Laugh without Fear

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

Laughter. Some say it's the best medicine. Others say it can add years to your life. Who doesn't love that deep, tear streaming, hand slapping, can't catch my breath laughter that can sometimes overtake us?  We all have those moments, but they seem few. They don't happen enough. Why is that? What makes this kind of pure joy and laughter so hard to grasp? I've spent much time thinking about that this week. 

I had a doctor's appointment this week for my six-month mammogram. In case you don't know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago. The Lord brought me through and healed me, and I will forever Praise Him for not only healing me, but for the whole journey. I go every six months for a check up, and this week as I waited I thought a lot about this Proverbs 31:25 verse. My checkup was great - everything looks good. Whew! That word right there - whew - that wipe my forehead because thank goodness another six months is behind me is what I've spent time thinking about.  Because what does that say about me? What did it boil down to that I had in my spirit? Fear. Yes, that conclusion struck me as a contradiction to what I believe God is trying to teach me. 

The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". Fear does not come from God. There are many, many verses that tell us this. Where does it come from? The enemy. Satan. Satan loves nothing more than for us to be distracted by our fears so that we lose our sight on God. Some would say how can we be full of laughter in today's times? I mean, really, we are living in a world where it's hard for people to decide what bathroom to use when God clearly chose this for us. We have a presidential candidate running for office that, from all evidence provided thus far, is responsible for the deaths of American citizens. We are living in a world where families are disintegrating before our eyes. Mothers against daughters and sons, sisters against sisters, brothers against brothers, husbands and wives against each other. And why? And more importantly, how can we laugh during times like these...laugh without fear of the consequences these types of behaviors are surely to bring? 

Well, the short answer is because God says so. Psalm 126:2-3 says, "Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing. Then they said among the nations, The Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad". Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have this whole fear thing down. I worry when I'm not supposed to. I have anxiety about our country. I miss family members that choose not to be in my life. I grieve these things.  Every. Single. Day. BUT...GOD! God says He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy (Job 8:21). 

Let me explain to you the vision I have of the woman described in Proverbs 31:25. I see a woman who has a quiet strength about her. She may not look physically strong, or come across as loud and boisterous so you can hear that she's strong, but she's clothed, or dressed, or covered in a quiet strength; a strength that's found deep within her that might be hard to read and understand because it goes far beneath the surface of who she is outwardly. She maintains control and holds her head up high because she not only knows who she is, but whose she is. I see her as being a gentle spirit, but with a spirit of boldness when necessary; not being loud and boisterous, but bold and loving and kind. I see a woman who stands tall, not in arrogance but because her faith in her Savior is so embedded within her that she can carry on through this life and laugh without fear of what's to come. She knows God's plan is best for her, so she quietly puts on her armor and walks toward her future without fear.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I AM GOD". Now this doesn't mean to pull the cover over your head and give up in order to be still. It means carry on with life, but be still in your spirit because God is in control. Know it. Believe it. Feel it. Accept it. He is God and He's got this. Cast all your worries and cares on Him and laugh! Don't let the enemy hold you back or keep you from being who you are supposed to be. 

So I am trying to make a conscious effort every day to choose joy..to choose laughter...to choose peace...to be kind and gentle and patient and loving and faithful and have self-control. I want the Holy Spirit to dwell in me so deeply and so strongly that I have no choice but to be full of laughter. So, no matter what's going on around you, how dark it seems, how ugly or inadequate you feel, remember you are an heir to the kingdom of God...so straighten up that crown, put some laughter in your heart and on your lips and walk on! Walk toward the destiny that God has planned for your life and laugh!!

Enough

Hello to everyone! It's been a long time since I've talked to you. I'd like to explain this road I've been on lately. It's been rough and what I thought was a sinking, desperate hole that seemed impossible to climb out of, I've begun to see that it's not really been that way at all.
During the last three years, what started out being a cancer diagnosis became one thing after another. One thing caused another thing, which caused another twist in the journey, and before I knew it I was sitting in a place where I did not recognize where I was, much less who I was.  I've been in a place where it seemed God was far away, where I called out and asked "where are you?". I know God never moves, so I knew He was still there; so that only made it worse for me at that time because that could only mean one thing - I was the one that had moved...and I didn't want to move. I didn't want to feel so alone. I didn't want to feel like I didn't fit in. I didn't want to wonder who I was. But I felt all of those things. I got to the point where I would look in the mirror and think "who am I?". I couldn't come to grips with my life and what I was supposed to do now. I had stopped writing, stopped seeing my friends, stopped searching and looking for God in all the ways I had seen Him before.  Basically, I crashed.  I ran out of steam and the last three years came tumbling in on me. You see, I've spent the last three years going through surgeries, going through treatments, going through medicine changes, and just when I thought I was finished with one thing there came another.  All this time of just trying to get through, I lost myself, lost my smile, lost my way.  I would look in the mirror and only see negative things...weight gain, no smile, no laughter, distractions of all kinds. But the enemy has a way of getting to us when we're down.  He comes in ever so slightly, whispering untruths in our ears. I was down and was believing those whispers I heard. I didn't like myself, didn't like what I saw, but what happened next is God in His truest, most loving, gentle way. It's what makes me wonder how people get through without the Lord - cause when you're down in a place that you feel you can't get out of, He is our lifeline!  God is our refuge and our strength and for me, His voice rang louder than any other.
I never stopped talking to God, but I must say I was weak and weary.  Most of my alone time was spent in quiet, searching for what I needed to do and worrying about feeling so alone in a life where I am surrounded by the best family, loving me and supporting me and trying to figure out how to help me.  Then one day I just flat out started saying, "Lord Jesus, I miss you!  I miss seeing You in everything I do.  I miss hearing Your Voice and seeing Your Hand in my everyday life!  I miss being used by You.  I want it back, that "up on the mountaintop feeling". He began to show me.  He began to answer me and open my eyes.
One day I was reading and came across a quote by a woman named Lysa TerKeurst that said, "There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to look past being set aside to see God's call for her to be set apart." That's when God began to move on my heart.  I began to really think about what that means.  The Bible tells me I am wonderfully made. In this world we live in today, I'm not going to fit into it.  I don't adhere or condone many of the world's views of what's right and what's wrong.  Being set aside means to separate, to discard or to reject, or to declare invalid (The Free Dictionary).  God showed me that's not who I am to Him.  I am not rejected or invalid to Him.  He does not ever set me aside and disregard me.  I am set apart because I am a child of The King, an Heir to the Kingdom, a Princess, a wonderfully, beautifully made child of Almighty God!  I have been set apart from the world to do the work of Christ, to show the world what He means to me, what He's done for me.  I am set apart because God says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart...".  I began to feel comfortable in who I had become.  Yes, I look a little different, well, to me a lot different but I'm working on it.  My journey with cancer has been hard and trying and tiring and rough; but it's also been very blessed and amazing.  I have gained weight, which I have struggled with greatly.  I now have scars that I didn't have before.  But I also look different to myself because I am different.  I'm set apart to do something, not for myself, but for God. When I figured this out, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and said, "who are you now"? You know what I heard God say in that moment?  He said, "You are enough". That's what I heard in my spirit.  He said you're enough for me, I made you, I created you, and in my eyes you are perfect because you are enough. Wow!  I'd been missing it.  I was so busy concentrating on what I was supposed to be seeing and doing and all along He was giving me grace and rest and time to heal all my wounds, inside and out.  I thought I had grown distant and quiet, but He tells us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I had done just that.  I was weary and it wasn't time for me to get moving and doing, it was time for me to rest.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9
Since the time I was 7 years old, I have been worshipping the Lord through music.  The Lord speaks to me so much through music.  I was listening today to some songs and one that really stood out to me was by the McKameys called "The Shepherd's Point of View". In the song it talks about standing on the mountaintop and seeing the valley you've just walked through, only seeing it from the Shepherd's point of view.  This spoke to me so vividly. My favorite part of the song is where it says: "He reminds you of that moment, when you could not make it through; Now you see one set of footprints where He reached down and carried you; As your tears fall on His shoulder, and you thank Him for His love; He says "Child, I knew that one day, you'd see this valley from above". I wept...tears flowing, shoulders shaking, cannot speak kind of weeping.  I realized in that moment that all the tears I've cried, not just over the last three years, but the ones over the last 6 months have been the hardest.  What I didn't realize until today is that those tears have been falling on His shoulder because He's had me right in His arms this whole time.
Oh, how I thank Him.  Oh, how I love Him.  The little things He's allowed me to see, the things He's allowed me to feel during this time have been little whispers from Him to let me know to just let it go - let it out and free myself of it all...the worry, the fear, the unsettledness, the pain, the hurt, the not being able to put into words what I'm feeling until now, the grief over those who haven't understood me or where I am...I let it all fall through my tears and where did it land?  On Him.  On His shoulders for Him to carry for me.  He carries our burdens and He held me while I gave it to Him.  I didn't even know I was giving it up. No, He never left me.  He never gave up.  Instead, He loved me through it, gave me grace, loved me with a love that's indescribable, and is now putting me back down on my feet. I'll admit that my legs are a little shaky, and when I look at myself in the mirror it's hard not to see the weight and the scars. I stopped long ago taking pictures of myself, but He says that's enough.  So you might start seeing pictures of my family with me actually in them, because God used my sister this week to let me know that what my family and loved ones see when they look at me is this: a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and friend...a healthy, happy, cancer-free Jesus girl with a story to keep on telling. You have one, too.  Don't give up if you're in a valley, you'll be back up soon and the view will be amazing.  It may take longer than you'd like, but it will be worth the wait. Always know there's hope in Jesus, no matter your circumstance. Remind yourself you are loved and adored.  Jesus came to this earth to die for you and for me.  He made you and you are beautiful.  I will continue to remind myself that I am beautiful to Him. My body has been through a lot and one day I'll get it back on track, but for now, I'm enough.

I love you all,
Kacey

Learning to Trust Day by Day

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. (Psalm 25:1-2 NKJV)


There seems to be a lot going on and a lot to tell.  First things first.  My doctors felt that my seizure medication needed to be changed for numerous reasons.  They felt it interacted with my cancer medication causing me to take a double dose.  They also felt it would interfere with my bones later on down the road.  So, it seemed the best thing to do would be to change seizure medications.  It's not as easy as it sounds because this is something that has to be done very slowly to keep a seizure from happening.  But we changed it and all went well - or so we thought.  I was able to cut the cancer medication in half, which was good, and no seizures happened.  But I started having extreme back  pain to the point of not being able to walk very well, or bend, and there is constant pain and it was becoming very worrisome.  For someone who's had cancer, I try not to let "tumor" be my first line of thought when something comes along, but it is oftentimes hard not to when it's something "unexplainable".  I had an MRI done this last week and it showed that everything was normal, which is a huge praise, and there was no sign of any cancer or tumor.  That is the good news.  The bad news is that the new seizure medication is causing the back pain.  From what we've been able to understand, it's a rare side effect that's causing this pain, and I'm going to have to come off of this drug.  What is it with me and rare side effects?  The Lord obviously has other plans!  So the doctor recommended another drug and I'm going to try and describe to you what it felt like to me to think about taking it.  The doctor told me about it, listed the side effects (which were numerous and scary) and then Alan and I researched it ourselves.  The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NKJV)  In verse 5 it says, "But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." (NKJV)  I interject these verses here to explain that the Holy Spirit was literally screaming at me telling me that this next new drug was not for me.  Everything we read, everything we found, everywhere we turned, I could not find the peace that I was searching for and we always need to go where the peace is because that's where we're always going to find where God is.  So I prayed.  My family prayed.  Alan and I reached the conclusion that we believed God just wanted me back on the old medication because it works, the things the doctors were worried about had not happened yet and well, quite frankly, I serve a very big God and those things may never come to pass, and there was my peace.  So against what I knew the doctor would think, I called the next day and told him these reasons.  I am now transitioning back to the old seizure medication, and I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I do this; that there will be no seizures and that the back pain will go away.


The next big thing that happened this week is that it was time for my six month mammogram check up.  I just went in November and everything looked great, so to be perfectly honest, I did not put a lot of thought into this visit.  My mother went with me and we visited and chatted with the ladies in the office, and even when Amy came and said she needed more pictures I still didn't think much of it.  She then came in and said I needed to have an ultrasound done.  Now, at this point I'm still not too worried because there is a spot on my right breast that they've been watching since I had breast cancer in my left breast 2 1/2 years ago, and they sometimes do an ultrasound to make sure there's no change.  The girl did the ultrasound and said, "the radiologist will be in to talk to you in just a minute."  My mother was in there with me and she had breast cancer 14 years ago and I know at that moment she knew exactly how I felt.  If you've ever been there you know.  My heart dropped.  Time stood still.  Why did the radiologist need to come in there?  Why did she need to talk to me?  That was never good news.  It is in those precious few moments when the tech leaves the room before the radiologist actually enters that feels as if the entire earth is going to open and swallow you up whole - and for just a moment you kind of wish it might.  You can hear your own heartbeat in your ears, the thumping so loud you wonder if you're having some sort of a heart attack on top of everything else.  The room is spinning and your mind is totally and completely out of control, going in hundreds of different directions at one time.  The only thing I could think to myself is Lord, not again, please, not again.  The radiologist finally made her way into the room and said everything looked fine to her, but she wanted to do an ultrasound on her own.  During the course of the next hour, (yes, hour) she did an ultrasound and proceeded to tell me all about lobular cancer, which is the kind I had, and honestly a bunch of stuff I really didn't want or need to hear.  She finally got to a bottom line of saying she may want me to have this spot biopsied.  I see my doctor on Tuesday and will wait and see what she says about this.  Please pray with me as I listen for direction.  This spot has been being watched very closely all along and the MRI in November showed no change.  My doctors are watching me closely and I am praying for them as well.  I will do whatever the Lord wants me to do, but I want to make sure that it is HIM that wants me to do it. 


I am not worried - I was.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared and felt like the load was too heavy, but then I realized, yet again, that I had taken my eyes off of my Jesus, the Savior, the One who healed me before, who walks with me through each valley and then stands with me on the mountaintop and shows me where we've been.  So I've adjusted my lenses once again and put the cross in view.  I have such a passion and love for the Holy Spirit.  I believe that if we are born again believers we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit and are filled with such an incredible anointing to be able to lead a life full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control that we cannot lead on our own.  It is the Holy Spirit that wraps me in love and holds my hand as I face another trial; speaks peace to me in my time of worry; gives joy in time of trouble; has patience when it seems I can't go on; shows kindness when I've reached the end of my road; sees goodness when the news I hear might not be what I want to hear; has faithfulness when I need to believe anyway; gives gentleness when the storms rage within; and reel in a little self-control when the screams want to come.  The Lord blesses us with His Spirit in such a way that we need only to call upon His name and He is there.  What a blessing we have in Him.  Thank you, Jesus, is never enough to say, but all He ever wants - our praise. 


So pray for me and my family as I go to the doctor next week and see what lies ahead.  Pray for direction and wisdom and what needs to be done next, about the medication as well as a possible biopsy.  I have peace about it and my family is so grateful that we have your prayers.  Thank you.


My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 (NKJV)


I love you all,
Kacey

What was Easter like for Jesus?

My heart has been filled today.  I've been overflowing with love for my Jesus.  I've been humbled; and to say that I'm grateful doesn't even begin to grasp what my heart is trying to say when I think about what this week must have been like for Jesus the week He was crucified.  What was He thinking?  What was He feeling?  Was He scared?  Was He lonely?  I spend so much time thinking about His birth and His resurrection, and yes, I think about His death, but I think about it in terms of what He did for me...not what it meant for Him.  Today I've spent the day thinking about what it must have been like for Him. 


Jesus says in Matthew 26:38-39, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death...Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will."  (NIV)  Oh, my, how my heart breaks when I read this passage because I can hear the grief and sorrow and pain in the voice of Jesus.  His soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!  He fell on His face.  When I think about the times that I have gone to God and fallen on my face it's because of my circumstance or my sin.  But Jesus went to the Garden of Gethsemane and fell on His face because He was about to suffer upon a cross that was meant for me and my sin, not His own.  He did nothing to deserve to die this way.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen on my face before God and asked and begged Him to take something from me or to change my circumstance.  But, when I read this and thought about what this was like for Jesus, what He was about to suffer, what He was about to do....for me....the realm of emotions I feel are almost unexplainable.  I feel shame because I'm not worth it.  I feel loved because through this suffering, this sacrifice, this grief and anxiety, this begging and pleading to make it all go away, in the end Jesus says in verse 42 when He had gone away a second time to pray, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."  (NIV)  In other words, He said, I'll do it - I love them all, too.  So we know that Jesus was grieving, but we also know He wanted His Father's will.


What must it have been like after His arrest and trial?  What was He thinking when they beat Him?  What must have been going through His head when they mocked Him?  Have you ever had someone hurt your feelings or mock you or make fun of you?  I have and it hurts, but nothing I have ever experienced has ever compared to what had been done to Jesus.  Just listen.  The soldiers mocked Jesus.  "They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on Him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on His head.  They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of Him and mocked Him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said.  They spit on Him, and took the staff and struck Him on the head again and again.  After they had mocked Him, they took off the robe and put His own clothes on Him.  Then they led him away to crucify Him."  Matthew 27:28-31 (NIV)  I imagine His body so weak from the beatings, but His heart so weak and hurt from the insults and mockery and laughter and spit in His face!  The reality of the crucifixion has been so real in my heart.  The images vivid in my head as over and over and over again He endured this for me and for you.  I keep thinking that it should have been me they mocked and laughed at.  It should have been me they spit on.  But He took it for me instead.  He took it for you.  He did it so we wouldn't have to. 


What was Jesus thinking when they reached Golgotha?  Was He thinking it was almost over?  Was He thinking the worst is yet to come?  Was He wondering if He could endure any more?  Was He in such pain that He was just ready to get it done?  I can't imagine what was going through His mind right before they drove that first nail through His hand.  I'm sure He was waiting, filled with anguish and anxiety, already hurting, physically, and his heart breaking knowing He was about to suffer for all of us, including the very one about to drive that first nail.  Matthew 27:34, "There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it." (NIV)  I learned through a Bible study that this gall that was mixed with the wine was used to numb the pain.  But did you get what that scripture said?  It said Jesus refused to drink it!  Why?  It is my belief that He did not want anything to make this sacrifice easier.  His death bore the sins of the world and that was a very heavy load to bear. 


What did Jesus think when they hung Him between two criminals...this Savior, this Son of God who had done no wrong, yet there He was hanging between two criminals?  Luke 23:34 says, "Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  (NIV)  What did He think when they sneered at Him, yelling "He saved others, let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One." Luke 23:35 (NIV)  In Matthew 27:46 when, "Jesus cried out in a loud voice, My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?", did He feel alone?  (NIV)  The mocking never stopped.  The hurtful words continued.  The laughter never ceased.  Jesus hung on that cross amidst all of this humiliation and shame for something He never did.  He was perfect.  He was the perfect Lamb.  "It was now the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining, and the curtain of the temple was torn in two.  Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit," When he had said this, he breathed His last."  Luke 23:44-47 (NIV)   The middle of the day, noontime, and it was dark because the sun stopped shining.  The Light of the World, dying on a cross, for sins he never committed.


Jesus could have called 10,000 angels to get him off the cross.  He could have come down if He wanted.  But He didn't.  He knew what He had to do in order to save me and to save you.  But what's been so very real to me in reading this story that I've read more times than I can count, is that we were the purpose of this whole horrendous death.  We were the reason He suffered.  There was no other sacrifice good enough to save us and give us eternal life in Heaven except the Son of God!  So every time I think He doesn't understand how low I feel, or how desperate I am to change my circumstance, I'm going to rethink this time that Jesus suffered for me because I think he knows much more than I can ever imagine. 


Now don't stop reading yet because the best is yet to come.  Luke 24:6 says, "He is not here; he has risen!  Remember how He told you, while He was still with you in Galilee: The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again," (NIV)  Verse 2 says, "They found the stone rolled away from the tomb but when they entered they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus." (NIV)  He's Alive and He is Risen, Heaven's Gates are Opened Wide, He's Alive!!  He got to appear to His disciples again and then, "He lifted up His hands and blessed them.  While He was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven." Luke 24:50-51 (NIV) 


Yes, I have wondered what these last days were like for Jesus and it humbles me more than I can explain.  It's hard to think about someone loving me and you that much - enough to endure that kind of pain and humiliation and dread.  And back to what I've been asking all along, what was Jesus thinking and feeling?  I think He was feeling love toward us.  I think he was thinking that one day His promise would be fulfilled and all glory would be His; that one day all nations would bow before His throne and call Him Lord of Lords and King of Kings.  This kind of love can come only from Jesus, the One and only Son of God, who came and suffered and bore my sins and died for me and died for you in order for us to have eternal life in Heaven.  Thank you, Jesus, just isn't enough.  My cup runneth over.


Happy Easter.
I love you all,
Kacey

She Laughs

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25 (NIV)


There is nothing quite like being awestruck by the word of God.  Nothing like reading something and knowing that you are reading it because He wants you to.  I read this verse the other day and was just that...awestruck.  You see, I've been in some kind of trench lately, a valley that sits a little lower than any of the other valleys I've visited over the past little while.  When I read this verse, the first thing I thought was "I've lost my smile"; "I've lost my laughter".  It made me sad.  It woke me up. 


There are so many adjustments that have to be made when you go through cancer.  What happens in the beginning is that you must adjust to the fact that you have cancer.  Then you adjust to the kind of cancer you have and what your treatment options are.  After that, you must adjust to your new way of living - fighting every day, making sure your loved ones are okay, trying to stay positive, and on and on.  During this beginning stage when you're adjusting to all this, you are also given a lot of information about your future.  You're told what to expect one year, two years, five years from that moment and, for me, I didn't hear this information.  I stopped listening when I heard "you have cancer".  But you wade through everything, you fight, and you believe that if you can just make it to the other side you'll just go back to normal and pick up where you left off.  Let me warn you...it's not possible, or it wasn't for me.  I am so grateful and so thankful that I made it through, but I did not pick up where I left off.  There are so many reasons I am glad I didn't.  If you've walked this journey with me, you know how much God has changed my life.  He has made me stronger and more faithful and so grateful for so many things.  He has shown me things I never dreamed I would get to see and learn and experience.  I've begun to remember some of the things the doctors told me to expect.  I now remember them telling me that the medicine I would need to take for five years would cause joint pain and fatigue and weight gain.  What didn't matter then, matters now.  So that's where I've been.  I have been sitting in a valley, quite frankly right where the devil wants me, in a pit of self-image issues and weight issues.  But that is not where God wants me, so that's not where I intend to stay. 


Micah 7:8 says, "Do not gloat over me my enemy!  Though I have fallen, I will rise.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (NIV)  I absolutely love this verse.  I like to say it over and over, because if the devil thinks he has me right where he wants me, God promises me something different.  He will raise me up when I fall.  He will be my light on those days I sit in darkness.  Many years ago, I began having seizures.  Doctors did not know why then and they still don't, but I have to take medication for this.  The medicine I've been on all these years now interacts with my cancer medicine so we are doing a change of the seizure medicine.  This is not an easy change.  Because the drug is a neurological drug, it affects my mood and my emotions, so I've been up and down lately to say the least.  (Bless my family for loving me like they do!!)  I tell you this because one of the adjustments I am trying to make that I mentioned above is the weight gain associated with all this cancer stuff I've been through.  So when I couple the seizure medicine change along with my self-image, weight stuff, I've really just been a mess.  I can say this today with a smile because at times it seems so ludicrous to ever be worried about such things.  But I am human...and a woman!  God tells me I am wonderfully and beautifully made.  However, it's not easy to ever feel beautiful during cancer.  Half the time, I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I felt like so much of me was changing.  Now, even though I've come through what I thought was the hardest part, I still find myself not wanting to look in the mirror.  I've been asking myself what happened.  I've been asking why I seemed happier in the throes of cancer than I do today.  I keep asking God these questions.  I keep asking Him why I seem to be so focused on these things the doctors told me were coming; why I can't accept where I am right now; why I don't seem happy.  He told me.  I lost my focus.  I took my eyes off of Him.  I lost my smile and my laughter because I've made it about me instead of about Him.  In the middle of cancer, I might not have wanted to look in the mirror very much, but that wasn't my focus.  My focus was to go about telling all the things the Lord was showing me and the prayers that were being answered and the ways He was growing my faith.  So for now, as Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning", (NIV) I am going to refocus my eyes.  I know He has a work for me to do.  I am where I am and it is what it is.  I am where He wants me to be and I am going to do what He wants, His way, not my way. 


I believe it's important to share with you where I am because I believe many of you have the same struggles.  I think many of you struggle with self-image issues and weight issues whether or not you've been through cancer.  I think the Lord wants me to share this struggle with you to let you know you are not alone and to let me know I'm not alone.  Any time we bring something out of the darkness into the light, it loses its power over us.  Maybe this is a start.  I am asking you to pray with me about this issue, that we can begin to see ourselves the way God sees us.  I'm going to ask Him to get me out of this cycle and bring me out of this pit, and I know He will because He said He would.  The enemy is always going to use our weakest link against us.  But we have a bigger God!  I think it is important for us to remember that God tells us in Isaiah 40: 28-31 "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV).  Isn't this the most amazing promise?  Yes, I feel like I am sitting in a valley right now that sits a little lower than any I've ever been in.  But tonight, as I look around and find myself searching for my Savior, I see Him here with me.  He's not tired or weary, though I may be.  He understands me and where I am, though I may not.  He gives me strength I do not even know I have.  I have hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength; and when He does, I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror.  You know why?  I see Him...not me.


I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come.

A Different Kind of New Year

Christmas is such a wonderful time for our family.  We have our traditions and things that make special memories each year.  This year, for the first time in two years, there was nothing concerning cancer in our midst.  We always tell the story of Jesus' birth and talk as a family about what it must have been like for Mary, Joseph and Jesus that first Christmas; how Jesus' birth changed the world.  This year, it was extra close to my heart.  The Lord has changed me so much through cancer and these last two years, that my mind and heart were in a different place this year.  Instead of being so focused on buying gifts and making sure everything was carried out perfectly, I focused on other people and on what Christmas is really about.  I spent time reflecting on this past year and all the ways God showed us His presence. 

Just as a funny side story, my son, Jonah, who is 7, yelled one day for me to come quickly to see this commercial because there was something else he wanted to add to his list.  After watching the commercial, I thought it would be a good learning moment for me to expand on the true meaning of Christmas.  So, I told Jonah that when Jesus was born there were three gifts given to Him - gold, frankincense and myrrh.  He asked me some questions about this and I walked away very pleased that he seemed so interested and that he understood it so well.  A little while later, I overheard him talking to Max, his older brother of 13 (he didn't know I could hear).  He said, "Max, don't go adding anything to your Christmas list because Mom was talking to me today about how Jesus only got three presents.  Now, I don't think she's going to tell Santa about this, but just in case, leave your list like it is and don't add anything to it.  I mean, if Jesus only got three, what does that mean for us?"  Well, I got a really good laugh and didn't feel quite so proud of my learning moment anymore.  :)  But it's moments like these that are so priceless...memories that can't be taken away. 

I am so thankful that our music minister listened to the Lord asking us as a choir to go and sing for the homeless and for those in prison.  This music might have been the only Christmas some of these people had.  I was not able to go to the prison, but I did go downtown to the Rescue Mission.  As we stood and sang songs about our Lord and His birth, I began to look around the room.  I listened as these men coughed and were sick from being out in the cold.  I saw how many of them fell asleep because they were able to sit down for a few moments in the warmth and safety of a building.  I watched as some would sing along with us and worship and praise the Lord.  My eyes saw things in a whole new way and I began to pray for these individuals.  After it was over we began to talk with some of them and I found that they were no different than me...they were children that God had created and He loved them.  They were eager to share and talk and it opened my eyes to God's grace.  I was very humbled by their spirits and their circumstances.  It made me realize that Jesus was born in a manger for a reason.  He wasn't born on a throne or in royal, high places.  If that had happened, would we all feel like His grace and salvation were attainable?  Instead He was born in a barn in a manger, the lowliest of lows so that all would know and understand that He came for us all.  He was born in order to die for all of us, and even though that's something I've always known, I saw it with fresh eyes this Christmas.

The New Year brings with it a fresh start and a new beginning - a way for us to start with a clean slate and make resolutions to make changes for the better.  I am thankful that the Bible tells us, though, that it doesn't have to be January 1st for us to have a new start because God's mercies are new every, single morning.  My husband, Alan, suggested that we find a verse or chapter in the Bible to begin our new year and pray upon our family.  We chose Psalm 128.  It says this:  "Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, Who walks in His ways.  When you eat the labor of your hands, you SHALL be happy, and it SHALL be well with you.  Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, Your children like olive plants all around your table.  Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.  The Lord bless you out of Zion, and may you see the good of Jerusalem all the days of your life.  Yes, may you see your children's children.  Peace be upon Israel!".  (NKJV)  This verse spoke to us saying that we want to be more like Jesus and walk in His ways.  We are thankful for the job Alan has and that his health helps him labor.  We are thankful and I pray to be the heart of the house and that our children will be happy and healthy.  We felt this Psalm spoke of everyone in our home.  We pray these things for each of you. 

As I sat today with the Lord looking back over last year and looking forward to next year, the Lord gave me this poem.  Sometimes it's easy to look back and see all the hard times and not see the good, and it's also been easy for me the last couple of years to look upon the new year with an "oh no, here we go" kind of attitude.  But the Lord changed that for me and spoke to me about that because no matter what we face, He's always there.  He's always giving us blessings, I just want to be sure I've got my eyes open this year to see them.  I don't want to miss even one!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and I pray blessings on each of you for the new year. 

Twas the beginning of the New Year and all through my home,

Everyone was busy, as I sat all alone.

I listened to the sounds as around me I heard,

Laughter and giggles and sweet, funny words.

It occurred to me then that I had not talked yet with God,

I’d been wanting to share with Him some things on my heart.
I started by reliving some things from last year,
But as my anxiousness moved in, I heard Him say I am here.

Peace covered me like a blanket, I felt His presence no doubt,

And that allowed me to be honest, to be real and to cry out.
I cried, Lord, what a year full of hurdles and pain,
But He said, can you tell Me, what did you gain?

I sat there a moment, not sure what to say,

So He told me to tell Him about my worst day.
My mind started racing, trying to remember the worst,
But I couldn’t seem to find it because the good things came first.
 
Oh, I remembered the day cancer came through my door,
But with it came an abundance of blessings to my world.
I remember feeling alone, overwhelmed and scared,
But that wasn’t the worst day because an angel was there.

God showed me a glimpse of an angel one day,

And in the midst of this cancer I was no longer afraid.
See, I began to see His hand and His glory all around,
From the moment I woke up until the sun went down.
 
I remembered the time at the doctor one day,
I was at my lowest point, and hope seemed far away.
A very sick man came in through those doors,
But what I noticed the most was his love for the Lord.

See, he told the whole room what battles he raged,
But in that same breath he gave God glory and praise.
He never saw me that day, but his impact was big,
He was put in my path and he was definitely hand-picked.

God knew I needed something right then and right there,
So He sent me an angel who entertained unaware.
So, again, in my mind this day was not bad,
Because God had someone meet me on my long, winding path.

I continued to try and find the worst day of last year,
And felt for sure it was the surgery, the fourth in a year.
I tried to remember the fear and the pain,
But all I could see was what I had gained.

I got a glimpse of Heaven during that last surgery I was in,
I saw my baby girl that I lost and lives with Him.
Words cannot describe the beauty and depth of what was seen,
God turned something scary into something beautiful just for me.
 
As I sat and remembered these things of the past,
I began to understand just what God had asked.
In the midst of all my troubles, of all my pain and my hurt,
God was trying to show me just how He works.

He takes us through trials, through good times and bad,

But only to show us the blessings we have.
He’s taken me to mountaintops and valleys below,
But never have I been anywhere that He didn’t go.

He’s walked with me and carried me and shown me the way,

And taught me there are blessings in every single day.
So I smiled and I thanked Him for making me see,
That He’s there in the middle of each day with me.

Yes, I thanked Him, ‘cause I knew just what He’d done,

Had he made me unravel last year just for fun?
No, instead He’d shown me what I had already found,
He’s in charge… there’s a plan… and blessings always abound!

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Hebrews 12:28 says, "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe" (NIV).  Well I think that's a very big reason for us to be thankful - we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken!  Amen?  Amen.  As Thanksgiving approaches I've stopped and looked within myself to see what my reasons are to be thankful this year.  We ponder our reasons to be thankful on Thanksgiving, but I will say to you that I have learned through cancer that thankfulness has taken on a new meaning for me.  I will also say to you that I ponder these reasons more often than just at Thanksgiving.  I feel sometimes that Thanksgiving Day is being overlooked and sliding through the cracks because our society is so fast-paced that we've stopped being still.  I want to be still and share with you my reasons for being thankful.

My thankfulness is always about the big stuff.  I am thankful that God sent His only Son to die for me that I will have eternal life with Him.  I am thankful that God gives me grace and mercy, but also consequences and guidance.  Someone once said there would be no message without the mess and no testimony without the test!  I love this because it is so true.  The messes I've made sometimes didn't deserve grace, but I got it anyway.  My extreme love for the Lord would not be as it is without the tests He has walked me through.  I am thankful that because I am a believer in Christ that my sin is not only forgiven, but forgotten as far as the east is from the west.  In other words, there is no remembrance of my sin to God once I repent.  Oh, how thankful I am that He forgets - I wish I could forget, too!  I am thankful that God created a kingdom for us to live for eternity.  I am thankful for my family, for it is with them that God placed me and I am honored to be loved by each and every one of them.  They have helped me and prayed for me and walked with me and sat with me in my darkest hours and never moved, never left, never gave up.  I am thankful for each and every one of you reading this because whether I've told you or not, you have blessed me in some way.  I am blessed and I am thankful.

Yes, my thankfulness is always about the big stuff; yet, there is such blessing and thankfulness and graciousness in what some might consider "small stuff".  I am thankful that the beauty of the sky can take my breath away.  I am thankful for God's whisper.  I love the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 when the Lord told Elijah to "go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by" (v.11).  Well, Elijah went to the mountain and verse 11-12 says, "a powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a gentle whisper."  God was in the whisper and I am thankful that He still gives us gentle whispers.  Those can be different for everyone, but for me when I am the only one up at night and can hear the gentle breathing of my husband and children when they sleep, or the quiet hours of the night that are peaceful... these are the whispers of God that I am so thankful for.  I am thankful for the people God puts in my path, for each can have a special message.  I am thankful that my 7 year old son still climbs up on my lap just to sit and snuggle.  This time is so precious.  I am thankful that my 13 year old son just this week made the basketball team; and while I am so thankful that he made the team, what warms my heart the most is that his first choice of basketball shoes were the pink ones in honor of my journey through cancer.  (We did not get the pink ones, but I was touched nonetheless.)  :)  I am thankful for the sunlight that is sometimes blinding.  I am thankful when the clouds in the sky separate showing us a blue unlike any other, giving us a glimpse that heaven is just through those clouds.  I am thankful for the mountaintops and equally as thankful for the valleys and even the desert.  God gives us such beauty in each place He sends us.  I am thankful for the water that falls from the side of a mountain just because God thought we might enjoy it.  I am thankful for the vibrant color He allows us to see on this earth - the reds, oranges, and yellows of the fall; the white, snowy color of winter, the new blooms of color in the spring, and the wondrous greens of the summer.  He could have made everything dark and ugly and we never would have known; but He gave us beauty here on earth and I can't imagine the beauty of Heaven.  I am thankful for the ways He shows me He loves me, as if I'm the only child He has.  I am thankful that when the darkness sets in and the long hours of the night lay before me, He scoops me up and holds me in His lap until the storm passes by.  I am thankful for the rest I can receive in the shadow of the Almighty.  I love Jeremiah 29:13 that says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (NIV)  God is all around us and we can see Him in everything if we seek Him.  I am so thankful that He lets us see Him. 

Psalm 39 4-7 talks about how our lives are fleeting and that "each man's life is but a breath". (NIV)  And in 1 Peter 5:10, God promises us that our suffering will be only for a little while.  (NIV)  I am thankful that these verses let us know that if we are suffering right now, it will be only for a little while.  God will restore us and bring us through according to His will and His timing.  Yes, our lives are but a breath, but what joyous, beautiful blessings we are able to see and receive.  I am thankful for breast cancer, for without this test I would not have the testimony to give God all the glory for what He has done.  I just had a good report this week and I am thankful.  I have learned to try not to look toward tomorrow....it might not come....it has troubles of its own.  I am thankful that I am cancer free.  Today.  What will tomorrow bring?  I don't know, but I am thankful that I serve a God who does. 

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs.  Know that the Lord is God.  It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.  Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks for Him and praise His name.  For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100 (NIV)

Hallelujah!  I am thankful for so much and blessed undeservedly.  To me, there is nothing "small stuff" about God.  He's always big and mighty and powerful.  So, yes, I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken and I am thankful!  I stand in awe of our Almighty God.  My cup runs over.  I send my love to each of you and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

I love you all,
Kacey