured soul will sing praise to Him forevermore!

I know I've talked many times before about the differences in being on the mountain top and in the valley.  I will say that most of my life I've spent not really looking at it in terms of mountains and valleys.  But since cancer, God has shown me the difference.  I will also admit that when I got "the call" that I had cancer, I just plummeted to the bottom of the valley.  In time and through this journey I am trying to appreciate both places, for they are both quite unique and lovely.  I feel as I've spent the last few months on the mountain and the view has been beautiful.  Now I feel as if I'm heading back down to the valley, but this time I'm okay.  I'm not falling and plummeting fast to the bottom this time.  I'm going slower this time, making sure I don't miss the view on the way down.  God is the King of the Mountain, but He's also the Shephard of the field, or the valley.  The lillies are beautiful here, the rain that washes off the mountaintop lands here in the valley and makes the fields lush and green!  As I've said before, it's beautiful in the valley, too, for that's where we can look up toward the top of the mountain, toward the sky, toward God and see things we can't see if we're too high.  We can anticipate the journey back up, too, because it's always magnificent, growing our faith.  For you see, right now, I'm walking behind God on the way down to the valley.  He's walking before me, preparing the way.  He'll walk with me while in the valley and make sure I don't miss His blessings and His beauty.  Then, on the way up, He'll walk behind me, pushing me and helping me reach the top, making sure I don't miss a thing. 

I pray you know Jesus and what He did for you at Calvary.  I pray you know that you can lay your burdens down because He will carry them for you, no matter what they are.  I pray you enjoy and love the view from both places - the mountaintop and the valley - because He's there in both places, walking, or maybe playing you a song, right along side you.  :)

I love you all,
Kacey