She Laughs

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25 (NIV)


There is nothing quite like being awestruck by the word of God.  Nothing like reading something and knowing that you are reading it because He wants you to.  I read this verse the other day and was just that...awestruck.  You see, I've been in some kind of trench lately, a valley that sits a little lower than any of the other valleys I've visited over the past little while.  When I read this verse, the first thing I thought was "I've lost my smile"; "I've lost my laughter".  It made me sad.  It woke me up. 


There are so many adjustments that have to be made when you go through cancer.  What happens in the beginning is that you must adjust to the fact that you have cancer.  Then you adjust to the kind of cancer you have and what your treatment options are.  After that, you must adjust to your new way of living - fighting every day, making sure your loved ones are okay, trying to stay positive, and on and on.  During this beginning stage when you're adjusting to all this, you are also given a lot of information about your future.  You're told what to expect one year, two years, five years from that moment and, for me, I didn't hear this information.  I stopped listening when I heard "you have cancer".  But you wade through everything, you fight, and you believe that if you can just make it to the other side you'll just go back to normal and pick up where you left off.  Let me warn you...it's not possible, or it wasn't for me.  I am so grateful and so thankful that I made it through, but I did not pick up where I left off.  There are so many reasons I am glad I didn't.  If you've walked this journey with me, you know how much God has changed my life.  He has made me stronger and more faithful and so grateful for so many things.  He has shown me things I never dreamed I would get to see and learn and experience.  I've begun to remember some of the things the doctors told me to expect.  I now remember them telling me that the medicine I would need to take for five years would cause joint pain and fatigue and weight gain.  What didn't matter then, matters now.  So that's where I've been.  I have been sitting in a valley, quite frankly right where the devil wants me, in a pit of self-image issues and weight issues.  But that is not where God wants me, so that's not where I intend to stay. 


Micah 7:8 says, "Do not gloat over me my enemy!  Though I have fallen, I will rise.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (NIV)  I absolutely love this verse.  I like to say it over and over, because if the devil thinks he has me right where he wants me, God promises me something different.  He will raise me up when I fall.  He will be my light on those days I sit in darkness.  Many years ago, I began having seizures.  Doctors did not know why then and they still don't, but I have to take medication for this.  The medicine I've been on all these years now interacts with my cancer medicine so we are doing a change of the seizure medicine.  This is not an easy change.  Because the drug is a neurological drug, it affects my mood and my emotions, so I've been up and down lately to say the least.  (Bless my family for loving me like they do!!)  I tell you this because one of the adjustments I am trying to make that I mentioned above is the weight gain associated with all this cancer stuff I've been through.  So when I couple the seizure medicine change along with my self-image, weight stuff, I've really just been a mess.  I can say this today with a smile because at times it seems so ludicrous to ever be worried about such things.  But I am human...and a woman!  God tells me I am wonderfully and beautifully made.  However, it's not easy to ever feel beautiful during cancer.  Half the time, I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I felt like so much of me was changing.  Now, even though I've come through what I thought was the hardest part, I still find myself not wanting to look in the mirror.  I've been asking myself what happened.  I've been asking why I seemed happier in the throes of cancer than I do today.  I keep asking God these questions.  I keep asking Him why I seem to be so focused on these things the doctors told me were coming; why I can't accept where I am right now; why I don't seem happy.  He told me.  I lost my focus.  I took my eyes off of Him.  I lost my smile and my laughter because I've made it about me instead of about Him.  In the middle of cancer, I might not have wanted to look in the mirror very much, but that wasn't my focus.  My focus was to go about telling all the things the Lord was showing me and the prayers that were being answered and the ways He was growing my faith.  So for now, as Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning", (NIV) I am going to refocus my eyes.  I know He has a work for me to do.  I am where I am and it is what it is.  I am where He wants me to be and I am going to do what He wants, His way, not my way. 


I believe it's important to share with you where I am because I believe many of you have the same struggles.  I think many of you struggle with self-image issues and weight issues whether or not you've been through cancer.  I think the Lord wants me to share this struggle with you to let you know you are not alone and to let me know I'm not alone.  Any time we bring something out of the darkness into the light, it loses its power over us.  Maybe this is a start.  I am asking you to pray with me about this issue, that we can begin to see ourselves the way God sees us.  I'm going to ask Him to get me out of this cycle and bring me out of this pit, and I know He will because He said He would.  The enemy is always going to use our weakest link against us.  But we have a bigger God!  I think it is important for us to remember that God tells us in Isaiah 40: 28-31 "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV).  Isn't this the most amazing promise?  Yes, I feel like I am sitting in a valley right now that sits a little lower than any I've ever been in.  But tonight, as I look around and find myself searching for my Savior, I see Him here with me.  He's not tired or weary, though I may be.  He understands me and where I am, though I may not.  He gives me strength I do not even know I have.  I have hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength; and when He does, I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror.  You know why?  I see Him...not me.


I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come.