Hello to everyone! It's been a while since I've written, but in this time God has revealed much. There is a song that I love that says, "Watch what my God can do, Watch what my God can do for you; You may face some situations, some trials or tribulations, but, watch what my God can do." I love this song and I especially love the BUT in the middle because yes, we may face trials and tribulations and difficult situations BUT just watch and wait and see what God's gonna do about it. I think the last time I wrote I had been given the wonderful news that my estrogen level was finally where it needed to be. It was 7 and that was, and is, great news. But I'd like to share how God revealed the whole story of this situation for me. He didn't do it the first moment I heard my level was a 7. He waited until just the right moment on just the right day at just the right time so that I would be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of His power. Let me share.
First, let me share that the number 7 biblically means "perfection" or "completion". The number 8 biblically means "new beginnings". Eight is 7+1, which means completion plus one, or a new beginning. When God destroyed the earth by flood, eight people stepped off the arc to create a new beginning of a new world. There are many examples in the Bible, but these are two that help me understand what God revealed to me.
When any kind of blood work or testing is done for me, it goes to all of my doctors to keep them updated on my journey. So we were on vacation when the first 7 came in. In case you don't know, my estrogen levels are supposed to be 32 or below, but my levels were coming in between 78 and 179. So to get this 7 was amazing and wonderful! When my doctor called we were on top of a mountain on vacation and to receive a perfect 7 on top of the mountain was an extraordinary feeling. But what I want to share is what God revealed to me later that not only confirmed His presence, but also gave me a peace and an understanding of healing deep within my soul.
We got home from vacation and had a bill in the mail from my oncologist that reminded me that his office, in addition to my surgeon's office, had drawn my blood for an estrogen level. I had forgotten my oncologist drew blood for a level. Then it all came together for me because this is what God showed me. I received the 88 while sitting in the valley of the mountains. I didn't know then that God was actually telling me I was about to experience a new beginning. Unbeknownst to me, He was preparing my heart for the perfect, complete 7 that I was about to receive up on that beautiful mountaintop. So see, God gave me a new beginning in the valley and then waited for me to reach the top of the mountain before receiving the perfect 7! It was such an amazing moment to realize just how God was in control of this whole thing. I am learning every day that our lives are planned right down to the last detail. This revelation astounded me, that God would reveal this in such a way as this. What's more, and most astonishing is the undeniable gift of knowing I had been healed that God gave me in that moment. I felt such a warm, quiet peace fall over me. It was like a gentle wind that blows outside that we might not notice if we don't stand still long enough to feel it. I felt it from my head to my toes. I praise Him for this gift and for this feeling of His presence and for His healing and for His peace that truly does surpass all understanding.
Last week, my doctor wanted to do another level to "be sure". I just knew there was no need for it. When God speaks and you truly hear Him there is no room left for doubt and fear. But I obliged and had my blood drawn again. Here's what happened. There are two different hormones they check for estrogen to combine and make up a total. The first time one hormone was 1 and one was 6 for a total of 7. This time - now wait for it and get ready - one hormone was 2 and the other was 5 for another total of 7. There's no need to check it again, but I just know that next time it would be another combination to equal 7. Hallelujah! This can only be God and I am so thankful that He not only did this, but He also revealed it to me in this way.
I talk a lot about the valleys and mountains and deserts that I've faced through this journey and I think it is so amazing that He would use the valley and the mountain to reveal such healing to me. It makes me realize that God cares about every single thing that we face, from something big to something small. I also realized that God takes great pleasure in our happiness. He didn't have to make all these pieces fall into place for me this way, but He did. And I really believe that when I got it - when I really, really got it, He was smiling because He knew I recognized the gift. I love Him and I praise Him for all that He is and does. I want to shout from the rooftops and run down the streets and tell of Jesus and His love and sacrifice. His presence is always beside us. His angels are always around us. I could never praise Him and thank Him enough for all that He does, but I will try. The very best way I can describe how I feel and how I know I'm healed is to say that He touched me, He healed me, He gave me confirmation and it is well with my soul.
I love you all,
Kacey
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
What a Mighty God We Serve!
Oh, I have so much to tell...so much to share...so much to thank God and Praise Him for! My estrogen level is 7!! Yes, I said 7! It has gone from 179 to 7 and the only way to explain this, is God! And the significance of the number 7 did not slip by me either. The number 7 is perfection, so God allowed me to feel His presence all over this news!
Me and Alan and the boys were on vacation last week, so I haven't been home to share and I made my family promise not to! I couldn't wait to tell of this news and show you just how much your prayers work! The Bible tells us in James 5:16 "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man prevails much." (NKJV) I love this! He hears our prayers. He heard my cries. He saw my brokenness. You heard it, too, and you prayed for me. Thank you seems too little to say, but I thank you and I love you all for praying for me.
Several weeks ago, you may remember me telling you of a day where I broke down and fell apart. I literally fell on my face and cried out to Jesus for help, for relief, for peace. Since my journey with breast cancer started, there have been many days where I've fallen apart. But not like this day. Likewise, there have been many days where I have felt the brush of angels so strongly it was as if I could fly right along with them. But not like this past week. So to say there have been good days and bad days is an understatement, but when I broke down a few weeks ago it was different. I crumbled and poured out every feeling in my being and laid them at the feet of Jesus. I felt so tired, so frustrated, so scared of what was to come. In case you don't know, my cancer was estrogen positive and after two attempts at a hysterectomy, my estrogen levels were so high that it was certain an ovary was missed. The last estrogen level taken came back at 179 and the level is supposed to be lower than 32. It was at this point that I didn't know what was to come so I just had to stand. Ephesians 6:10-13 tells us to "be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God....and having done all, to stand." (NJKV) Well, after I crumbled, I picked myself up and stood. It wasn't easy this time either. I had trouble finding my peace and my balance. But I eventually was able to cry out to the Lord and lay it down. Then I was able to stand.
My blood level was drawn again just before we went on vacation. Alan and the boys and I were truly able to rest and relax. I had made my choice to give it up and stand, so I left it alone (as best as I can as a human, and I'm still working on it). Several days into the vacation my doctor called and told me my estrogen level was back, but I missed her call. So, I called my oncologist and asked them for the results. They told me the level was 88, which was still too high and still left me out in the middle of nowhere land. I tried to put it aside and began praying that I would be able to just leave it alone, that I knew God had a plan for me. Several hours later my doctor called me back and said she had the level. She told me it was 7!! After some confusion I was able to really hear her words and just began weeping and praising Him because I know that I know that God fixed this level and made it right. This also means that my medicine, which I thought had not been working, is working. Therefore, I have been protected from a recurrence of cancer. Praise the Lord!
There are three things I would like to share with you that had such significance to me while on this vacation. There is a place called the Chimneys in Gatlinburg and I've spoken of it before. It's a place where a river runs down a mountain over rocks that are huge and rocks that are small; some rocks are smooth and some are very jagged and rough. There are so many trees and they are tall and it makes this place so shady and cool. But the river that runs down this mountain is loud - so loud that you are overwhelmed by it, yet it offers such peace. So when I found out this news, I told Alan that we must get to the Chimneys. So we went and I immediately felt the presence of God. There is nothing that man can ever create or build or make that will ever compare to the raw beauty given to us freely by God. We got out of our car and walked down through some trees and rocks and made it to the water. It was there that I noticed my own tears. It was there that I noticed the random white flowers blooming in the midst of big, looming rocks and a fast current of water. It was there that I noticed the absolute jubilation of my family's faces as they threw rocks and put their feet in the cold water. The air here is crisp and fresh and the sun shining through the trees is a bright, heavenly gift that shines light only in certain places. It was here that I was able to fall again at the feet of Jesus in thankfulness and praise. It was here that I felt close enough to Him to touch Him or to look for Him amidst the water and the sun and the trees. I realized that He didn't have to create a place such as this for us. If He had made the whole world dark and ugly we would never have known the difference. But He didn't...He made it magnificent and lovely and overwhelmingly beautiful. I made A LOT of pictures just trying to capture on film what I was feeling in my heart...what the Lord was allowing me to experience with Him in that moment. It says in Psalm 46 that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling; There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God...God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved. God shall help her just at the break of dawn." (NKJV) Amen! This is what I felt. This river would not be moved and it made me realize that God is in the midst - always!
Another place on this vacation is a cross. It's a huge cross that can be seen all over the city no matter which way you look. I wanted to try and get to this cross. We made it! We climbed the hills and got to the foot of this cross and it was amazing! I immediately thought "There's room at the cross for you, Though millions have come, there's still room for one, Yes there's room at the cross for you." I felt Him there, too, telling me that yes, I was only one person, but there was room there for me. There's room there for you, too! There's always room at the cross. So it was here that I was able to think about all Jesus went through to die upon that cross for me and you. It was here that I could see His nail-scarred hands and feet, and see the thorn of crowns upon His head. But it was also here that I was able to know that He was no longer on that cross, that He had risen and was alive! He has changed my life in so many ways, but I was reminded that He died on that cross to not only save the lost, but He rose again and is the same yesterday, today and forever. It was here that I found a renewed sense of peace. Because see, we went to the cross before I got the drastic news of the estrogen level. So when I was at the foot of that cross, I felt I was truly able to lay my burdens down. It was such an amazing moment.
The third place we visited were some cabins and condominiums. We love to look at different places so we had someone take us into a few to view. The last two places he showed us were on the very top of the mountain, and standing outside on the balcony of this place was the most incredible view. We were surrounded by mountains all around and it was literally breathtaking. As we were finishing up, the man that showed us these places asked me and Alan if we ever bought a place would we want one on the top of a mountain or in the valley. Alan and I answered at the same time with Alan saying on top of the mountain and me saying in the valley. I even surprised myself by this answer. I always thought it would be on top, but I believe I felt in my spirit that I liked the valley better. Now, this may sound strange and I know I write about this often, but I am trying to learn how to cope in each of the different places God puts us in. It is here that we see the different ways God is in control, whether we feel we are "on top of the world" or in the lowly valley. I realized that I now know what it is to feel safety in the valley.
The last thing I would like to share actually happened before we went on vacation. I don't know if you remember me talking about Mr. Fred. He was a man that walked into the oncologist office one day when I was at my lowest moment. He didn't know me. He didn't even hold a conversation with me personally that day. But he spoke to the couple beside us, and when he got up to go back for his treatment, spoke to the entire waiting room. He said that even though he was there for treatment, he was superb because of all that Jesus had done for him so far. He said that he had been in a place where he couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair, but "look at me now" he said, and he danced across the floor to the nurse. I was so impacted by him that day. I knew the Lord had sent him in there to lift me up. A few weeks later I found out that a friend actually knew him and his family. I got to go visit Mr. Fred and Ms. Doris in their home and what a wonderful, hallelujah worship time we had. Well, I learned a couple of weeks ago that Mr. Fred had gone on to be with the Lord. I will pray for his family and ask that you do, too; but I heard that his home-going was a mighty worship time. Although it saddened me for us here on earth to be without such a Godly, inspirational man, I couldn't help but smile when I thought of how Heaven must have felt when he walked through those gates. Mr. Fred was superb in spite of his trials because he had the love of Jesus in him and all around him. I was around him on only two separate occasions and he impacted my life. I can't imagine what an impact he had on those who knew him well. What a witness he was and will continue to be. So I tell you this to ask you to pray for his family, but also to say that it's true what the word says about entertaining angels unaware. We never know who's going to cross our path, and this week God heard my brokenness and healed me!! I want you to know that I'm not just praising God this week because of this healing, but I'm praising Him because I was reminded in a big, big way that not only can God move mountains and make rivers flow and allow us to feel safety in the valley, He let me stand on the top of those mountains and in the middle of that river and at the foot of that cross to show me what a mighty God He is!
I love you all,
Kacey
Me and Alan and the boys were on vacation last week, so I haven't been home to share and I made my family promise not to! I couldn't wait to tell of this news and show you just how much your prayers work! The Bible tells us in James 5:16 "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man prevails much." (NKJV) I love this! He hears our prayers. He heard my cries. He saw my brokenness. You heard it, too, and you prayed for me. Thank you seems too little to say, but I thank you and I love you all for praying for me.
Several weeks ago, you may remember me telling you of a day where I broke down and fell apart. I literally fell on my face and cried out to Jesus for help, for relief, for peace. Since my journey with breast cancer started, there have been many days where I've fallen apart. But not like this day. Likewise, there have been many days where I have felt the brush of angels so strongly it was as if I could fly right along with them. But not like this past week. So to say there have been good days and bad days is an understatement, but when I broke down a few weeks ago it was different. I crumbled and poured out every feeling in my being and laid them at the feet of Jesus. I felt so tired, so frustrated, so scared of what was to come. In case you don't know, my cancer was estrogen positive and after two attempts at a hysterectomy, my estrogen levels were so high that it was certain an ovary was missed. The last estrogen level taken came back at 179 and the level is supposed to be lower than 32. It was at this point that I didn't know what was to come so I just had to stand. Ephesians 6:10-13 tells us to "be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God....and having done all, to stand." (NJKV) Well, after I crumbled, I picked myself up and stood. It wasn't easy this time either. I had trouble finding my peace and my balance. But I eventually was able to cry out to the Lord and lay it down. Then I was able to stand.
My blood level was drawn again just before we went on vacation. Alan and the boys and I were truly able to rest and relax. I had made my choice to give it up and stand, so I left it alone (as best as I can as a human, and I'm still working on it). Several days into the vacation my doctor called and told me my estrogen level was back, but I missed her call. So, I called my oncologist and asked them for the results. They told me the level was 88, which was still too high and still left me out in the middle of nowhere land. I tried to put it aside and began praying that I would be able to just leave it alone, that I knew God had a plan for me. Several hours later my doctor called me back and said she had the level. She told me it was 7!! After some confusion I was able to really hear her words and just began weeping and praising Him because I know that I know that God fixed this level and made it right. This also means that my medicine, which I thought had not been working, is working. Therefore, I have been protected from a recurrence of cancer. Praise the Lord!
There are three things I would like to share with you that had such significance to me while on this vacation. There is a place called the Chimneys in Gatlinburg and I've spoken of it before. It's a place where a river runs down a mountain over rocks that are huge and rocks that are small; some rocks are smooth and some are very jagged and rough. There are so many trees and they are tall and it makes this place so shady and cool. But the river that runs down this mountain is loud - so loud that you are overwhelmed by it, yet it offers such peace. So when I found out this news, I told Alan that we must get to the Chimneys. So we went and I immediately felt the presence of God. There is nothing that man can ever create or build or make that will ever compare to the raw beauty given to us freely by God. We got out of our car and walked down through some trees and rocks and made it to the water. It was there that I noticed my own tears. It was there that I noticed the random white flowers blooming in the midst of big, looming rocks and a fast current of water. It was there that I noticed the absolute jubilation of my family's faces as they threw rocks and put their feet in the cold water. The air here is crisp and fresh and the sun shining through the trees is a bright, heavenly gift that shines light only in certain places. It was here that I was able to fall again at the feet of Jesus in thankfulness and praise. It was here that I felt close enough to Him to touch Him or to look for Him amidst the water and the sun and the trees. I realized that He didn't have to create a place such as this for us. If He had made the whole world dark and ugly we would never have known the difference. But He didn't...He made it magnificent and lovely and overwhelmingly beautiful. I made A LOT of pictures just trying to capture on film what I was feeling in my heart...what the Lord was allowing me to experience with Him in that moment. It says in Psalm 46 that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling; There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God...God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved. God shall help her just at the break of dawn." (NKJV) Amen! This is what I felt. This river would not be moved and it made me realize that God is in the midst - always!
Another place on this vacation is a cross. It's a huge cross that can be seen all over the city no matter which way you look. I wanted to try and get to this cross. We made it! We climbed the hills and got to the foot of this cross and it was amazing! I immediately thought "There's room at the cross for you, Though millions have come, there's still room for one, Yes there's room at the cross for you." I felt Him there, too, telling me that yes, I was only one person, but there was room there for me. There's room there for you, too! There's always room at the cross. So it was here that I was able to think about all Jesus went through to die upon that cross for me and you. It was here that I could see His nail-scarred hands and feet, and see the thorn of crowns upon His head. But it was also here that I was able to know that He was no longer on that cross, that He had risen and was alive! He has changed my life in so many ways, but I was reminded that He died on that cross to not only save the lost, but He rose again and is the same yesterday, today and forever. It was here that I found a renewed sense of peace. Because see, we went to the cross before I got the drastic news of the estrogen level. So when I was at the foot of that cross, I felt I was truly able to lay my burdens down. It was such an amazing moment.
The third place we visited were some cabins and condominiums. We love to look at different places so we had someone take us into a few to view. The last two places he showed us were on the very top of the mountain, and standing outside on the balcony of this place was the most incredible view. We were surrounded by mountains all around and it was literally breathtaking. As we were finishing up, the man that showed us these places asked me and Alan if we ever bought a place would we want one on the top of a mountain or in the valley. Alan and I answered at the same time with Alan saying on top of the mountain and me saying in the valley. I even surprised myself by this answer. I always thought it would be on top, but I believe I felt in my spirit that I liked the valley better. Now, this may sound strange and I know I write about this often, but I am trying to learn how to cope in each of the different places God puts us in. It is here that we see the different ways God is in control, whether we feel we are "on top of the world" or in the lowly valley. I realized that I now know what it is to feel safety in the valley.
The last thing I would like to share actually happened before we went on vacation. I don't know if you remember me talking about Mr. Fred. He was a man that walked into the oncologist office one day when I was at my lowest moment. He didn't know me. He didn't even hold a conversation with me personally that day. But he spoke to the couple beside us, and when he got up to go back for his treatment, spoke to the entire waiting room. He said that even though he was there for treatment, he was superb because of all that Jesus had done for him so far. He said that he had been in a place where he couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair, but "look at me now" he said, and he danced across the floor to the nurse. I was so impacted by him that day. I knew the Lord had sent him in there to lift me up. A few weeks later I found out that a friend actually knew him and his family. I got to go visit Mr. Fred and Ms. Doris in their home and what a wonderful, hallelujah worship time we had. Well, I learned a couple of weeks ago that Mr. Fred had gone on to be with the Lord. I will pray for his family and ask that you do, too; but I heard that his home-going was a mighty worship time. Although it saddened me for us here on earth to be without such a Godly, inspirational man, I couldn't help but smile when I thought of how Heaven must have felt when he walked through those gates. Mr. Fred was superb in spite of his trials because he had the love of Jesus in him and all around him. I was around him on only two separate occasions and he impacted my life. I can't imagine what an impact he had on those who knew him well. What a witness he was and will continue to be. So I tell you this to ask you to pray for his family, but also to say that it's true what the word says about entertaining angels unaware. We never know who's going to cross our path, and this week God heard my brokenness and healed me!! I want you to know that I'm not just praising God this week because of this healing, but I'm praising Him because I was reminded in a big, big way that not only can God move mountains and make rivers flow and allow us to feel safety in the valley, He let me stand on the top of those mountains and in the middle of that river and at the foot of that cross to show me what a mighty God He is!
I love you all,
Kacey
Saturday, July 6, 2013
One Red Rose
Have you ever had a breaking point...a time when you thought everything was going along just fine and then something little happens in your day to put you in a tailspin of emotion? Well, for me, that day was today. It hasn't been the first through this journey, but it's been a while. The latest news this week is that the MRI did NOT show the ovary that was missed during surgery. I prayed so hard that it would show up because I knew that, in human terms, everything would get complicated if it didn't. So when I was told this news, I had a rough day, but went to see my surgeon and we now have a plan. The first step is an injection that shuts down production of the ovaries. If my estrogen level falls dramatically this means there is indeed an ovary, it just can't be seen. What we do from that moment, I'm not sure. I'm back to trying to take things one step and one day at a time.
You would think this would have been the day I would have had my emotional breakdown, but it wasn't. What happened on this day was that I just felt "stuck". What I mean by "stuck" is that it seemed as if I had lost all ability to pray. I knew in my mind that there had been so much prayer for this MRI that obviously it wasn't in God's will for it to be seen yet. I also knew, and had asked Him, that whatever His will, to let it be done because I wanted to be on whatever road God wanted me on. I was upset that it couldn't be seen, but I was not at the point of thinking that God hadn't answered my prayer. I did, and still do, wholeheartedly believe that this was where I was supposed to be. But I couldn't pray. I couldn't say that to Him. I couldn't find the words to fit all of the emotions in my head and in my heart. Some emotions were good and some were of frustration and some were of wonder, but I could not find a way to talk to Him. I was letting my feelings of weariness win out over my ability to just talk to my Heavenly Father.
But God didn't move. He sat there and waited on me...patiently, lovingly, kindly...knowing all along I would get to a point where I had no place to go except to Him. That time came today...eight days after the MRI...five days after the results. I woke up fine. I felt good. My family felt good. Alan and the boys left to go play basketball at the rec center. I was alone and had all these grand plans for the time I was going to have alone. I got in the shower.....and fell apart. You couldn't tell whether it was the water running down my face or my tears. I just crumbled. I have cried out to God before, but I don't think I've literally "cried out" to God before today. I may have been heard outside, but I didn't care - I didn't even notice. I think it's been one of the few times that I've actually just let my emotions go and told God every single one of them. I told Him about my frustration and why. I told Him I was angry and why I was angry and how I was worried about my anger and how I didn't want to sin in my anger. I cried about my feelings being hurt by doctors, not because of the mistakes that have been made, but about how I've been forgotten. I told Him I sometimes feel so very tired of fighting. I told Him I was scared because this next leg of the journey seemed unstable. I would like you to know that I truly am not upset about the road I'm on. I know God has me here for a reason. But today I think that the last few weeks came crashing down. I told Him that the unknown is scary... because it is. I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and I know that He has everything under control and in His hands. But my lack of communication with Him over the last week or so crashed and crumbled and fell apart at the feet of Jesus in my shower. I was able to let it go and talk to Him like I should have done days ago, and by doing so, I was again in His presence feeling the peace that only He can bring. I realized that the only thing I had really talked to Jesus about were my emotions. I didn't ask Him to just fix my problems and make them all go away. But I did ask Him to bring me back to Him. I cried out to my Heavenly Daddy and asked Him to put his arms around me and hold me in His lap as His child. Because you see, God had never moved. It was me all along. I moved. I ran. I hid. I am the one that got stuck. Not Jesus. Never Jesus. He did just what I asked Him to do. He dried my tears. He held me. He listened to why I am so brokenhearted. Psalm 147:3-6 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power, His understanding is infinite. The Lord lifts up the humble.." (NKJV)
Last summer we decided to redo our flower gardens around our house. We decided to plant roses, and in honor of the journey of breast cancer, we planted all pink roses. Just the other day I was outside and noticed that among all those pink rose bushes was a single red bloom on one of them. One single red bloom on a big, pink rose bush, all alone. Precious Jesus reminded me of this rose today. I went to His word because I didn't think there was any significance to roses, but this is what I found. Song of Solomon 2:1 says, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys." (NKJV) I loved this because I've talked so much about how the valley is so very beautiful because of the lilies. Then Isaiah 35:1-2 says, "...And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose; It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice, even with joy and singing." (NKJV) Wow! This was so significant to me because if you know me, you know how much I talk about the different places God puts us in and the beauty He gives us while we're there. The desert is one of those places and that's where I feel like I am, but this verse tells us that He provides beauty for us wherever we are and we are supposed to rejoice, not just smile, but rejoice with singing! I didn't know when I first saw this rose why I was so drawn to it. But today, God reminded me of that single red rose and I felt so special. So I rejoiced and I sang! I smiled and thanked God for the rose and for reminding me of it today. I thanked Him for making me feel special when no one else could at that moment. I thanked Him for never moving and for waiting on me and for listening to me and for letting me cry out to Him. I thank Him because He knows how we're going to feel whether it's on the mountain or in the desert, so He puts beauty there to remind us that He's always in our presence. The Bible says that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. I smile because one single red rose bloom in the midst of hundreds of pink ones is not really alone, but connected by the vine. It is special and loved and cared for and never, ever left behind.
I love you all,
Kacey
You would think this would have been the day I would have had my emotional breakdown, but it wasn't. What happened on this day was that I just felt "stuck". What I mean by "stuck" is that it seemed as if I had lost all ability to pray. I knew in my mind that there had been so much prayer for this MRI that obviously it wasn't in God's will for it to be seen yet. I also knew, and had asked Him, that whatever His will, to let it be done because I wanted to be on whatever road God wanted me on. I was upset that it couldn't be seen, but I was not at the point of thinking that God hadn't answered my prayer. I did, and still do, wholeheartedly believe that this was where I was supposed to be. But I couldn't pray. I couldn't say that to Him. I couldn't find the words to fit all of the emotions in my head and in my heart. Some emotions were good and some were of frustration and some were of wonder, but I could not find a way to talk to Him. I was letting my feelings of weariness win out over my ability to just talk to my Heavenly Father.
But God didn't move. He sat there and waited on me...patiently, lovingly, kindly...knowing all along I would get to a point where I had no place to go except to Him. That time came today...eight days after the MRI...five days after the results. I woke up fine. I felt good. My family felt good. Alan and the boys left to go play basketball at the rec center. I was alone and had all these grand plans for the time I was going to have alone. I got in the shower.....and fell apart. You couldn't tell whether it was the water running down my face or my tears. I just crumbled. I have cried out to God before, but I don't think I've literally "cried out" to God before today. I may have been heard outside, but I didn't care - I didn't even notice. I think it's been one of the few times that I've actually just let my emotions go and told God every single one of them. I told Him about my frustration and why. I told Him I was angry and why I was angry and how I was worried about my anger and how I didn't want to sin in my anger. I cried about my feelings being hurt by doctors, not because of the mistakes that have been made, but about how I've been forgotten. I told Him I sometimes feel so very tired of fighting. I told Him I was scared because this next leg of the journey seemed unstable. I would like you to know that I truly am not upset about the road I'm on. I know God has me here for a reason. But today I think that the last few weeks came crashing down. I told Him that the unknown is scary... because it is. I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and I know that He has everything under control and in His hands. But my lack of communication with Him over the last week or so crashed and crumbled and fell apart at the feet of Jesus in my shower. I was able to let it go and talk to Him like I should have done days ago, and by doing so, I was again in His presence feeling the peace that only He can bring. I realized that the only thing I had really talked to Jesus about were my emotions. I didn't ask Him to just fix my problems and make them all go away. But I did ask Him to bring me back to Him. I cried out to my Heavenly Daddy and asked Him to put his arms around me and hold me in His lap as His child. Because you see, God had never moved. It was me all along. I moved. I ran. I hid. I am the one that got stuck. Not Jesus. Never Jesus. He did just what I asked Him to do. He dried my tears. He held me. He listened to why I am so brokenhearted. Psalm 147:3-6 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars, He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power, His understanding is infinite. The Lord lifts up the humble.." (NKJV)
Last summer we decided to redo our flower gardens around our house. We decided to plant roses, and in honor of the journey of breast cancer, we planted all pink roses. Just the other day I was outside and noticed that among all those pink rose bushes was a single red bloom on one of them. One single red bloom on a big, pink rose bush, all alone. Precious Jesus reminded me of this rose today. I went to His word because I didn't think there was any significance to roses, but this is what I found. Song of Solomon 2:1 says, "I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys." (NKJV) I loved this because I've talked so much about how the valley is so very beautiful because of the lilies. Then Isaiah 35:1-2 says, "...And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose; It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice, even with joy and singing." (NKJV) Wow! This was so significant to me because if you know me, you know how much I talk about the different places God puts us in and the beauty He gives us while we're there. The desert is one of those places and that's where I feel like I am, but this verse tells us that He provides beauty for us wherever we are and we are supposed to rejoice, not just smile, but rejoice with singing! I didn't know when I first saw this rose why I was so drawn to it. But today, God reminded me of that single red rose and I felt so special. So I rejoiced and I sang! I smiled and thanked God for the rose and for reminding me of it today. I thanked Him for making me feel special when no one else could at that moment. I thanked Him for never moving and for waiting on me and for listening to me and for letting me cry out to Him. I thank Him because He knows how we're going to feel whether it's on the mountain or in the desert, so He puts beauty there to remind us that He's always in our presence. The Bible says that Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. I smile because one single red rose bloom in the midst of hundreds of pink ones is not really alone, but connected by the vine. It is special and loved and cared for and never, ever left behind.
I love you all,
Kacey
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Wading through Walmart
This past Saturday I had the wonderful idea of letting the boys and Alan stay home and have "boy" time while I went alone to get groceries at Walmart. Sometimes, as a mother and/or wife, if you need a little time alone this is the perfect place to go because it is a place where there are endless aisles of things to look at, and of course the must-haves that you never knew you needed. But when you go with your husband and/or children, instead of getting to look at things peacefully and getting to take your time to make just the right purchases, you only get to look at their sad, desperate "when are we getting out of here" faces; therefore, the entire experience is a nightmare. So, I decided to go alone. On this particular day I didn't mind it - I was even looking forward to a little solitude (if that can be found in Walmart). I had all the time I wanted; I was happy; I had my list that had been carefully entered into my phone; my coupons were clipped; I was ready to go.
It started off wrong from the start. I did not see a man in a white truck waiting in the main lane to turn down an aisle for a parking spot, so when I put on my blinker, he roared passed me angrily. I would not have stolen the spot from him. I was there for solitude and alone time. I didn't care to circle around or park far away. But, when he stormed away, I took that as a sign that the spot was meant for me. :) But, as I started to get out of my car, I noticed his truck parked at the end of the lane and paranoid me felt like he was just waiting for me to get out of my car to either run over me, confront me, or key my car. So, I decided to just wait and see what he was going to do and just sat in my car and listened to music. It turns out he was just waiting for someone to come out of the store, and I don't think he even remembered the spot he was wanting. How's that for being paranoid?!
I then proceeded into the store, and I always start on the non-food side first. I got my shampoo and toothpaste and was looking in the bath towels for a soap dispenser for our bathroom. I had already been up and down one aisle and remembered there were some on the other side. I saw an end-cap opening and was going to go through there, but noticed a man and his wife looking for picture frames. I could tell she was a bit frustrated and I heard her say "Really?" I thought she was asking her husband that question about the frames. I was turning my buggy around to go the other way when she told me to come on through. She stepped aside (she did not even have a buggy), and I went through, said excuse me, smiled, and said thank you. She then looked at me and said, "Really? You could have walked all the way down that aisle and gone the long way, but you chose to come through this spot right now? That is very bold and rude of you." Well, I was stunned. I thought she had invited me through. I was going to turn around and not bother them, but she waits until I get through the opening, which, by the way, took all of two or three seconds, to yell at me. I didn't say anything, but was very upset. I started back down the aisle and could see her still talking about me, explaining to her husband that no one was around and I should have just gone the long way around. I don't think he was pleased with her from what I could tell. So, I said, "okay, Jesus, help me talk to her, but in the right way". I then approached her again and said, "Excuse me, ma'am. I am sorry. I don't think you noticed, but I was going to turn my buggy around and go the other way until you stepped aside and invited me through." She said she was in a "mood", but never apologized and still thought I was in the wrong! This is where I know God took over because instead of being able to say anything, I just looked at her and started crying! Yes, here I am, a grown woman, tears streaming down my face, standing right smack dab in the middle of Walmart! I told her she was so rude and I thought her husband was going to cry right along with me. I turned and went on my way but could absolutely not stop my tears. I mean, you think you can go into Walmart, which sometimes is like the land of the lost, but believe me, you become noticed when you start to cry. People were looking at me with those looks - you know, the looks that say "well, bless her heart, if they don't have the right color towel here for her, Bed, Bath and Beyond might have it". But I kept going and thought I was very brave to stay in the store and complete my shopping. However, news travels fast in my family, and when my son called to ask me a question and could tell I was upset, that started an avalanche of phone calls from my husband, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law who were on their way to the beach. And each phone call required me to recount the story again, which brought about another round of fresh tears. So, there are lots of people out there today thinking that Walmart was just fresh out of everything I needed! :)
I tell you this story (and it's a true story) because I learned a lot that day. One, I learned that the tongue is a very powerful weapon. No wonder it is spoken of so many times throughout the Bible. James 3:8 says, "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." (NKJV) Did Jesus stop me from speaking something I would have regretted later by allowing me to cry? Maybe! But on the other hand I wish I would have been able to tell her about Jesus. See, we don't ever know what kind of day someone is having, or if they are hurting in a way that can't be seen from the outside. We can't know what's in their heart or mind or home or life. But being on the receiving end of her hurtfulness I learned how words can crush a person's spirit in just a matter of a moment. She had no idea where I've been or where I'm headed.
See, I feel like I've been in "fight" mode for the last year and a half. I thought I was there this time. But my estrogen levels are too high...higher, in fact, than they've ever been. So my next step is to have an MRI to try and locate it. I haven't gone out too far into the future because I think it means another surgery and that makes me want to cry all over again. So, I'm going back to what Jesus has tried to teach me all along - one day at a time.
Another thing I realized that day in Walmart is that I had reached a breaking point - a point where just one more thing at that particular time was one thing too many. I realized I needed a time out to rest and wrap my head around what's coming. We're never really sure what's coming because we're not promised tomorrow, but I do know that I have turned down another road on this journey and I'm headed into places unknown. I also know that this road is going to be long. But, if you know me, you've heard me talk before about the mountains and valleys and deserts. You've heard me talk about all the beauty that waits in each place for us when we arrive. There's a song that talks about these very places and it says that when we're in the canyon, Jesus is our guide. He's my guide and I trust that He's guiding me where He wants me to go. There's a part of me that really can't wait to see what God has in store this time because even though I know I'm headed down a new path following behind the footsteps of my Savior, I know He's got me covered under His wings. Psalm 91:4-6; and 11 says, "He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield; You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday", verse 11 "For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways." (NKJV) Well, I think that says it all! There's no room for fear!
So, I will take this new road and enjoy the beautiful scenery. The breast cancer website had a quote the other day that said "A strong woman believes that she's strong enough to face her journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong! I've become stronger through this journey with Jesus. He has carried me and held me and loved me each step of the way, and I know He's not going to stop now. I take rest in Him and know that having faith means that if God sent this to me, it must be good.
So, because of my experience this week I will watch what I say and how I say it. I will realize that I know nothing of the stranger in front of me, regardless of the smile they show. I will realize that one small word can bring someone up or tear someone down in just a moment. I will put on my full Armor of God, go back to Walmart and take the long way around the aisle next time!
I love you all,
Kacey
It started off wrong from the start. I did not see a man in a white truck waiting in the main lane to turn down an aisle for a parking spot, so when I put on my blinker, he roared passed me angrily. I would not have stolen the spot from him. I was there for solitude and alone time. I didn't care to circle around or park far away. But, when he stormed away, I took that as a sign that the spot was meant for me. :) But, as I started to get out of my car, I noticed his truck parked at the end of the lane and paranoid me felt like he was just waiting for me to get out of my car to either run over me, confront me, or key my car. So, I decided to just wait and see what he was going to do and just sat in my car and listened to music. It turns out he was just waiting for someone to come out of the store, and I don't think he even remembered the spot he was wanting. How's that for being paranoid?!
I then proceeded into the store, and I always start on the non-food side first. I got my shampoo and toothpaste and was looking in the bath towels for a soap dispenser for our bathroom. I had already been up and down one aisle and remembered there were some on the other side. I saw an end-cap opening and was going to go through there, but noticed a man and his wife looking for picture frames. I could tell she was a bit frustrated and I heard her say "Really?" I thought she was asking her husband that question about the frames. I was turning my buggy around to go the other way when she told me to come on through. She stepped aside (she did not even have a buggy), and I went through, said excuse me, smiled, and said thank you. She then looked at me and said, "Really? You could have walked all the way down that aisle and gone the long way, but you chose to come through this spot right now? That is very bold and rude of you." Well, I was stunned. I thought she had invited me through. I was going to turn around and not bother them, but she waits until I get through the opening, which, by the way, took all of two or three seconds, to yell at me. I didn't say anything, but was very upset. I started back down the aisle and could see her still talking about me, explaining to her husband that no one was around and I should have just gone the long way around. I don't think he was pleased with her from what I could tell. So, I said, "okay, Jesus, help me talk to her, but in the right way". I then approached her again and said, "Excuse me, ma'am. I am sorry. I don't think you noticed, but I was going to turn my buggy around and go the other way until you stepped aside and invited me through." She said she was in a "mood", but never apologized and still thought I was in the wrong! This is where I know God took over because instead of being able to say anything, I just looked at her and started crying! Yes, here I am, a grown woman, tears streaming down my face, standing right smack dab in the middle of Walmart! I told her she was so rude and I thought her husband was going to cry right along with me. I turned and went on my way but could absolutely not stop my tears. I mean, you think you can go into Walmart, which sometimes is like the land of the lost, but believe me, you become noticed when you start to cry. People were looking at me with those looks - you know, the looks that say "well, bless her heart, if they don't have the right color towel here for her, Bed, Bath and Beyond might have it". But I kept going and thought I was very brave to stay in the store and complete my shopping. However, news travels fast in my family, and when my son called to ask me a question and could tell I was upset, that started an avalanche of phone calls from my husband, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law who were on their way to the beach. And each phone call required me to recount the story again, which brought about another round of fresh tears. So, there are lots of people out there today thinking that Walmart was just fresh out of everything I needed! :)
I tell you this story (and it's a true story) because I learned a lot that day. One, I learned that the tongue is a very powerful weapon. No wonder it is spoken of so many times throughout the Bible. James 3:8 says, "But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." (NKJV) Did Jesus stop me from speaking something I would have regretted later by allowing me to cry? Maybe! But on the other hand I wish I would have been able to tell her about Jesus. See, we don't ever know what kind of day someone is having, or if they are hurting in a way that can't be seen from the outside. We can't know what's in their heart or mind or home or life. But being on the receiving end of her hurtfulness I learned how words can crush a person's spirit in just a matter of a moment. She had no idea where I've been or where I'm headed.
See, I feel like I've been in "fight" mode for the last year and a half. I thought I was there this time. But my estrogen levels are too high...higher, in fact, than they've ever been. So my next step is to have an MRI to try and locate it. I haven't gone out too far into the future because I think it means another surgery and that makes me want to cry all over again. So, I'm going back to what Jesus has tried to teach me all along - one day at a time.
Another thing I realized that day in Walmart is that I had reached a breaking point - a point where just one more thing at that particular time was one thing too many. I realized I needed a time out to rest and wrap my head around what's coming. We're never really sure what's coming because we're not promised tomorrow, but I do know that I have turned down another road on this journey and I'm headed into places unknown. I also know that this road is going to be long. But, if you know me, you've heard me talk before about the mountains and valleys and deserts. You've heard me talk about all the beauty that waits in each place for us when we arrive. There's a song that talks about these very places and it says that when we're in the canyon, Jesus is our guide. He's my guide and I trust that He's guiding me where He wants me to go. There's a part of me that really can't wait to see what God has in store this time because even though I know I'm headed down a new path following behind the footsteps of my Savior, I know He's got me covered under His wings. Psalm 91:4-6; and 11 says, "He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield; You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday", verse 11 "For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways." (NKJV) Well, I think that says it all! There's no room for fear!
So, I will take this new road and enjoy the beautiful scenery. The breast cancer website had a quote the other day that said "A strong woman believes that she's strong enough to face her journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong! I've become stronger through this journey with Jesus. He has carried me and held me and loved me each step of the way, and I know He's not going to stop now. I take rest in Him and know that having faith means that if God sent this to me, it must be good.
So, because of my experience this week I will watch what I say and how I say it. I will realize that I know nothing of the stranger in front of me, regardless of the smile they show. I will realize that one small word can bring someone up or tear someone down in just a moment. I will put on my full Armor of God, go back to Walmart and take the long way around the aisle next time!
I love you all,
Kacey
Friday, May 31, 2013
Armor of God
This week has been the week that I have my mammogram and breast MRI. Since cancer, I now get these tests done every six months. I'm not complaining about that because I think it's great that my doctor is keeping such a close eye on things. But that doesn't make this week any easier or less worrisome. I wasn't really nervous as much this time, but there's always that hint of "what if" that lingers in the back of your mind until you hear the doctor say that everything looks great. So, with my mom in tow, we head to the hospital for the breast MRI first and then on to the imaging center for the mammogram. I'd like to just talk about what this one day is like for someone who's had cancer. It really does take a while to realize just how much your life has been changed and how it will never go back to the way it was before. The breast MRI room is much like the room where you have radiation, only smaller. But because it is smaller, the machine looks so, so big and ominous. It's a closed MRI, too, so you have to go all the way in, which can be smothering. The girl that gets me set up is precious, and I've gotten to know her, so she knows me and my mom when we get there. This helps because she makes it seem very routine, even though we all know that everything can change in the next 25 minutes (that's how long the MRI lasts). She jokes and tells me to close my eyes and go to a beach somewhere and relax. But I immediately go to the Lord. He is my everything, so it helps me just to talk to Him. I also take with me my favorite verse, which most of you know is Joshua 1:9..."Be strong and of good courage, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." During the 25 minutes it's very hard not to just constantly beg and plead and say "please don't let there be anything there, please don't let there be anything there" over and over again, which trust me, I have done. But this time, I just asked the Lord to be there with me. Now, if you've heard me talk or know me, you'll know that throughout the last year and a half of this journey the Lord has allowed me to see two angels. It has been an incredible experience. I've learned a lot about angels, and I'll share that another day. But during the MRI, I asked the Lord to let me feel an angel. I've seen one, but I haven't heard one or felt one...yet. So I did begin to relax (as much as you can) and just talk with the Lord. I am laying face down during this test, so I cannot see anything around me. I also have my arms over my head, not out to the side, so I'm pretty much just laying straight out. But about half-way through I began to feel a small, slight flutter upon my back, but covering me completely. In my mind's eye it didn't seem as if what I felt could even fit in the machine, but I felt very warm and safe...the sounds of the machine just faded into the background. I believe an angel was hovering over me. The presence of God is so amazing and wonderful. I can't imagine what Heaven is going to be like when we are in the constant presence of the Almighty, if what we can feel here on earth is so incredible. The test was over before I knew it, which is a praise in itself because that usually doesn't happen when you know someone is searching for cancer in your body. I didn't even feel the dye that is injected about ten minutes before the test is done. I'd like to thank that angel for that distraction! :) So the girl comes in, helps me out of the machine and says things look great. One step down and two to go!
My mom and I then go on to the mammogram. We've both gotten to know these ladies as well, and they are so called to do what they do. I hope they each know that God has given them a gift and a calling for their jobs. My mammogram is done, and now you just sit and wait for a radiologist to read it before you go home. This is good because there's no waiting several days for the phone to ring. But I must say that waiting for the radiologist to read your films is very difficult. But this week everything looked great. Praise the Lord!!
The last step for this six months is the visit to the doctor to go over all the results. I visited her and she said everything was good. Sometimes you don't really realize how much you've waited to hear those words until they are spoken. Now this day is over...until it comes around again in six months.
You may wonder why I've told you what this day and this time is like. It's not because I want you to see what I go through, but it's because I want you to see what God can do for you when you go through it. "IT" doesn't even have to be cancer. It can be anything that can change your life...anything that will turn your world upside down...anything that will either turn you away from God, or make you run toward Him. "IT" can also be an everyday worry that you struggle with. I tell you this because I've been asked if this has been hard for me, or if it's been easy just to give it over to God. It's not easy. It's never easy. I'm not sure it will ever be easy. I never want to be misunderstood when I talk of this journey, but my story, my journey is about God. I want to use it for Him and His glory. I don't share scriptures because I have such a great handle on everything. I share scripture because without it, I would have no hope. I would have nothing to hold on to. I don't share the magnificent things God has allowed me to see for any other reason than to let you know that you can have these things, too. I want you to capture every blessing and every glimpse that God has in store for you. He tells us to ask - you have not because you ask not. Don't miss the beautiful sunsets, and the way the clouds can form to look like an angel that's put there just for you. Don't miss the way the clouds look with just a hint of sunshine coming through, as if that's what it will look like when He comes back to get us. Listen for the birds and how they sing. Look for Him in the laughter of your children and loved ones and in the smile of a stranger. I tell you this so you will know that I'm just a girl...a girl that got cancer and tried to find a way to deal with it...a girl that's blessed and healed here on earth for now, for today, for this visit, for my true healing will come when I get to Heaven. I tell you this because it's a battle and during a battle you fight and you cry and you fall down and you stand up and you scream and you hit your pillow and you pull the covers over your head. But what I want you to know most is that what God has done for me, He can do for you. He helped me run toward Him. You can run, too. He told me there is hope, and there is hope for you, too. I am trying to learn to not sweat the small stuff. :) I am trying to learn to take one day at a time...after all, we might not even have tomorrow. He's trying to teach me that what's important is that everyone know Him, that it's important for us to show others of His love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. He's teaching me to put on His full armor and stand in His presence under His wings. I put on His armor because He promises us an armor in His word. In Ephesians 6:10-20 it says "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on His full armor so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people. Pray for me also, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." (NKJV) So it's not an easy battle, but we are well equipped for the fight because of Jesus. We take our journeys and try and see God, then we share it with others, so the hope and beauty and magnificence will spread. So I tell you all of this because I believe God wants me to put on His full armor, go through the battle, find the blessings inside and tell it. So remember, it's not about me, it's only about Him, for whenever I speak, I pray He will give me words to speak to declare fearlessly what He has, can, and continues to do. So, put on your armor, pick up your shield of faith and soldier on!
I love you all,
Kacey
My mom and I then go on to the mammogram. We've both gotten to know these ladies as well, and they are so called to do what they do. I hope they each know that God has given them a gift and a calling for their jobs. My mammogram is done, and now you just sit and wait for a radiologist to read it before you go home. This is good because there's no waiting several days for the phone to ring. But I must say that waiting for the radiologist to read your films is very difficult. But this week everything looked great. Praise the Lord!!
The last step for this six months is the visit to the doctor to go over all the results. I visited her and she said everything was good. Sometimes you don't really realize how much you've waited to hear those words until they are spoken. Now this day is over...until it comes around again in six months.
You may wonder why I've told you what this day and this time is like. It's not because I want you to see what I go through, but it's because I want you to see what God can do for you when you go through it. "IT" doesn't even have to be cancer. It can be anything that can change your life...anything that will turn your world upside down...anything that will either turn you away from God, or make you run toward Him. "IT" can also be an everyday worry that you struggle with. I tell you this because I've been asked if this has been hard for me, or if it's been easy just to give it over to God. It's not easy. It's never easy. I'm not sure it will ever be easy. I never want to be misunderstood when I talk of this journey, but my story, my journey is about God. I want to use it for Him and His glory. I don't share scriptures because I have such a great handle on everything. I share scripture because without it, I would have no hope. I would have nothing to hold on to. I don't share the magnificent things God has allowed me to see for any other reason than to let you know that you can have these things, too. I want you to capture every blessing and every glimpse that God has in store for you. He tells us to ask - you have not because you ask not. Don't miss the beautiful sunsets, and the way the clouds can form to look like an angel that's put there just for you. Don't miss the way the clouds look with just a hint of sunshine coming through, as if that's what it will look like when He comes back to get us. Listen for the birds and how they sing. Look for Him in the laughter of your children and loved ones and in the smile of a stranger. I tell you this so you will know that I'm just a girl...a girl that got cancer and tried to find a way to deal with it...a girl that's blessed and healed here on earth for now, for today, for this visit, for my true healing will come when I get to Heaven. I tell you this because it's a battle and during a battle you fight and you cry and you fall down and you stand up and you scream and you hit your pillow and you pull the covers over your head. But what I want you to know most is that what God has done for me, He can do for you. He helped me run toward Him. You can run, too. He told me there is hope, and there is hope for you, too. I am trying to learn to not sweat the small stuff. :) I am trying to learn to take one day at a time...after all, we might not even have tomorrow. He's trying to teach me that what's important is that everyone know Him, that it's important for us to show others of His love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. He's teaching me to put on His full armor and stand in His presence under His wings. I put on His armor because He promises us an armor in His word. In Ephesians 6:10-20 it says "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on His full armor so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people. Pray for me also, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." (NKJV) So it's not an easy battle, but we are well equipped for the fight because of Jesus. We take our journeys and try and see God, then we share it with others, so the hope and beauty and magnificence will spread. So I tell you all of this because I believe God wants me to put on His full armor, go through the battle, find the blessings inside and tell it. So remember, it's not about me, it's only about Him, for whenever I speak, I pray He will give me words to speak to declare fearlessly what He has, can, and continues to do. So, put on your armor, pick up your shield of faith and soldier on!
I love you all,
Kacey
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Pray Without Ceasing
Isaiah 43:2-3 says: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Oh, how wonderful that promise is from our Heavenly Father. It covers everything, from something that's small, but big to us, all the way through the fire.
I am overjoyed with the love of Jesus. He is our rock and our fortress, and He tells us that He "will be a father to us, and we shall be His sons and daughters" (2 Corinthians 6:18). How magnificent is it to be a daughter or son of Christ Jesus?! For me, I don't know what I would do without Him. I have been going through a breast cancer journey that has changed me, made me different, made me look for God, made me realize how precious every moment should be. During this time, I have realized that what God really wants from us is our undivided love and attention...to pray without ceasing. I have wondered how that could be possible and what that meant. How could anyone just pray all day without ceasing? What would you say - could you run out of things to talk about? Well, God has shown me over this journey thus far that it is possible to pray without ceasing. It's all about our heart and our mind.
I have said many times that breast cancer for me has not been all bad, that I wouldn't want cancer again, but that I would not go back and change one thing. I am sitting here today waiting...waiting on test results and estrogen levels. You see, most of the time when a big trial comes along we don't just face it quickly and move on. Usually, if it's a big trial for us, it puts us in a state of not knowing what to do, where to turn, or how to fix it. That's what breast cancer has been for me. Each path that I've traveled has had another road turning off to the side that I hadn't anticipated. Yet, with each turn I've been able to see God in the distance waiting on me. I am back on my cancer medicine; I've had a second surgery to remove an ovary that wasn't gotten during the first hysterectomy surgery. With a hysterectomy my estrogen level is supposed to be lower than 32. It was 169! So, they went in a second time to get the "remnant" of the ovary left behind. We still don't know if they got it. The level is now 78. Why do I tell you this? Because that level is still too high, the doctors can't find the small part of ovary that has been left behind, and because I am to have faith that God has it under control. Now, I have been on this cancer walk for a year and a half. You would think that I would have mastered the wait and see, take one day at a time because God's got it approach. But, no. See, God knows me better than anyone. When waiting for this last estrogen level to come back, I didn't wait in total confidence and think that whatever it is will be fine. No, I prayed "please, please, please let the level be 10, Lord". :) Why? Because I thought that if the level came back at 32 or lower, then everything was going to be okay "for sure". And well, how much better would it be for the level to be 10? What God told me instead was, your level may be 78 but how do you know things aren't okay "for sure"? Wait on me. Listen to me. Trust me. Have faith in me. Walk with me. I read something the other day that said that faith doesn't mean that because something good is happening to you that the Lord must have sent it; but faith says, God sent this to me, so it must be good. After really studying that I realized that when something comes our way that we may see as bad, if God sent it to us, it WILL be good and it will be for His glory and praise. It took a lot of tears of frustration before I realized that God wants me to trust Him totally and completely, without fear and frustration. He wants me to give it up and go about my day with joy in my heart. So I'm trying to learn, and I'm trying to get there, but some days are so much harder than others. Sometimes it seems as if He's not there, but He is. He's watching over us, maybe waiting to see what we do. Will we run to Him? Oh, I can talk to Him about it because He's always there listening for me, for He never sleeps nor slumbers. I can ask Him questions because I am His daughter and He gave His son to die for me. I can cry because He's there to wipe away my tears. I can tell Him of my fears and He will calm the storm and say "Peace be still". I can see Him do something miraculous and say thank you and praise Him for it. I can do all of these things and He is there, helping me and guiding me along the way. But do you know what else I've done? I've prayed without ceasing! Yes, having Him on the forefront of our hearts and minds, and going to Him with all our concerns, big or small, is continuous communication, which is praying without ceasing. Someday, when we get to Heaven, we'll be able to praise Him for all of these things without ceasing, and what a glorious and wonderful time that will be!
So see, just like He promises in Isaiah, whether it's the calmer waters, or the rivers that flow, or the fire that comes, He is our Lord, our God, and our Savior. He's waiting on us to welcome Him in; welcoming us to see His beauty around us. Look around you and you will see Him in everything you see and do, from the sounds of the birds, or the voices of your loved ones, to the smile of a stranger, or a beautiful moon that lights up the sky as if it were day, to the quiet stillness that only He can bring. If you are going through an illness or a broken relationship, or financial issues, or knowing a friend or loved one is lost, or anything in your path that's big, it's big to God, too. So, run to Him, for "whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" (Psalm 91:1). I love resting under His shadow. There's no safer, quieter, more gentle, loving place to be.
I love you all,
Kacey
I am overjoyed with the love of Jesus. He is our rock and our fortress, and He tells us that He "will be a father to us, and we shall be His sons and daughters" (2 Corinthians 6:18). How magnificent is it to be a daughter or son of Christ Jesus?! For me, I don't know what I would do without Him. I have been going through a breast cancer journey that has changed me, made me different, made me look for God, made me realize how precious every moment should be. During this time, I have realized that what God really wants from us is our undivided love and attention...to pray without ceasing. I have wondered how that could be possible and what that meant. How could anyone just pray all day without ceasing? What would you say - could you run out of things to talk about? Well, God has shown me over this journey thus far that it is possible to pray without ceasing. It's all about our heart and our mind.
I have said many times that breast cancer for me has not been all bad, that I wouldn't want cancer again, but that I would not go back and change one thing. I am sitting here today waiting...waiting on test results and estrogen levels. You see, most of the time when a big trial comes along we don't just face it quickly and move on. Usually, if it's a big trial for us, it puts us in a state of not knowing what to do, where to turn, or how to fix it. That's what breast cancer has been for me. Each path that I've traveled has had another road turning off to the side that I hadn't anticipated. Yet, with each turn I've been able to see God in the distance waiting on me. I am back on my cancer medicine; I've had a second surgery to remove an ovary that wasn't gotten during the first hysterectomy surgery. With a hysterectomy my estrogen level is supposed to be lower than 32. It was 169! So, they went in a second time to get the "remnant" of the ovary left behind. We still don't know if they got it. The level is now 78. Why do I tell you this? Because that level is still too high, the doctors can't find the small part of ovary that has been left behind, and because I am to have faith that God has it under control. Now, I have been on this cancer walk for a year and a half. You would think that I would have mastered the wait and see, take one day at a time because God's got it approach. But, no. See, God knows me better than anyone. When waiting for this last estrogen level to come back, I didn't wait in total confidence and think that whatever it is will be fine. No, I prayed "please, please, please let the level be 10, Lord". :) Why? Because I thought that if the level came back at 32 or lower, then everything was going to be okay "for sure". And well, how much better would it be for the level to be 10? What God told me instead was, your level may be 78 but how do you know things aren't okay "for sure"? Wait on me. Listen to me. Trust me. Have faith in me. Walk with me. I read something the other day that said that faith doesn't mean that because something good is happening to you that the Lord must have sent it; but faith says, God sent this to me, so it must be good. After really studying that I realized that when something comes our way that we may see as bad, if God sent it to us, it WILL be good and it will be for His glory and praise. It took a lot of tears of frustration before I realized that God wants me to trust Him totally and completely, without fear and frustration. He wants me to give it up and go about my day with joy in my heart. So I'm trying to learn, and I'm trying to get there, but some days are so much harder than others. Sometimes it seems as if He's not there, but He is. He's watching over us, maybe waiting to see what we do. Will we run to Him? Oh, I can talk to Him about it because He's always there listening for me, for He never sleeps nor slumbers. I can ask Him questions because I am His daughter and He gave His son to die for me. I can cry because He's there to wipe away my tears. I can tell Him of my fears and He will calm the storm and say "Peace be still". I can see Him do something miraculous and say thank you and praise Him for it. I can do all of these things and He is there, helping me and guiding me along the way. But do you know what else I've done? I've prayed without ceasing! Yes, having Him on the forefront of our hearts and minds, and going to Him with all our concerns, big or small, is continuous communication, which is praying without ceasing. Someday, when we get to Heaven, we'll be able to praise Him for all of these things without ceasing, and what a glorious and wonderful time that will be!
So see, just like He promises in Isaiah, whether it's the calmer waters, or the rivers that flow, or the fire that comes, He is our Lord, our God, and our Savior. He's waiting on us to welcome Him in; welcoming us to see His beauty around us. Look around you and you will see Him in everything you see and do, from the sounds of the birds, or the voices of your loved ones, to the smile of a stranger, or a beautiful moon that lights up the sky as if it were day, to the quiet stillness that only He can bring. If you are going through an illness or a broken relationship, or financial issues, or knowing a friend or loved one is lost, or anything in your path that's big, it's big to God, too. So, run to Him, for "whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" (Psalm 91:1). I love resting under His shadow. There's no safer, quieter, more gentle, loving place to be.
I love you all,
Kacey
Sunday, April 14, 2013
A Visit With Jesus!
I can hardly contain the ways God has been in the midst of this last surgery, so I have to share. First of all, the surgery went well and the doctor removed four areas of tissue that appeared to be the ovarian tissue we were looking for. I pray it was. I will know for sure in the next few days. Secondly, the surgery was extensive in the fact that the doctor actually moved all the organs she could to make sure nothing was left this time. She said she literally picked up my appendix, gallbladder, colon, bladder, etc, so my pain has been quite bad. So I must thank you for your prayers because when you all started praying for my pain to ease up, I knew it! My pain is much better and now I am just trying to get to a point where I'm not so tired. That day is coming, too!
The entire day was miraculous in so many ways and this is what I can hardly contain. I want to share it and let you experience it with me. A wonderful friend shared an email with me the day before surgery with Psalm 121 attached to it. It was encouraging and peaceful, and on the morning drive to the hospital, I read it aloud for me and my husband. The Psalm tells us that our help comes from the Lord and that He does not slumber or sleep, giving us 24 hour protection. This gave me peace. I then looked out my window and the sky was beautiful. There was a bright light coming forth from some dark clouds that morning, which reminded me of the title of my blog "Seeing the SON Through the Darkness of Breast Cancer". I could feel the SON watching over me on our drive. Next, as we enter the hospital to check in, the girl at the desk has a verse in Psalm printed out and displayed. That gave me the chance to tell her how much seeing that verse helped me and tell her about Psalm 121. By this time, I can feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me. Then there was a gentleman who came and got us to take us upstairs to my room. When I asked him how he was his response was "Blessed and highly favored". That brought forth another conversation. I told him how God was all over that hospital that day and how comforting it was. You see, these weren't coincidences. These were GODINCIDENCES! They were angels God placed in my path. There were several other things and people that came through that were whispers of God's presence and I felt a warmth all around me. But what I want to share next is the best!
This surgery was my fourth in just a little over a year. Before my second and third surgeries I asked the Lord to give me a glimpse of Him during my surgery. I was timid in asking, making sure He knew for sure (like He didn't) :) that I didn't want to die to see a glimpse of Heaven, but that I wanted to see something nonetheless. I asked with a little more confidence before my third surgery, but woke up not having seen anything. That was okay with me, whatever He wants is what I want, and I just thought that maybe I had escaped having my heart stop or something going wrong during surgery. So, prior to this last surgery I had a very difficult time accepting that I had to have another one. I felt this one was unnecessary...the doctor left something behind...why was this happening. So I finally accept what is, and remember what God revealed to me when I saw an angel. You have not because you ask not. I am learning. I pray specific, no matter how insignificant or grand it may seem, and I pray big. Our God is big and there's nothing He can't do if it's His will. So...with more confidence and much more faith, I ask again for God to give me a glimpse of Heaven or of Jesus or of any of the children I have lost. I have had three miscarriages and I always wondered if I ever had a girl and thought that would be nice to know if He was willing to show me. I ask these things this time with expectation. The nurse that came and got me for surgery told me flat out "You have an angel". She's right, I did, but how did she know? She also told me what would be happening during surgery and for me to just pick out a good dream. My response was "I want to see Jesus". Here's what happened next.
I remember them putting the mask on my face and closing my eyes. It has taken me a few days to actually comprehend what I saw and what happened, but I want to take you there. Right before I woke up, I saw Jesus! He was standing a little distance away from me. He had a white robe on and down the middle of the robe was the color blue. He smiled and I thought He reached His hand out to me and then was gone. But I felt in my spirit there was more, so as I've been resting, I've been praying and asking God to reveal all that I saw. He answered me and showed me. I saw a light that was white, but it was like a tunnel, and I was traveling through it very fast. But it wasn't a light that was so blinding that I felt like I was dying. It was almost like it was just a road on which I was traveling. Next, I am standing beside Jesus, and I don't see Him full in the face at this time, He is just holding my arm, as if guiding me and helping me walk as someone would help after surgery. We come to an enormous, black, iron, ornate gate. There were no pearls or anything, but it was black and fancy and big, and it opened to the inside. The gate opened and He led me just inside. We didn't go far, just inside the gate. The gown I had on during surgery was green, but here my gown was blue with specks on it. In the distance I could see a huge structure. It was made of stone, the color brown with a red tint, but it was huge and had several different roof lines and tips. Behind it I saw a blue sky with one white cloud, and in front was water. The water was a blue unlike any other. It looked like a pond or a river that was very calm, and in its reflection I could see the building and the sky and the white cloud. I don't remember saying anything, just looking around in awe, trying to take it all in. Then suddenly, there was a little girl, her hair was blond and wavy and long. Her hair was almost as long as she was tall. She had on a white robe and her face, well, it is almost indescribable. It shone, almost as if someone was shining a light on it, and she was laughing. She was running, doing circle eights around me and then between me and Jesus, and then around Him and then through us again, laughing all the time. I can still hear her giggle. I just watched and looked. No words were spoken, but she was exquisite - the building and the water and the sky and the cloud and the gate, everything, was exquisite. Then the next thing I saw was what I saw first - Jesus, standing a distance away from me. He did smile, but He didn't reach out His hand toward me, He waved and nodded, as if to say "you're welcome, I'll see you later". He looked like what we think about sometimes, except his hair was darker than I imagined. It was long and wavy and He had a beard and mustache. His skin was darker than I imagined as well, not really, really dark, but not white either. It was amazing!
I believe He answered my prayer. I believe I saw Him. I believe I saw a glimpse of Heaven. And I believe I saw my daughter. One thing I want to try to explain is the amount of peace I felt. I felt no fear, no worry, no hurt. And what has stuck with me, too, is I think before all of this I believed if I could ever get a glimpse of a child I had lost I would want to bring it here with me. I think I thought it would make me sad. I'm not sad, and I didn't want to bring her here. Let me explain. First, if any of the three children I lost had been born, we would not have Jonah. I was told I would never have children, so I firmly and faithfully believe that my boys have a calling on their lives. So I know God gave us Jonah for a reason. Secondly, I want to see God's plan for Max and Jonah fulfilled and can't wait to see what that is. But if I could have brought that little girl back with me I would not have done it. She was happy and free and beautiful and I would not want to take that away from her. She was at such peace and the way she played at Jesus' feet was magical to watch. She had no pain and no fear and no worries about tomorrow. She had Jesus. She had freedom to run and play and she had light with no darkness. I believe she is an angel and she was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen. I would not remove her from that. It gives me peace and comfort to know that we have that to look forward to. I have a new sense of what forever looks like. I felt no pain. I was in awe, which is how I believe we'll feel forever and ever.
I share this with you because it gives me hope and assurance that one day we'll rejoice and be in the presence of Jesus always. He took me on a trip that was the best road I've ever traveled; and until He calls me home, it will be the best trip of my life. He was wonderful and gentle and kind and loving and peaceful, and I wish I could put into words what He was and is. I know He's with me here everyday, but it's so comforting and exciting and hopeful and peaceful to know that He's there, too, waiting on us to spend eternity in a happiness we can only touch the surface of here on earth.
So, there it is. I believe that God is teaching me to put away my timidity when it comes to praising Him and honoring Him asking for things specifically. 1 Timothy 1:7-8 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord." (NKJV) A friend told me that you can't have a testimony without a test. How true! He's also teaching me to pray with expectation, thanking Him in advance for what He promises according to His will. Remember, I didn't want this surgery. I thought it was unnecessary...but without it, look what I would've missed! I would do it again in order to have a visit with Jesus, my Lord. He allowed me, in His amazing might and power, to visit Heaven and have a visit with Jesus and my little, angelic girl. There's so much I believe He's willing to show us and share with us if we'll just ask. I've learned that He's not going to bombard and push his way in our lives because he's a gentleman. We have to ask. We have to have faith. We have to be bold and not timid and then we have to give Him praise when He answers our prayer. I praise Him for the trip and the visit He allowed me to have. I hope I've been able to take you on this trip with me. I have so much more to learn and am humbled that God would give His son to die for me and my sins. I will never be worthy of what He's shown me...I can only be thankful beyond what any words can tell.
Thank you for praying with and for me, and thank you for continuing to walk this journey with me. I hope you can feel His presence around you. He loves you and He's waiting for you, too.
I love you all,
Kacey
The entire day was miraculous in so many ways and this is what I can hardly contain. I want to share it and let you experience it with me. A wonderful friend shared an email with me the day before surgery with Psalm 121 attached to it. It was encouraging and peaceful, and on the morning drive to the hospital, I read it aloud for me and my husband. The Psalm tells us that our help comes from the Lord and that He does not slumber or sleep, giving us 24 hour protection. This gave me peace. I then looked out my window and the sky was beautiful. There was a bright light coming forth from some dark clouds that morning, which reminded me of the title of my blog "Seeing the SON Through the Darkness of Breast Cancer". I could feel the SON watching over me on our drive. Next, as we enter the hospital to check in, the girl at the desk has a verse in Psalm printed out and displayed. That gave me the chance to tell her how much seeing that verse helped me and tell her about Psalm 121. By this time, I can feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me. Then there was a gentleman who came and got us to take us upstairs to my room. When I asked him how he was his response was "Blessed and highly favored". That brought forth another conversation. I told him how God was all over that hospital that day and how comforting it was. You see, these weren't coincidences. These were GODINCIDENCES! They were angels God placed in my path. There were several other things and people that came through that were whispers of God's presence and I felt a warmth all around me. But what I want to share next is the best!
This surgery was my fourth in just a little over a year. Before my second and third surgeries I asked the Lord to give me a glimpse of Him during my surgery. I was timid in asking, making sure He knew for sure (like He didn't) :) that I didn't want to die to see a glimpse of Heaven, but that I wanted to see something nonetheless. I asked with a little more confidence before my third surgery, but woke up not having seen anything. That was okay with me, whatever He wants is what I want, and I just thought that maybe I had escaped having my heart stop or something going wrong during surgery. So, prior to this last surgery I had a very difficult time accepting that I had to have another one. I felt this one was unnecessary...the doctor left something behind...why was this happening. So I finally accept what is, and remember what God revealed to me when I saw an angel. You have not because you ask not. I am learning. I pray specific, no matter how insignificant or grand it may seem, and I pray big. Our God is big and there's nothing He can't do if it's His will. So...with more confidence and much more faith, I ask again for God to give me a glimpse of Heaven or of Jesus or of any of the children I have lost. I have had three miscarriages and I always wondered if I ever had a girl and thought that would be nice to know if He was willing to show me. I ask these things this time with expectation. The nurse that came and got me for surgery told me flat out "You have an angel". She's right, I did, but how did she know? She also told me what would be happening during surgery and for me to just pick out a good dream. My response was "I want to see Jesus". Here's what happened next.
I remember them putting the mask on my face and closing my eyes. It has taken me a few days to actually comprehend what I saw and what happened, but I want to take you there. Right before I woke up, I saw Jesus! He was standing a little distance away from me. He had a white robe on and down the middle of the robe was the color blue. He smiled and I thought He reached His hand out to me and then was gone. But I felt in my spirit there was more, so as I've been resting, I've been praying and asking God to reveal all that I saw. He answered me and showed me. I saw a light that was white, but it was like a tunnel, and I was traveling through it very fast. But it wasn't a light that was so blinding that I felt like I was dying. It was almost like it was just a road on which I was traveling. Next, I am standing beside Jesus, and I don't see Him full in the face at this time, He is just holding my arm, as if guiding me and helping me walk as someone would help after surgery. We come to an enormous, black, iron, ornate gate. There were no pearls or anything, but it was black and fancy and big, and it opened to the inside. The gate opened and He led me just inside. We didn't go far, just inside the gate. The gown I had on during surgery was green, but here my gown was blue with specks on it. In the distance I could see a huge structure. It was made of stone, the color brown with a red tint, but it was huge and had several different roof lines and tips. Behind it I saw a blue sky with one white cloud, and in front was water. The water was a blue unlike any other. It looked like a pond or a river that was very calm, and in its reflection I could see the building and the sky and the white cloud. I don't remember saying anything, just looking around in awe, trying to take it all in. Then suddenly, there was a little girl, her hair was blond and wavy and long. Her hair was almost as long as she was tall. She had on a white robe and her face, well, it is almost indescribable. It shone, almost as if someone was shining a light on it, and she was laughing. She was running, doing circle eights around me and then between me and Jesus, and then around Him and then through us again, laughing all the time. I can still hear her giggle. I just watched and looked. No words were spoken, but she was exquisite - the building and the water and the sky and the cloud and the gate, everything, was exquisite. Then the next thing I saw was what I saw first - Jesus, standing a distance away from me. He did smile, but He didn't reach out His hand toward me, He waved and nodded, as if to say "you're welcome, I'll see you later". He looked like what we think about sometimes, except his hair was darker than I imagined. It was long and wavy and He had a beard and mustache. His skin was darker than I imagined as well, not really, really dark, but not white either. It was amazing!
I believe He answered my prayer. I believe I saw Him. I believe I saw a glimpse of Heaven. And I believe I saw my daughter. One thing I want to try to explain is the amount of peace I felt. I felt no fear, no worry, no hurt. And what has stuck with me, too, is I think before all of this I believed if I could ever get a glimpse of a child I had lost I would want to bring it here with me. I think I thought it would make me sad. I'm not sad, and I didn't want to bring her here. Let me explain. First, if any of the three children I lost had been born, we would not have Jonah. I was told I would never have children, so I firmly and faithfully believe that my boys have a calling on their lives. So I know God gave us Jonah for a reason. Secondly, I want to see God's plan for Max and Jonah fulfilled and can't wait to see what that is. But if I could have brought that little girl back with me I would not have done it. She was happy and free and beautiful and I would not want to take that away from her. She was at such peace and the way she played at Jesus' feet was magical to watch. She had no pain and no fear and no worries about tomorrow. She had Jesus. She had freedom to run and play and she had light with no darkness. I believe she is an angel and she was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen. I would not remove her from that. It gives me peace and comfort to know that we have that to look forward to. I have a new sense of what forever looks like. I felt no pain. I was in awe, which is how I believe we'll feel forever and ever.
I share this with you because it gives me hope and assurance that one day we'll rejoice and be in the presence of Jesus always. He took me on a trip that was the best road I've ever traveled; and until He calls me home, it will be the best trip of my life. He was wonderful and gentle and kind and loving and peaceful, and I wish I could put into words what He was and is. I know He's with me here everyday, but it's so comforting and exciting and hopeful and peaceful to know that He's there, too, waiting on us to spend eternity in a happiness we can only touch the surface of here on earth.
So, there it is. I believe that God is teaching me to put away my timidity when it comes to praising Him and honoring Him asking for things specifically. 1 Timothy 1:7-8 says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord." (NKJV) A friend told me that you can't have a testimony without a test. How true! He's also teaching me to pray with expectation, thanking Him in advance for what He promises according to His will. Remember, I didn't want this surgery. I thought it was unnecessary...but without it, look what I would've missed! I would do it again in order to have a visit with Jesus, my Lord. He allowed me, in His amazing might and power, to visit Heaven and have a visit with Jesus and my little, angelic girl. There's so much I believe He's willing to show us and share with us if we'll just ask. I've learned that He's not going to bombard and push his way in our lives because he's a gentleman. We have to ask. We have to have faith. We have to be bold and not timid and then we have to give Him praise when He answers our prayer. I praise Him for the trip and the visit He allowed me to have. I hope I've been able to take you on this trip with me. I have so much more to learn and am humbled that God would give His son to die for me and my sins. I will never be worthy of what He's shown me...I can only be thankful beyond what any words can tell.
Thank you for praying with and for me, and thank you for continuing to walk this journey with me. I hope you can feel His presence around you. He loves you and He's waiting for you, too.
I love you all,
Kacey
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