He's Alive

Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit." When He had said this, He breathed His last. 

Luke 23:46

Imagine with me, just for a moment, a place of pure beauty; a place where the light is brilliant, the colors magnificent. The great street of the city is pure gold, like transparent glass (Revelation 21:21). There will be robes of white and gates of pearl. There will be no more night, no more tears, no more worries, no more pain, no more suffering, no death or mourning. Instead, there will be praise - praise to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Praise to the one who came to earth to live and die on a cross to give us this eternal life in this wonderful place called Heaven. Doesn't it sound wonderful? And I know that we cannot truly fathom what Heaven is really like...we can only imagine. It will be more than we can comprehend. But what I've thought about so much this week, this Easter, is what it took for us to be given a place such as this to spend eternity. What did it cost? It cost us nothing. It cost Jesus everything. What sacrifices were made? We made none. Jesus gave it all.

See, Jesus was the only perfect man to walk this earth. He came to show us He was and is Christ, the Messiah, our Savior. He showed His love and His power to all, telling them what was to come. Oh, to be there then - what was it like? What was it like to watch Him feed thousands or make the blind to see? What was it like to see Him raise the dead? What was it like to touch the hem of His garment? To hear Him speak, to see Him perform these miracles, to watch Him give grace and show His love and speak of His death, burial and resurrection...what was it like? I wonder what they thought when He spoke of these things. He was perfect; unlike us, He was without sin, yet He was condemned to die. 

Luke 24:20 says, "The chief priests and our rulers handed Him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified Him." (NIV) Now before they crucified Him, the Bible tells us in Matthew 27:28-30, "And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand. And they bowed the knee before Him and mocked Him, saying, 'Hail, King of the Jews'. Then they spat on Him, and took the reed and struck Him on the head." (NKJV) They spit on our Savior, our Jesus, the One who came to save us and offer us this place I spoke of earlier called Heaven. They beat Him and hurt Him as much as they could. Not only did they hurt Him physically, they mocked Him and laughed in His face. What strikes me so much in these verses is that it says, "And they bowed the knee before Him". The Bible tells us in Romans 14:11, "For it is written, 'As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me and every tongue shall confess to God." (NKJV) Yet here they are bowing before Him not to worship Him or confess to God, but to mock Him. After the beatings and the mocking and the humiliation they put Jesus through, they led Him to a place called Golgotha. It was there they drove the nails in His hands and feet and hung Him on the cross to suffer and bleed and die an excruciating death. Even as He hung on the cross, Matthew 27:37 says, "And they put up over His head the accusation written against Him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS." (NKJV) They mocked Him even as He died. And you know what? He was dying for them, for you and for me. This perfect Lamb of God, hanging on a cross, dying, to take our sin for us so we wouldn't have to. What a sacrifice! We gave nothing. Jesus gave it all.

Jesus died that day on the cross. Oh, they watched and waited and shouted for Him to save Himself. Matthew 27:42 says, "He saved others; Himself He cannot save. If He is the King of Israel, let Him now come down from the cross, and we will believe Him." (NKJV) He could have saved Himself. If He had chosen, He could have come down from that cross. But He chose not to. He didn't even drink the gall that was offered to Him to lessen the pain. He took on the full pain and force of all of our sins upon Himself. He died to give us life. 

But this is not where Jesus stops. The story doesn't end here, with His death. Matthew 28 tells us the story. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the tomb. But there was a great earthquake; for an angel of the Lord came from Heaven and rolled the stone away from the tomb! Yes, the stone was rolled away and Jesus was not inside. The angel's countenance was like lightning and his clothing was white as snow. The angel told the women to not be afraid and that Jesus was not there. Jesus is Risen, just like He told them! The angel told the women to go tell the disciples that He is risen from the dead, that He was in Galilee and that they could see Him there. Now, we weren't there when the stone was rolled away, but can you imagine it? If we really stop and think about the deep sadness we would be feeling for having just lost Jesus, only to realize that He's risen, we get a glimpse of the emotion running through their hearts. The Bible says they had fear and great joy. But Jesus told them not to be afraid. They came and worshiped Him and He ascended into Heaven. He told them that day, and it is written for us today, "lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age". Matthew 28:20 (NKJV) 

So this story is what's been pondering in my heart all week, especially today, Good Friday - the story that Jesus died on a cross that should have been mine. But He came with a purpose, to die for us and take on all our sin and then Rise up and defeat death. I do a lot of worshiping through song, and today I was going through some music and wanted to specifically hear the song, Arise, My Love. My favorite part of this song is when it says, "Then the Father looked down to His Son and He said, Arise my Love, Arise my Love, the grave no longer has its hold on You". Can you picture it with me? I can see God, the Father, looking down upon His Son, dead in a grave after so much suffering, reaching out His arms saying "Arise, my Love". Wow! That gives me chills. The Son went home to Heaven to be with the Father. I don't know if this happened, but when God, the Father says "Arise, my Love", I can picture Jesus falling into the arms of God. After having suffered and died and completing the task laid out before Him on this earth, it was over. He conquered death and the grave!

Today, I also listened to the song, He's Alive. I love a song that tells a great story, and this one does just that. It tells the resurrection story of Jesus from Peter's point of view. My favorite part of the song is when Peter is feeling ashamed and broken, and suddenly there is a sweet and strange perfume, and a light that comes from everywhere. As Peter looks up, Jesus is standing before him with His arms open wide. Peter fell to his knees, clung to Him and cried. Oh to have been there...to have been Peter. To feel such anguish and sorrow over His death, such shame for denying Him, then suddenly Jesus is standing before Him reaching out for Him, drawing him near. The song goes on to say that Jesus raises Peter up and the love from Jesus is shining through His eyes. The guilt Peter felt suddenly melted into peace. He was alive!! The grave could not hold the King!

To have been there, to actually see Jesus raised from the dead, I can only imagine. Just the thought makes my heart sing and makes me want to shout! Jesus died for us... horrifically, painfully died, but it didn't end with His death. He arose from the grave and is in Heaven preparing a place for us forever, for eternity. 

There is no one that could love us this much. What Jesus did for us is more than anyone will ever do. The Bible tells us He knew us before we were born, but when we get to Heaven, we will fall at His feet and worship Him. He will welcome us by name when we get to Heaven because He died specifically for each of us. We'll get to see Him and thank Him and praise Him for His sacrifice. The soldiers that bowed a knee and mocked Him, they bowed again, but not to mock, but to call Him Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Hallelujah! 

Will you spend eternity in this wonderful place called Heaven, with a Savior who went to these great lengths to make sure you could? Do you know Jesus as your Savior and Lord? Have you asked Him to forgive your sins? Have you thanked Him for His sacrifice? If not, do it today. Ask Him so that you can have the assurance of an eternity in Heaven.  

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, to save a wretch like me. He saved me. I adore Him and I love Him more than I can put into words. His sacrifice for me makes me so humble and grateful. I want to tell the world of His love. 

So, arise, my love, and worship Him. I thank Him, today, for what He did for me and for you. Everything He did for us was, and is, all we'll ever need. He is with us today, just as He was with the people when He walked this earth. He's my everything, and today I celebrate His ultimate gift. He's given us everything under the Son!

"But God raised Him from the dead, freeing Him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him." Acts 2:24

Happy Easter!

I love you all,

Kacey

Moving Mountains

"But the falling mountain crumbles away, and the rock moves from its place."

Job 14:18

We all face mountains...things in our path that seem insurmountable and impossible to conquer. We all want directions on how to get around this mountain - either how to climb it, or if we're honest, how to just avoid it and go around and miss it altogether. Never do we really want to climb it because from the bottom looking up it seems too big, too immovable, too steep, too hard. So what do we do? And how do we answer others, especially our kids, when they ask us for directions on how to move a mountain? The Lord spoke to me this week about this and I'd like to share.

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First, I would like to tell you that both of my boys have severe food allergies. They consist of nuts, eggs, shellfish, and milk. My youngest son, Jonah, is the one allergic to milk, and for us, it's by far the hardest to manage. On top of the food allergies, he has been diagnosed with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, or CVS. About a year ago, Jonah started vomiting for no apparent reason. The vomiting is very intense, violent, fall in the floor, us begging him to breathe kind of vomiting. We had never seen anything like this. After ruling out a virus, or flu, we thought he might be allergic to something new, but he wasn't. Just when we thought of going further with testing, it disappeared. No more vomiting. He was fine. The second or third time this so called virus appeared and then magically went away, we began to dig deeper - asking questions, doing research, and having our doctor help us determine what this was. After ruling out other things, it was determined that Jonah has CVS, which is a cyclical syndrome that comes and goes. Fast forward to about a month ago, and Jonah began complaining about bad headaches and severe abdominal pain, which we now know are called abdominal migraines. This last cycle has lasted for a month. It's hard on Jonah. He misses school, his food allergies become more sensitive, his head and stomach hurt. I think the worst part for him is that it comes on so suddenly, with barely enough time to make it to the bathroom, and the fact that it is so hard and violent for him. So we pray. We pray that the cycle ends quickly. We pray that there are no headaches and stomach pain. We pray he's able to go to school. We pray that the Lord removes the food allergies from both boys. But here's the thing I was so concerned about last week when it seemed so bad - I was worried that Jonah was discouraged with God because the cycle was still continuing. So I asked him. His sweet, precious, 10-year-old little heart said, "Well, no, mom, I'm not discouraged. We just need to keep praying!" Wow! He said it like he could not believe I had even asked the question. The Bible says in Matthew 18:3-4, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4) Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (NIV) Jonah was showing me he had faith. He believes his prayers are being heard, and he showed me how patiently he is waiting. 

Then this is what God did next. I stumbled across a story about a church in the Smoky Mountains that had just built a new building. They were a very excited congregation. Ten days before the dedication of the new building, an inspector came by and told the Pastor they would not be able to open as scheduled because they did not have adequate parking for the size of their church building. The Pastor explained that it took every inch of their land and they had no room left to expand the parking lot because there were other buildings on each side and a mountain in the back. The inspector said he was sorry, but they would not be allowed to hold their dedication service or open their new building. The Pastor decided to hold a prayer meeting, a mountain moving prayer time. About 30 members of the 300 member congregation met and they prayed for three hours. The Pastor was so moved and told the members to plan on showing up for the dedication service as planned, that God had not brought them that far to just quit. He told them to have faith. So the next week as the Pastor was in his office, someone knocked on his door. He opened it to a construction worker who explained that they were working over in the town next to them and needed some fill-dirt. He said they needed it right then and asked if they could remove dirt from the mountain that sat behind the church. He told the Pastor that in exchange for the dirt, his company would pave and concrete the area free of charge! The Pastor agreed, smiled, and the dedication service was held on the original Sunday. He told his members that God moved the mountain! He said the moral of this whole situation was that faith was not the absence of doubt, but the presence of belief! 

This has moved me in a mighty way. Jesus tells us in Mark 11:23, "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them." (NIV) This church believed and God moved a mountain! I could not wait to share this story with Jonah. I told him just how much he had taught me with his faith and that I believed God showed us this story for a reason. Matthew 17:20 says, "Because you have so little faith, Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." See, a mustard seed is tiny, smaller than all other seeds. God isn't asking us to have an enormous sized faith. He picked the smallest seed of all and told us that if we had the smallest size faith in our heart, we could have the biggest outcomes. I explained to Jonah that God's ways are higher than our ways, and that He ultimately has the perfect plan for us. God's plan might be for Jonah to use his allergies and CVS to help others and give glory to God. But God's plan might be to remove these allergies and this CVS from his body. We don't know the plan, but we have learned this week through what God has shown us, that we don't have to know the plan. We just have to trust, to have faith, and to believe. Psalm 121:1-2 says, "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? 2) My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." (NIV)

Our help is in God alone. Our help comes from Him. Our faith is in Him alone, even if it's just a tiny amount. But God is so good and so big, that He doesn't ask the impossible from us, He does the impossible for us! Hallelujah! 

So my family has fully committed to praying for the boys, that the allergies will be completely removed from their bodies, and that Jonah will never have another CVS cycle again. We give God glory already for what He's done - for allowing us to understand what CVS is, what the allergies are and how to deal with them. We praise Him for allowing us the faith to pray for a miracle. And we give Him glory and praise for whatever the outcome! I praise Him for showing me a deeper side to the heart of my son, the faith he possesses as a little child in his prayers to a very big God. I thank God that He can move mountains...literally! 

I love Him and all He is and all He means to me. I pray you know Him, too. I pray you accept Him as your Savior so you can watch Him move the mountains in your life, whatever they may be. It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed. 

I'll update you and talk to you all soon. But for now, we'll just keep on talkin' about everything Under the Son. :)

"Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." Psalm 90:2

I love you all,

Kacey

Laugh without Fear

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

Laughter. Some say it's the best medicine. Others say it can add years to your life. Who doesn't love that deep, tear streaming, hand slapping, can't catch my breath laughter that can sometimes overtake us?  We all have those moments, but they seem few. They don't happen enough. Why is that? What makes this kind of pure joy and laughter so hard to grasp? I've spent much time thinking about that this week. 

I had a doctor's appointment this week for my six-month mammogram. In case you don't know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago. The Lord brought me through and healed me, and I will forever Praise Him for not only healing me, but for the whole journey. I go every six months for a check up, and this week as I waited I thought a lot about this Proverbs 31:25 verse. My checkup was great - everything looks good. Whew! That word right there - whew - that wipe my forehead because thank goodness another six months is behind me is what I've spent time thinking about.  Because what does that say about me? What did it boil down to that I had in my spirit? Fear. Yes, that conclusion struck me as a contradiction to what I believe God is trying to teach me. 

The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". Fear does not come from God. There are many, many verses that tell us this. Where does it come from? The enemy. Satan. Satan loves nothing more than for us to be distracted by our fears so that we lose our sight on God. Some would say how can we be full of laughter in today's times? I mean, really, we are living in a world where it's hard for people to decide what bathroom to use when God clearly chose this for us. We have a presidential candidate running for office that, from all evidence provided thus far, is responsible for the deaths of American citizens. We are living in a world where families are disintegrating before our eyes. Mothers against daughters and sons, sisters against sisters, brothers against brothers, husbands and wives against each other. And why? And more importantly, how can we laugh during times like these...laugh without fear of the consequences these types of behaviors are surely to bring? 

Well, the short answer is because God says so. Psalm 126:2-3 says, "Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing. Then they said among the nations, The Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad". Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have this whole fear thing down. I worry when I'm not supposed to. I have anxiety about our country. I miss family members that choose not to be in my life. I grieve these things.  Every. Single. Day. BUT...GOD! God says He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy (Job 8:21). 

Let me explain to you the vision I have of the woman described in Proverbs 31:25. I see a woman who has a quiet strength about her. She may not look physically strong, or come across as loud and boisterous so you can hear that she's strong, but she's clothed, or dressed, or covered in a quiet strength; a strength that's found deep within her that might be hard to read and understand because it goes far beneath the surface of who she is outwardly. She maintains control and holds her head up high because she not only knows who she is, but whose she is. I see her as being a gentle spirit, but with a spirit of boldness when necessary; not being loud and boisterous, but bold and loving and kind. I see a woman who stands tall, not in arrogance but because her faith in her Savior is so embedded within her that she can carry on through this life and laugh without fear of what's to come. She knows God's plan is best for her, so she quietly puts on her armor and walks toward her future without fear.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I AM GOD". Now this doesn't mean to pull the cover over your head and give up in order to be still. It means carry on with life, but be still in your spirit because God is in control. Know it. Believe it. Feel it. Accept it. He is God and He's got this. Cast all your worries and cares on Him and laugh! Don't let the enemy hold you back or keep you from being who you are supposed to be. 

So I am trying to make a conscious effort every day to choose joy..to choose laughter...to choose peace...to be kind and gentle and patient and loving and faithful and have self-control. I want the Holy Spirit to dwell in me so deeply and so strongly that I have no choice but to be full of laughter. So, no matter what's going on around you, how dark it seems, how ugly or inadequate you feel, remember you are an heir to the kingdom of God...so straighten up that crown, put some laughter in your heart and on your lips and walk on! Walk toward the destiny that God has planned for your life and laugh!!

Enough

Hello to everyone! It's been a long time since I've talked to you. I'd like to explain this road I've been on lately. It's been rough and what I thought was a sinking, desperate hole that seemed impossible to climb out of, I've begun to see that it's not really been that way at all.
During the last three years, what started out being a cancer diagnosis became one thing after another. One thing caused another thing, which caused another twist in the journey, and before I knew it I was sitting in a place where I did not recognize where I was, much less who I was.  I've been in a place where it seemed God was far away, where I called out and asked "where are you?". I know God never moves, so I knew He was still there; so that only made it worse for me at that time because that could only mean one thing - I was the one that had moved...and I didn't want to move. I didn't want to feel so alone. I didn't want to feel like I didn't fit in. I didn't want to wonder who I was. But I felt all of those things. I got to the point where I would look in the mirror and think "who am I?". I couldn't come to grips with my life and what I was supposed to do now. I had stopped writing, stopped seeing my friends, stopped searching and looking for God in all the ways I had seen Him before.  Basically, I crashed.  I ran out of steam and the last three years came tumbling in on me. You see, I've spent the last three years going through surgeries, going through treatments, going through medicine changes, and just when I thought I was finished with one thing there came another.  All this time of just trying to get through, I lost myself, lost my smile, lost my way.  I would look in the mirror and only see negative things...weight gain, no smile, no laughter, distractions of all kinds. But the enemy has a way of getting to us when we're down.  He comes in ever so slightly, whispering untruths in our ears. I was down and was believing those whispers I heard. I didn't like myself, didn't like what I saw, but what happened next is God in His truest, most loving, gentle way. It's what makes me wonder how people get through without the Lord - cause when you're down in a place that you feel you can't get out of, He is our lifeline!  God is our refuge and our strength and for me, His voice rang louder than any other.
I never stopped talking to God, but I must say I was weak and weary.  Most of my alone time was spent in quiet, searching for what I needed to do and worrying about feeling so alone in a life where I am surrounded by the best family, loving me and supporting me and trying to figure out how to help me.  Then one day I just flat out started saying, "Lord Jesus, I miss you!  I miss seeing You in everything I do.  I miss hearing Your Voice and seeing Your Hand in my everyday life!  I miss being used by You.  I want it back, that "up on the mountaintop feeling". He began to show me.  He began to answer me and open my eyes.
One day I was reading and came across a quote by a woman named Lysa TerKeurst that said, "There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to look past being set aside to see God's call for her to be set apart." That's when God began to move on my heart.  I began to really think about what that means.  The Bible tells me I am wonderfully made. In this world we live in today, I'm not going to fit into it.  I don't adhere or condone many of the world's views of what's right and what's wrong.  Being set aside means to separate, to discard or to reject, or to declare invalid (The Free Dictionary).  God showed me that's not who I am to Him.  I am not rejected or invalid to Him.  He does not ever set me aside and disregard me.  I am set apart because I am a child of The King, an Heir to the Kingdom, a Princess, a wonderfully, beautifully made child of Almighty God!  I have been set apart from the world to do the work of Christ, to show the world what He means to me, what He's done for me.  I am set apart because God says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart...".  I began to feel comfortable in who I had become.  Yes, I look a little different, well, to me a lot different but I'm working on it.  My journey with cancer has been hard and trying and tiring and rough; but it's also been very blessed and amazing.  I have gained weight, which I have struggled with greatly.  I now have scars that I didn't have before.  But I also look different to myself because I am different.  I'm set apart to do something, not for myself, but for God. When I figured this out, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and said, "who are you now"? You know what I heard God say in that moment?  He said, "You are enough". That's what I heard in my spirit.  He said you're enough for me, I made you, I created you, and in my eyes you are perfect because you are enough. Wow!  I'd been missing it.  I was so busy concentrating on what I was supposed to be seeing and doing and all along He was giving me grace and rest and time to heal all my wounds, inside and out.  I thought I had grown distant and quiet, but He tells us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I had done just that.  I was weary and it wasn't time for me to get moving and doing, it was time for me to rest.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9
Since the time I was 7 years old, I have been worshipping the Lord through music.  The Lord speaks to me so much through music.  I was listening today to some songs and one that really stood out to me was by the McKameys called "The Shepherd's Point of View". In the song it talks about standing on the mountaintop and seeing the valley you've just walked through, only seeing it from the Shepherd's point of view.  This spoke to me so vividly. My favorite part of the song is where it says: "He reminds you of that moment, when you could not make it through; Now you see one set of footprints where He reached down and carried you; As your tears fall on His shoulder, and you thank Him for His love; He says "Child, I knew that one day, you'd see this valley from above". I wept...tears flowing, shoulders shaking, cannot speak kind of weeping.  I realized in that moment that all the tears I've cried, not just over the last three years, but the ones over the last 6 months have been the hardest.  What I didn't realize until today is that those tears have been falling on His shoulder because He's had me right in His arms this whole time.
Oh, how I thank Him.  Oh, how I love Him.  The little things He's allowed me to see, the things He's allowed me to feel during this time have been little whispers from Him to let me know to just let it go - let it out and free myself of it all...the worry, the fear, the unsettledness, the pain, the hurt, the not being able to put into words what I'm feeling until now, the grief over those who haven't understood me or where I am...I let it all fall through my tears and where did it land?  On Him.  On His shoulders for Him to carry for me.  He carries our burdens and He held me while I gave it to Him.  I didn't even know I was giving it up. No, He never left me.  He never gave up.  Instead, He loved me through it, gave me grace, loved me with a love that's indescribable, and is now putting me back down on my feet. I'll admit that my legs are a little shaky, and when I look at myself in the mirror it's hard not to see the weight and the scars. I stopped long ago taking pictures of myself, but He says that's enough.  So you might start seeing pictures of my family with me actually in them, because God used my sister this week to let me know that what my family and loved ones see when they look at me is this: a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and friend...a healthy, happy, cancer-free Jesus girl with a story to keep on telling. You have one, too.  Don't give up if you're in a valley, you'll be back up soon and the view will be amazing.  It may take longer than you'd like, but it will be worth the wait. Always know there's hope in Jesus, no matter your circumstance. Remind yourself you are loved and adored.  Jesus came to this earth to die for you and for me.  He made you and you are beautiful.  I will continue to remind myself that I am beautiful to Him. My body has been through a lot and one day I'll get it back on track, but for now, I'm enough.

I love you all,
Kacey

Learning to Trust Day by Day

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. (Psalm 25:1-2 NKJV)


There seems to be a lot going on and a lot to tell.  First things first.  My doctors felt that my seizure medication needed to be changed for numerous reasons.  They felt it interacted with my cancer medication causing me to take a double dose.  They also felt it would interfere with my bones later on down the road.  So, it seemed the best thing to do would be to change seizure medications.  It's not as easy as it sounds because this is something that has to be done very slowly to keep a seizure from happening.  But we changed it and all went well - or so we thought.  I was able to cut the cancer medication in half, which was good, and no seizures happened.  But I started having extreme back  pain to the point of not being able to walk very well, or bend, and there is constant pain and it was becoming very worrisome.  For someone who's had cancer, I try not to let "tumor" be my first line of thought when something comes along, but it is oftentimes hard not to when it's something "unexplainable".  I had an MRI done this last week and it showed that everything was normal, which is a huge praise, and there was no sign of any cancer or tumor.  That is the good news.  The bad news is that the new seizure medication is causing the back pain.  From what we've been able to understand, it's a rare side effect that's causing this pain, and I'm going to have to come off of this drug.  What is it with me and rare side effects?  The Lord obviously has other plans!  So the doctor recommended another drug and I'm going to try and describe to you what it felt like to me to think about taking it.  The doctor told me about it, listed the side effects (which were numerous and scary) and then Alan and I researched it ourselves.  The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (NKJV)  In verse 5 it says, "But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." (NKJV)  I interject these verses here to explain that the Holy Spirit was literally screaming at me telling me that this next new drug was not for me.  Everything we read, everything we found, everywhere we turned, I could not find the peace that I was searching for and we always need to go where the peace is because that's where we're always going to find where God is.  So I prayed.  My family prayed.  Alan and I reached the conclusion that we believed God just wanted me back on the old medication because it works, the things the doctors were worried about had not happened yet and well, quite frankly, I serve a very big God and those things may never come to pass, and there was my peace.  So against what I knew the doctor would think, I called the next day and told him these reasons.  I am now transitioning back to the old seizure medication, and I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I do this; that there will be no seizures and that the back pain will go away.


The next big thing that happened this week is that it was time for my six month mammogram check up.  I just went in November and everything looked great, so to be perfectly honest, I did not put a lot of thought into this visit.  My mother went with me and we visited and chatted with the ladies in the office, and even when Amy came and said she needed more pictures I still didn't think much of it.  She then came in and said I needed to have an ultrasound done.  Now, at this point I'm still not too worried because there is a spot on my right breast that they've been watching since I had breast cancer in my left breast 2 1/2 years ago, and they sometimes do an ultrasound to make sure there's no change.  The girl did the ultrasound and said, "the radiologist will be in to talk to you in just a minute."  My mother was in there with me and she had breast cancer 14 years ago and I know at that moment she knew exactly how I felt.  If you've ever been there you know.  My heart dropped.  Time stood still.  Why did the radiologist need to come in there?  Why did she need to talk to me?  That was never good news.  It is in those precious few moments when the tech leaves the room before the radiologist actually enters that feels as if the entire earth is going to open and swallow you up whole - and for just a moment you kind of wish it might.  You can hear your own heartbeat in your ears, the thumping so loud you wonder if you're having some sort of a heart attack on top of everything else.  The room is spinning and your mind is totally and completely out of control, going in hundreds of different directions at one time.  The only thing I could think to myself is Lord, not again, please, not again.  The radiologist finally made her way into the room and said everything looked fine to her, but she wanted to do an ultrasound on her own.  During the course of the next hour, (yes, hour) she did an ultrasound and proceeded to tell me all about lobular cancer, which is the kind I had, and honestly a bunch of stuff I really didn't want or need to hear.  She finally got to a bottom line of saying she may want me to have this spot biopsied.  I see my doctor on Tuesday and will wait and see what she says about this.  Please pray with me as I listen for direction.  This spot has been being watched very closely all along and the MRI in November showed no change.  My doctors are watching me closely and I am praying for them as well.  I will do whatever the Lord wants me to do, but I want to make sure that it is HIM that wants me to do it. 


I am not worried - I was.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared and felt like the load was too heavy, but then I realized, yet again, that I had taken my eyes off of my Jesus, the Savior, the One who healed me before, who walks with me through each valley and then stands with me on the mountaintop and shows me where we've been.  So I've adjusted my lenses once again and put the cross in view.  I have such a passion and love for the Holy Spirit.  I believe that if we are born again believers we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit and are filled with such an incredible anointing to be able to lead a life full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control that we cannot lead on our own.  It is the Holy Spirit that wraps me in love and holds my hand as I face another trial; speaks peace to me in my time of worry; gives joy in time of trouble; has patience when it seems I can't go on; shows kindness when I've reached the end of my road; sees goodness when the news I hear might not be what I want to hear; has faithfulness when I need to believe anyway; gives gentleness when the storms rage within; and reel in a little self-control when the screams want to come.  The Lord blesses us with His Spirit in such a way that we need only to call upon His name and He is there.  What a blessing we have in Him.  Thank you, Jesus, is never enough to say, but all He ever wants - our praise. 


So pray for me and my family as I go to the doctor next week and see what lies ahead.  Pray for direction and wisdom and what needs to be done next, about the medication as well as a possible biopsy.  I have peace about it and my family is so grateful that we have your prayers.  Thank you.


My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2 (NKJV)


I love you all,
Kacey

What was Easter like for Jesus?

My heart has been filled today.  I've been overflowing with love for my Jesus.  I've been humbled; and to say that I'm grateful doesn't even begin to grasp what my heart is trying to say when I think about what this week must have been like for Jesus the week He was crucified.  What was He thinking?  What was He feeling?  Was He scared?  Was He lonely?  I spend so much time thinking about His birth and His resurrection, and yes, I think about His death, but I think about it in terms of what He did for me...not what it meant for Him.  Today I've spent the day thinking about what it must have been like for Him. 


Jesus says in Matthew 26:38-39, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death...Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will."  (NIV)  Oh, my, how my heart breaks when I read this passage because I can hear the grief and sorrow and pain in the voice of Jesus.  His soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!  He fell on His face.  When I think about the times that I have gone to God and fallen on my face it's because of my circumstance or my sin.  But Jesus went to the Garden of Gethsemane and fell on His face because He was about to suffer upon a cross that was meant for me and my sin, not His own.  He did nothing to deserve to die this way.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen on my face before God and asked and begged Him to take something from me or to change my circumstance.  But, when I read this and thought about what this was like for Jesus, what He was about to suffer, what He was about to do....for me....the realm of emotions I feel are almost unexplainable.  I feel shame because I'm not worth it.  I feel loved because through this suffering, this sacrifice, this grief and anxiety, this begging and pleading to make it all go away, in the end Jesus says in verse 42 when He had gone away a second time to pray, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."  (NIV)  In other words, He said, I'll do it - I love them all, too.  So we know that Jesus was grieving, but we also know He wanted His Father's will.


What must it have been like after His arrest and trial?  What was He thinking when they beat Him?  What must have been going through His head when they mocked Him?  Have you ever had someone hurt your feelings or mock you or make fun of you?  I have and it hurts, but nothing I have ever experienced has ever compared to what had been done to Jesus.  Just listen.  The soldiers mocked Jesus.  "They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on Him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on His head.  They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of Him and mocked Him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said.  They spit on Him, and took the staff and struck Him on the head again and again.  After they had mocked Him, they took off the robe and put His own clothes on Him.  Then they led him away to crucify Him."  Matthew 27:28-31 (NIV)  I imagine His body so weak from the beatings, but His heart so weak and hurt from the insults and mockery and laughter and spit in His face!  The reality of the crucifixion has been so real in my heart.  The images vivid in my head as over and over and over again He endured this for me and for you.  I keep thinking that it should have been me they mocked and laughed at.  It should have been me they spit on.  But He took it for me instead.  He took it for you.  He did it so we wouldn't have to. 


What was Jesus thinking when they reached Golgotha?  Was He thinking it was almost over?  Was He thinking the worst is yet to come?  Was He wondering if He could endure any more?  Was He in such pain that He was just ready to get it done?  I can't imagine what was going through His mind right before they drove that first nail through His hand.  I'm sure He was waiting, filled with anguish and anxiety, already hurting, physically, and his heart breaking knowing He was about to suffer for all of us, including the very one about to drive that first nail.  Matthew 27:34, "There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it." (NIV)  I learned through a Bible study that this gall that was mixed with the wine was used to numb the pain.  But did you get what that scripture said?  It said Jesus refused to drink it!  Why?  It is my belief that He did not want anything to make this sacrifice easier.  His death bore the sins of the world and that was a very heavy load to bear. 


What did Jesus think when they hung Him between two criminals...this Savior, this Son of God who had done no wrong, yet there He was hanging between two criminals?  Luke 23:34 says, "Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  (NIV)  What did He think when they sneered at Him, yelling "He saved others, let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One." Luke 23:35 (NIV)  In Matthew 27:46 when, "Jesus cried out in a loud voice, My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?", did He feel alone?  (NIV)  The mocking never stopped.  The hurtful words continued.  The laughter never ceased.  Jesus hung on that cross amidst all of this humiliation and shame for something He never did.  He was perfect.  He was the perfect Lamb.  "It was now the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining, and the curtain of the temple was torn in two.  Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit," When he had said this, he breathed His last."  Luke 23:44-47 (NIV)   The middle of the day, noontime, and it was dark because the sun stopped shining.  The Light of the World, dying on a cross, for sins he never committed.


Jesus could have called 10,000 angels to get him off the cross.  He could have come down if He wanted.  But He didn't.  He knew what He had to do in order to save me and to save you.  But what's been so very real to me in reading this story that I've read more times than I can count, is that we were the purpose of this whole horrendous death.  We were the reason He suffered.  There was no other sacrifice good enough to save us and give us eternal life in Heaven except the Son of God!  So every time I think He doesn't understand how low I feel, or how desperate I am to change my circumstance, I'm going to rethink this time that Jesus suffered for me because I think he knows much more than I can ever imagine. 


Now don't stop reading yet because the best is yet to come.  Luke 24:6 says, "He is not here; he has risen!  Remember how He told you, while He was still with you in Galilee: The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again," (NIV)  Verse 2 says, "They found the stone rolled away from the tomb but when they entered they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus." (NIV)  He's Alive and He is Risen, Heaven's Gates are Opened Wide, He's Alive!!  He got to appear to His disciples again and then, "He lifted up His hands and blessed them.  While He was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven." Luke 24:50-51 (NIV) 


Yes, I have wondered what these last days were like for Jesus and it humbles me more than I can explain.  It's hard to think about someone loving me and you that much - enough to endure that kind of pain and humiliation and dread.  And back to what I've been asking all along, what was Jesus thinking and feeling?  I think He was feeling love toward us.  I think he was thinking that one day His promise would be fulfilled and all glory would be His; that one day all nations would bow before His throne and call Him Lord of Lords and King of Kings.  This kind of love can come only from Jesus, the One and only Son of God, who came and suffered and bore my sins and died for me and died for you in order for us to have eternal life in Heaven.  Thank you, Jesus, just isn't enough.  My cup runneth over.


Happy Easter.
I love you all,
Kacey

She Laughs

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25 (NIV)


There is nothing quite like being awestruck by the word of God.  Nothing like reading something and knowing that you are reading it because He wants you to.  I read this verse the other day and was just that...awestruck.  You see, I've been in some kind of trench lately, a valley that sits a little lower than any of the other valleys I've visited over the past little while.  When I read this verse, the first thing I thought was "I've lost my smile"; "I've lost my laughter".  It made me sad.  It woke me up. 


There are so many adjustments that have to be made when you go through cancer.  What happens in the beginning is that you must adjust to the fact that you have cancer.  Then you adjust to the kind of cancer you have and what your treatment options are.  After that, you must adjust to your new way of living - fighting every day, making sure your loved ones are okay, trying to stay positive, and on and on.  During this beginning stage when you're adjusting to all this, you are also given a lot of information about your future.  You're told what to expect one year, two years, five years from that moment and, for me, I didn't hear this information.  I stopped listening when I heard "you have cancer".  But you wade through everything, you fight, and you believe that if you can just make it to the other side you'll just go back to normal and pick up where you left off.  Let me warn you...it's not possible, or it wasn't for me.  I am so grateful and so thankful that I made it through, but I did not pick up where I left off.  There are so many reasons I am glad I didn't.  If you've walked this journey with me, you know how much God has changed my life.  He has made me stronger and more faithful and so grateful for so many things.  He has shown me things I never dreamed I would get to see and learn and experience.  I've begun to remember some of the things the doctors told me to expect.  I now remember them telling me that the medicine I would need to take for five years would cause joint pain and fatigue and weight gain.  What didn't matter then, matters now.  So that's where I've been.  I have been sitting in a valley, quite frankly right where the devil wants me, in a pit of self-image issues and weight issues.  But that is not where God wants me, so that's not where I intend to stay. 


Micah 7:8 says, "Do not gloat over me my enemy!  Though I have fallen, I will rise.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." (NIV)  I absolutely love this verse.  I like to say it over and over, because if the devil thinks he has me right where he wants me, God promises me something different.  He will raise me up when I fall.  He will be my light on those days I sit in darkness.  Many years ago, I began having seizures.  Doctors did not know why then and they still don't, but I have to take medication for this.  The medicine I've been on all these years now interacts with my cancer medicine so we are doing a change of the seizure medicine.  This is not an easy change.  Because the drug is a neurological drug, it affects my mood and my emotions, so I've been up and down lately to say the least.  (Bless my family for loving me like they do!!)  I tell you this because one of the adjustments I am trying to make that I mentioned above is the weight gain associated with all this cancer stuff I've been through.  So when I couple the seizure medicine change along with my self-image, weight stuff, I've really just been a mess.  I can say this today with a smile because at times it seems so ludicrous to ever be worried about such things.  But I am human...and a woman!  God tells me I am wonderfully and beautifully made.  However, it's not easy to ever feel beautiful during cancer.  Half the time, I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I felt like so much of me was changing.  Now, even though I've come through what I thought was the hardest part, I still find myself not wanting to look in the mirror.  I've been asking myself what happened.  I've been asking why I seemed happier in the throes of cancer than I do today.  I keep asking God these questions.  I keep asking Him why I seem to be so focused on these things the doctors told me were coming; why I can't accept where I am right now; why I don't seem happy.  He told me.  I lost my focus.  I took my eyes off of Him.  I lost my smile and my laughter because I've made it about me instead of about Him.  In the middle of cancer, I might not have wanted to look in the mirror very much, but that wasn't my focus.  My focus was to go about telling all the things the Lord was showing me and the prayers that were being answered and the ways He was growing my faith.  So for now, as Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning", (NIV) I am going to refocus my eyes.  I know He has a work for me to do.  I am where I am and it is what it is.  I am where He wants me to be and I am going to do what He wants, His way, not my way. 


I believe it's important to share with you where I am because I believe many of you have the same struggles.  I think many of you struggle with self-image issues and weight issues whether or not you've been through cancer.  I think the Lord wants me to share this struggle with you to let you know you are not alone and to let me know I'm not alone.  Any time we bring something out of the darkness into the light, it loses its power over us.  Maybe this is a start.  I am asking you to pray with me about this issue, that we can begin to see ourselves the way God sees us.  I'm going to ask Him to get me out of this cycle and bring me out of this pit, and I know He will because He said He would.  The enemy is always going to use our weakest link against us.  But we have a bigger God!  I think it is important for us to remember that God tells us in Isaiah 40: 28-31 "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV).  Isn't this the most amazing promise?  Yes, I feel like I am sitting in a valley right now that sits a little lower than any I've ever been in.  But tonight, as I look around and find myself searching for my Savior, I see Him here with me.  He's not tired or weary, though I may be.  He understands me and where I am, though I may not.  He gives me strength I do not even know I have.  I have hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength; and when He does, I am no longer afraid to look in the mirror.  You know why?  I see Him...not me.


I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come.